The door was opened on the chain by Arthur. Behind him stood Henry, the Under-Porter. Ah, it's you, sir,' Arthur said. 'If you'll just wait a mo, I'll undo the chain.'

'Why is it on a chain?' asked the Dean. 'Nobody is going to break in. Nothing much to steal.'

'It's on account of the American gentleman upstairs, though I don't consider him any sort of gentleman myself if you know what I mean.'

'I do,' said the Dean, 'I do indeed, Arthur, and I entirely agree with you. And where's the Master?'

'Mr Skullion is in with him, sir. He spends most of his time in there though what he sees listening to that horrible language I can't think, sir. But it do keep the American under control. Does everything the Master tells him.'

The Dean climbed the staircase and met the Matron on the landing. 'Very nasty business this, Matron,' he said. 'I'm sorry we're having to submit you to this dreadful ordeal. Very sorry,'

'It's no ordeal to me,' said the Matron, 'not at all. I find it a pleasant change from dealing with coughs and colds and things. This is much more interesting and I've heard so many weird stories, and I have to say that my vocabulary has been broadened.'

'Yes,' said the Dean doubtfully. He had no wish to have a Matron in Porterhouse whose language had more of the lower deck than was entirely pleasant. 'Yes, I daresay it has. And the Master is in good health?'

'I can't remember when I've seen him looking better, sir. Happier and more like his old self, if you know what I mean.'

'Splendid,' said the Dean. 'Well, I mustn't keep you from your duties, Matron.'

He opened the bedroom door and paused in astonishment. A naked man was kneeling on the floor in front of Skullion's wheelchair with his hands raised in supplication. 'You gotta help me, Master. You got to. You send me away from here I going to die. Like he's passed a death sentence on me. Jesus fuck, what I done, man, he's going to take his time with me too like the slow roast or the charcoal grill and you know about these things, Master, anyone does got to be you. Please, please you got to say you going to help old Kudzuvine. I'll do anything you ask, Master, I'll do it. You just say the word.'

Kudzuvine prostrated himself at the foot of the wheelchair.

Strange sounds were coming from its occupant. Even the Dean, used as he was to Skullion's inarticulacy immediately following his Porterhouse Blue, found the sounds incomprehensible and alarming. It was all very well the Matron saying she couldn't remember when she had seen Skullion looking better and more like his old self, but the Dean found her optimism distinctly perverse. True, he could only see his back now with the bowler hat pulled well down on his head but if the series of grunts and gurgling noises emanating from him were anything to go by, the Master had never been worse. Even just after his stroke Skullion had been faintly comprehensible, but now whatever he was trying to utter was without any decipherable meaning at all. It sounded like strangulated gobbledygook. And the man prostrating himself on the floor didn't make much sense either, though at least part of what he had been saying was perfectly true. If half the things he had heard about Hartang on the tapes were true, he would undoubtedly have Kudzuvine tortured to death.

All the same, to grovel before Skullion showed such an abject lack of moral fibre that the Dean was disgusted. 'For goodness' sake, get off the floor, man,' he said and strode into the room. Kudzuvine scrambled to his feet and hurriedly got back into bed and sat there huddled up staring at this new dark apparition that had come into his life. The Dean ignored him. He was giving his attention to Skullion and, now that he could see the Master's face, was surprised to see a smile appear and one eye wink at him. And the noises, those dreadful sounds, had stopped.

'If you don't mind, Master, I think we ought to have a little chat in private,' he said, and wheeled Skullion out of the room. Behind them Kudzuvine shook his head. Whatever he had walked into like a fucking monastery with the man in the wheelchair with the hat who made sounds at him had to be in some fucking world he'd never been in before. And it was his only hope.

Tell me, Skullion, if you can of course,' said the Dean, 'and if you haven't had another Blue, tell me why do you make those awful noises?'

'Called me Quasimodo he did. Quasimodo and some bloody hunchback. Now I don't know what Quasimodo means, must be Italian or Spanish or something. Rude anyway. So I thought I'd quasimodo him back and see how he likes it. Well, that buggered him proper, if you'll pardon the expression. He don't like my gobbledygook any more than I like his bloody quasimodo,' Skullion explained. 'Not when I go on hour after hour and half the night gobbledygooking the sod. I just sit there and watch him like a hawk and he can't stand it. Broke his spirit I have. Not that he's got much to break. He's one of them Yanks thinks they own the world. Told the Praelector one time he was a true-born American and could whip the hide off the rest of the world. Praelector didn't like it any more than I did. So I thought, "You've come to the wrong place to say a thing like that and I'll whip you into shape, my lad, even if I am in a wheelchair and can't move much." And I have, sir, I have. I've got the bugger gibbering. Another few days and they'll have him in Fallboard for the rest of his natural, certified insane which is what he is by my book.'

'Well, Skullion-Master, that is-I have to hand it to you, you have been doing a splendid job,' said the Dean. 'You had me very worried when I first came in. But I think you've probably done enough. We are going to want that vile man's evidence and it won't look good if he goes into court gibbering. Let him be for the time being, Master. You've done everything-that is needed.'

'Just so long as he don't call me Quasimodo or hunchback again, sir,' said Skullion. 'You'd better warn him. And I don't want him praying to me neither. I'm not some blooming idol. And he calls himself a Christian too. Bloody Yank.'

'Leave it to me, Master,' said the Dean and went back into the bedroom.

'I have come to warn you,' he told Kudzuvine. 'I have come to warn you that I have persuaded the Master not to pursue the course he had in mind for you. On these conditions: you will not speak to him one word and you will on no account refer to him as Quasimodo or The Hunchback of Notre Dame. And furthermore you will behave politely and in a civilized fashion. If you fail to meet these conditions, I cannot be responsible for your safety. Do you understand?'

'Yes sir, I sure do, sir. I sure as shit do.'

'And that is another thing,' said the Dean. 'You will moderate your language It is not customary in Porterhouse to use filthy expressions. Is that clear?'

'I guess so, sir,' said Kudzuvine humbly.

'Don't guess anything. Know it,' said the Dean, and stalked out of the room.