RAVENSCAR:What is wrong with that?
WATERHOUSE:Some would argue that as Natural Philosophers we are supposed to consider their physical causes and seats! This morning, Roger, I sat in this empty courtyard, in the midst of a whirlwind. The whirlwind was invisible; how did I know ’twas here? Because of the motion it conferred on innumerable scraps of paper, which orbited round me. Had I thought to bring along my instruments I could have taken observations and measured the velocities and plotted the trajectories of those scraps, and if I were as brilliant as Isaac I could have drawn all of those data together into a single unifying picture of the whirlwind. But if I were Leibniz I’d have done none of those things. Instead I’d have asked, Why is the whirlwind here?
JACKKETCH:In the name of the King, stop and identify yourself!
BAILIFF:John Bull, a bailiff.
JACKKETCH:State your business.
BAILIFF:It is the King’s business. I have here a prisoner to be bound over for execution.
JACKKETCH:What is the prisoner’s name?
BAILIFF: A History of the Late Massacres and Persecutions of the French Huguenots; to which is appended a brief relation of the bloody and atrocious crimes recently visited upon blameless Protestants dwelling in the realms of the Duke of Savoy, at the behest of King Louis XIV of France.
JACKKETCH:Has this prisoner been accused of a crime?
BAILIFF:Not only accused, but justly convicted, of spreading contumacious falsehoods, attempting to arouse civil discord, and leveling many base slanders against the good name of The Most Christian King Louis XIV, a true friend of our own King and a loyal ally of England.
JACKKETCH:Vile crimes, indeed! Has a sentence been pronounced?
BAILIFF:Indeed, as I mentioned before, it has been ordered by Lord Jeffreys that the prisoner is to be bound over to you for immediate execution.
JACKKETCH:Then I’ll welcome him as I did the late Duke of Monmouth.
JACKKETCH:Any last words, villainous Book? No? Very well, then to hell with thee!
Lights the fire.
PALLING:Mr. Waterhouse! From the fact that you are the only one who brought something to sit on, may I assume you knew that this shameful poppet-show would disgrace the ‘Change today?
WATERHOUSE:That would appear to be the unspoken message.
PALLING: Unspokenis an interesting word… what of the truths that were spoken in the late Book, concerning the persecutions of our brethren in France and Savoy? Have they now been unspoken because the pages were burnt?
WATERHOUSE:I have heard many a sermon in my life, Mr. Palling, and I know where this one is bound… you’re going to say that just as the immortal spirit departs the body to be one with God, so the contents of the late Book are now going to wherever its smoke is distributed by the four winds… say, weren’t you Massachusetts-bound?
PALLING:I am only bating until I have raised money for the passage, and would probably be finished by now if Jack Ketch had not muddied and stirred the subtle currents of the market.
APTHORP:Burning books… is that not a favorite practice of the Spanish Inquisition?
WATERHOUSE:I have never been to Spain, Sir Richard, and so the only way I know that they burn books is because of the vast number of books that have been published on the subject.
APTHORP:Hmmm, yes… I take your meaning.
WATERHOUSE:I beg of you, do not say ‘I take your meaning’ with such ponderous significance… I do not wish to be Jack Ketch’s next guest. You have asked, sir, over and over, why I am sitting here in a chair. Now you know the answer: I came to see justice done.
APTHORP:But you knew ‘twould happen-you had aught to do with it. Why did you set it in the ‘Change? At Tyburn tree, during one of the regularly scheduled Friday hangings, ‘twould’ve drawn a much more appreciative crowd-why, you could burn a whole library there and the Mobb would be stomping their feet for an encore.
WATERHOUSE:They don’t read books. The point would’ve been lost on ’em.
APTHORP:If the point is to put the fear of God into literate men, why not burn it at Cambridge and Oxford?
WATERHOUSE:Jack Ketch hates to travel. The new carriages have so little leg-room, and his great Axe does not fit into the luggage bins…
APTHORP:Could it be because College men do not have the money and power to organize a rebellion?
WATERHOUSE:Why, yes, that’s it. No point intimidating the weak. Threaten the dangerous.
APTHORP:To what end? To keep them in line? Or to put thoughts of rebellion into their minds?
WATERHOUSE:Your question, sir, amounts to asking whether I am a turncoat against the cause of my forebears-corrupted by the f?tid atmosphere of Whitehall-or a traitorous organizer of a secret rebellion.
APTHORP:Why, yes, I suppose it does.
WATERHOUSE:Then would you please ask easier questions or else go away and leave me alone? For whether I’m a back-stabber or a Phanatique, I am in either case no longer a scholar to be trifled with. If you must ply someone with such questions, ask them of yourself; if you insist on an answer, unburden your secrets to me before you ask me to trust you with mine. Assuming I have any.