“I’ve let you in further than any other human being I’ve known. You know things about me that I never planned to share with anyone.” He turned his head to look at me. “Doesn’t that count for something?”

“It does.” I reached out to caress his cheek and he moved the rest of the way to face me. “It counts for so much. But see,” I dropped my hand to my side, “that’s where we’re stuck. Because you’re asking me to give up so much of who I am in order for you to keep your secrets, and that will tear me apart. I can’t do it. I can’t function. I obsess, Hudson. I’ve never kept that from you. Now, I’ve had a history of obsessing over things that weren’t valid, but this time, it’s not in my head. There are real things you’re hiding and can you not see how I’m going crazy over it? Everything you fixed about me is unraveling and I don’t know what to do.” I took a deep breath. “And I’m not even sure you care.”

“I care, Alayna.” He brushed a tear off my cheek—funny, I hadn’t even noticed I was crying. “I care more than I can stand it, and I will do anything to make this better.”

He braced his hand behind my neck and leaned his forehead against mine. It would be so easy—so easy to lean up and let him kiss away my pain and insecurity. His lips on mine could erase all darkness, could soothe any pain. Until that afternoon, I’d believed that like some people believed in their religion—Hudson could fix me, every time.

Except this time he was the problem.

And it wasn’t his touch that would fix me. It was words. Words he wasn’t willing to give. “Then tell me what I need to know,” I whispered.

He straightened and took a step away from me. “No. I won’t.”

He turned away, heading back toward the living room.

Once again, I chased after him. “Were you together? Did you fuck her? Did you fuck her that night? The night you met me?”

He paced the room. “No. No. No. And no. I’ve told you this before and if those words aren’t enough, why should I believe that any others would be any different?”

“Because those words aren’t the words I need. I don’t need denials. I need truths. What happened, Hudson? What is she to you?”

“Alayna, leave it alone.”

“I can’t!”

He stopped suddenly. After a beat, he said, “Then I need to leave.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I swallowed. “Like leave to cool down?”

He shook his head. “It means that we need to take some time apart.”

“What? No!” I’d thought my heart had hit rock bottom before. Apparently there was a whole chasm left for it to fall into—a chasm so dark that it obliterated my previous notion of darkness. And the cold and the ache of that place made every pain I’d ever felt pale in comparison. The death of my parents, my journey from crazy to sanity, even the betrayal from Hudson when he didn’t choose me over Celia—those were flesh wounds next to this.

“It’s for the best,” he said as he retrieved his jacket from across the back of the couch.

It seemed I needed to say something—anything—to make him stay. But I couldn’t figure out what that would be. All I could hear were his words repeating over in my head—time apart. Because why? Because I’d needed him to be honest?

This couldn’t be happening. “You tell me you care about me more than you can stand and now you want to break up with me?”

He glanced over at me, his eyes filled with sadness. “No, not break up, precious. Just take some time apart. Time to figure out how we want to deal with this.”

His words were compassionate and sweet, but they weren’t enough to mollify my hurt and anger. “You mean time for me to get my shit together.”

“Both of us, Alayna.”

I swiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand. “I don’t know where you get your definitions, but that sure sounds like breaking up to me.”

“If that’s what you want to call it.”

“I don’t want to call it anything. I don’t want it to happen!”

“I hope it will be temporary.” He swept past me, careful not to touch me as he did. He grabbed his briefcase from the hall then patted his pockets, apparently satisfied that he had what he needed.

Oh my god. He was really leaving. Really, really leaving. “Hudson!”

When he turned to me, I rushed to him. “Don’t go. Please don’t go.” I clutched at him.

His body remained cold and impassive, his eyes not meeting mine. “I’m doing this for you, Alayna. For both of us.” His words were warm, though he still wouldn’t look at me or touch me. “I can’t bear that I’m hurting you, and it will destroy me if I lose you. But there are some things that I can never tell you. And now we’re at an impasse, as you said. Because you say you can’t go on not knowing and I can’t go on without your trust.”

“I do trust you. I’ll learn to live with this if I have to. I’ll figure it out. I just can’t lose you!” I was desperate, making promises there was no way I could keep.

Finally, he connected his eyes with mine. “You’re not losing me. We’re simply stepping away. Maybe I can…”

He trailed off and I grasped onto whatever alternative he might be offering. “Maybe you can…what?”

But he had none to offer. “I don’t know. I need time.” Gently, he unwrapped my fingers from his clothing and pushed me away.

“But where are you going? This is your home.”

“It’s your home too. I’ll stay at the loft.”

Without looking at me, he stepped toward the elevator.

“Hudson! Don’t do this. Don’t leave.”

He reached out as if he were going to touch me then pulled his hand back. “This isn’t forever, precious. But I can’t watch you like this.”

“Like, what? Like crazy?” While I’d always feared that Hudson wouldn’t be able to take me at my worst, I’d begun to think he’d be with me always. Like he promised so many times.

I’d been wrong. Again. “Yeah, I’m crazy. This is who I really am, Hudson. You see it now. Here I am, exposed. It always scares people away, but I never thought it would scare you. Yet here you are running. No wonder you think I can’t handle your secrets. Because you probably think I’d react just like you are now. But I’m not a coward, Hudson. I can take it. I won’t run from you.”

His face fell. “I’m not running from you, Alayna. I’m saving you.”

“From what?”

“From me!” We stood in silence as his exclamation rung through the foyer. Then he hit the elevator button. “I’ll talk to you later. Tomorrow, maybe.”

“Hudson!”

“I…I can’t, Alayna.”

He stepped inside the elevator, his focus fastened to the floor as the doors closed.

Then he was gone.

After Hudson left, I cried so long and so hard that it seemed like I should have passed out from exhaustion. But I didn’t. I tried curling up in bed, but it felt too big. And no matter how many blankets I had, I felt cold. Eventually, I wandered out to the library where I had a few more shots of tequila to warm up and turned on a movie from my AFI’s Greatest Films collection. I chose Titanic. I was already heartbroken, after all—might as well wallow in it.

Sometime before the ship sunk, I passed out on the couch. I woke the next day with swollen eyes and a splitting headache. My first thought was that I needed caffeine. But there was no smell of brewing coffee in the penthouse, and that’s when I remembered that Hudson wasn’t there. Every day before he left for work, he set the Keurig to brew for me. This simple missing gesture threatened to start a new round of tears.

But maybe he’d called.

I fumbled around for my phone and found it buried in the cushions. Fuck. It was dead. I’d been too consumed with grief to charge it for the night. After setting it up at the library charging station, I made my own coffee and found some Ibuprofen in the bathroom cabinet.

I showered then, hoping the warm water would relieve the swelling of my eyes. Perhaps it did, but I didn’t feel any better. Afterward, I stood with a towel wrapped around myself and stared into the steam-clouded mirror. This was what it was like to see Hudson now—through this fog, knowing that something more lay underneath. If only it were as simple as stretching my hand out and wiping away the condensation to see the man beneath. If only he’d let me in, maybe it would be that easy. Maybe then my touch could finally bring him into focus.