FRED CORLEONE: That would be the trombone, folks.

JOHNNY FONTANE: -played it so much like the human voice that he knows how to take a singer into the studio and make him or her feel better than the proverbial million bucks.

FRED CORLEONE: What’s better than a million bucks?

JOHNNY FONTANE: A million bucks and… (Takes a long drag from his cigarette. Shrugs.)

FRED CORLEONE: Your records make millions, though. And not proverbial.

JOHNNY FONTANE: What I’ve learned, in all my years in this business we call show, is that whatever amount of success I’ve had-

FRED CORLEONE: Lots of success.

JOHNNY FONTANE: -I owe to the people. (Acknowledges applause.) Thank you. It’s true.

FRED CORLEONE: Am I right that this rock and roll has gone about as far as it can go? To me it ain’t… you know, it isn’t music. And also, if I may say so, it doesn’t have a lot of class.

JOHNNY FONTANE: That stuff all comes from a primitive side of people. It was dead artistically from the get-go, so all that’s really left is for it to get gone.

FRED CORLEONE: Good to hear. Your opinion, I mean. So let me-let’s really get into it, all right? Things the people want to know.

JOHNNY FONTANE: Let ’er rip.

FRED CORLEONE: In your experience, in all of show business and including all of the women, right? Out of them all. Rating them that way one to ten, ten being high-

JOHNNY FONTANE: (pointing to the host’s coffee cup): That ain’t the only thing that’s high.

FRED CORLEONE: -and in two categories, looks and then also talent. So one to twenty. Or else one to ten, then add the two and divide for the average. The scale’s not important.

JOHNNY FONTANE: You never told me I’d need a Ph.D. in mathematics to do this show.

FRED CORLEONE: For objectivity let’s say excepting your fiancée, Miss Annie McGowan, who can do it all, by the way-sing, dance, tell jokes, even act. Plus there’s the puppets, which I never saw but I heard good things about. Hold on, though. I need to stop right here.

JOHNNY FONTANE: I didn’t know you started.

FRED CORLEONE: So, Annie. You know what they say. About… them. Help me out, John. We got the family market to consider. People know what I’m talking about, believe me. How should I say it? Her what?

JOHNNY FONTANE (grinning): Her chest?

FRED CORLEONE: Chest! Right. It’s a very famous chest, no disrespect to you or her in any way.

JOHNNY FONTANE: None taken. What was the question?

FRED CORLEONE: Who’s the best combination of talent and looks in all of Hollywood?

JOHNNY FONTANE (performing an exaggerated double-take): Your interview style’s gonna give me whiplash.

FRED CORLEONE: Hoo boy! The razzing, giving folks the business, just like from your stage show. We need to get you back onstage here at the world-famous Castle in the Sand.

JOHNNY FONTANE: Thanks. Thank you. I haven’t been able to do shows in Vegas for a while. I do have some gigs locked up in L.A. and Chicago, if people want to come see me there.

FRED CORLEONE: Our show just goes to here in Vegas, and not even all of it, either. This channel doesn’t quite make it to my own house, can you believe that?

JOHNNY FONTANE: You got a tower or just the rabbit ears?

FRED CORLEONE: You kidding? Tower. Back to business matters, though, if you will. All kidding aside, you’re telling me you’re not singing here? Today? For us? I was told we had a little combo coming in to back you.

JOHNNY FONTANE: I’d love to, but I gotta rest the pipes. Those are big shows comin’ up. Sorry.

FRED CORLEONE: That’s disappointing. Really disappointing. You’re making me look bad.

JOHNNY FONTANE: That ship already sailed before I came on deck.

FRED CORLEONE (cracking up): Funny guy!

JOHNNY FONTANE: I try.

FRED CORLEONE (to someone offstage): Did anyone call that combo and… Right. You did? You did. Why am I the last to know these things? (Turns to Fontane.) So, all right, what? Let’s start. Any thoughts on the Dodgers and Giants moving to California?

JOHNNY FONTANE: Nothing that’ll fly with the family market. That ripped people’s hearts out.

FRED CORLEONE: I don’t know. Businesses relocate all the time. My brother’s business, which I am also a partner in, that business-hotels and entertainment, construction, cement-it moved west, too. That move led to us being here together on this show. Why is baseball different? I got sentimental feelings about New York just like you, but at the same time, why should the national pastime operate in a way that’s not un-American?

JOHNNY FONTANE: Baseball’s tied in to neighborhoods and with the faith of the common people. All the times I been to Ebbets Field… well, I can’t imagine that place empty or torn down. They tear it down, and a piece of me’ll get torn down, too.

FRED CORLEONE: You yourself relocated from New York to the West.

JOHNNY FONTANE: That’s different. People can play my records anywhere, see my pictures anywhere. Sooner or later I end up performing everywhere.

FRED CORLEONE: I bet you’ll go. To Dodgers games out in Los Angeles. These days, you’ve got more ties to L.A. than you do New York.

JOHNNY FONTANE (pausing to light another cigarette): I’ll go, sure. But they’ll never be the real Dodgers. They cut themselves off from what made them the real Dodgers.

FRED CORLEONE: Okay, look, no more about that touchy subject. We could talk about politics. I hear you already got a fella you’re backing for president next time. Little bird tells me.

JOHNNY FONTANE: How’s Deanna?

FRED CORLEONE: She’s fine. Though that ain’t the bird I’m talkin’ about.

JOHNNY FONTANE (winking at the camera): Because to answer your previous question, I think that if both looks and talent are the categories used, I can’t think of anyone who outclasses Deanna Dunn. No disrespect to you or her, but she’s a real barn burner.

FRED CORLEONE: Thank you, Johnny. That’s very kind and not to mention in my opinion also a true fact. For those of you who may have just joined us, this lucky bum here, yours truly, is happily married to the lovely and talented Deanna Dunn.

JOHNNY FONTANE: Academy Award-winning.

FRED CORLEONE: Two times, though you won one also. Were you surprised how heavy it was?

JOHNNY FONTANE: An honor like that, coming from your peers, that’s what this cat found heavy.

FRED CORLEONE: Speaking of awards, you’re backing Governor Shea from New Jersey for president? He won that big award for his book, you know the one I mean.

JOHNNY FONTANE: If he runs, I’m leaning that way, yes. I hope he does run. He’s a good man, and he’d be good for our country. Did you read his book?

FRED CORLEONE: It’s on my nightstand as we speak. I’ll read it before he comes on the show.

JOHNNY FONTANE: He’s coming on the show?

FRED CORLEONE: We’re working on it. Listen, John, let me ask you something. You ever see a picture called Ambush in Durango?

JOHNNY FONTANE: Did I see it? (Laughing) Are you for real?

FRED CORLEONE: Johnny was in that picture, folks, in case you got there after the first reel.

JOHNNY FONTANE: You were in it, too. And also your wife.

FRED CORLEONE: Blink, and you missed me. Blink twice, and folks missed you, too.

JOHNNY FONTANE: In which case they’d be in good company. Most people missed the movie altogether. They can’t all be masterpieces, y’know. Or big hits at the box office.

FRED CORLEONE: I hear you may be getting away from making motion pictures?

JOHNNY FONTANE: No, not at all.

FRED CORLEONE: But it’s not where your heart is anymore, is it? You’ve got your own production company, and yet-

JOHNNY FONTANE: There’s pictures in the works that should be hits. A gladiator movie, for one.