Alice pulled down the nearest book; it was called Crocus and Chairless. "Celia, this book is nowhere near to my Reality and Realicey!"

"Examine the next book along," urged Celia.

The next book along was Essex Excess; the one after that was called Essential Modes of Rocking Chair Leathers; the next after that, Ersatz Marbles. Alice was by this time pulling out book after book after book, and casting them all to the ground! Lessons in Wonderment, Entries to Bliss, Issues of Mischief Paper, Perhaps the Curtains are Crimson, Son of the Son of Monster Magnet, Nettles and Binoculars (a User's Primer), Mercurial Teeth and How to Shave Them, Hemlines through the Ages, Gesticulating Ogre, Great Ways to Cook Bacon, Considering Breakfast, Asterisk and the History of Disco, Scooping for Boys, Oysters in Trousers, Ersatz Trousers, Ersatz Pinafores, Rescuing Books from Libraries (a How-to Guide), Ideals in Kippers, Erstwhile Manchester...

Book after book after book... Alice pulling a storm of leaves off the shelves...

Termite Control (Advanced), Cedar Control (Moronic), Nicotine Knitwear and Smoking Trumpet Control (Advanced Moronic), Nice and Easy Does It (Advanced Moronic and Clock-Rush), Usherettes of Tomorrow.

"The book of my life is nowhere to be seen!" cried Alice, pulling out even more books, as the piles of books on the floor grew and grew. Rowing to Bleak House, Use of Loose Moose in a Kitchen, Henry the Eighth and His Sixteen Wives...

"Keep looking, my Alice," replied Celia, calmly. "Whippoorwill surely has a plan..."

More books pulled off: Vest Sores, Rescuing Books from Libraries (Volume Seven), Venus Guitars, Ars Gratia Artis, Tissue Ellipsis, Sisterly Forever...

"Celia, I do believe we're getting closer!" cried Alice, crushing books under foot to reach Vertical Piano Playing, and then Ingots of Gold, and then Olden Times, Messages from Jupiter, Terminal Guano. "Yes! here it is!" screamed Alice, pulling out the next book along: An Octopus's Area. But when Alice pulled the next book down from the shelf, imagine her disappointment to find that it was called Ceylon's Favourite Stethoscope! "But this is all wrong!" stamped Alice. "This book should be called Reality and Realicey!"

"It should be," Celia murmured, "but it isn't. Look, Alice, there's a gap where your book should have been."

"But what does that mean, Celia?"

"It means, Alice, that somebody has borrowed your history."

"How dare they!" cried Alice. "I shall never be able to look up myself now!"

Alice was crying so much that Celia had to clamp her porcelain fingers over her twin twister's mouth. "Alice, will you keep quiet!" she whispered. "We are in a library, remember. Shush! You'll disturb the other readers..."

(The reader will have only just noticed the other readers, for the simple fact that I forgot to mention them previously. Oh dear, I am getting forgetful in my old age. Never mind, let me show you the several mixed-up this-and-that creatures that were studying their chosen books at various tables. They were all looking up at Alice with glaring eyes. Why, some of them were even pointedly pointing towards the SILENCE PLEASE sign!)

"I don't care about the other readers!" Alice sobbed. "Oh Celia! Just when we were so close to finding it, as well!"

"I know! It is a bother, isn't it?" Celia croaked, kindly. "But look, there's a funny little Fishman over at that table -- a Plaiceman, I believe -- and he's fast asleep! Now you wouldn't want to waken him, would you? That would be rude."

Alice mopped up some of her tears with her pinafore, and then sauntered over to the Fishman. Celia followed, wondering what Alice was hoping to achieve by gently tapping like that on the Fishman's shoulder? (Now then, the question of the exact position of a fish's shoulders; this is the riddle that has puzzled ichthyologists -- the examiners of fish -- down the ages, and I shan't go into it here.) Suffice it to say that Alice did tap on the Fishman's shoulders, achieving no response at all. "Celia..." Alice breathed, "I do believe this Plaiceman is dead."

"What makes you say that, Alice," asked Celia.

"Firstly, I can't waken him; secondly, his left fin is sprouting from his forehead; thirdly, his gills are where his eyes should be; and fourthly, his tail is flopping out of his mouth!"

"Alice, you have become automated to the subject of death!" said Celia.

"It's time for us both to grow up," Alice responded. "This poor Plaiceman has been Jigsaw Murdered, and that is a crime. And look! He's got a jigsaw piece clutched in his right fin. It's one of my missing ones: a fish's fin belonging in the aquarium of my London Zoo puzzle. And look! He's slumped over a book called Reality and Realicey! Oh Celia, maybe I've finally found my place in history?"

The other readers were making a racketing protest by now (despite the SILENCE PLEASE! signs) at Alice's shouts of jubilation. Alice paid them no mind at all; instead she quickly added the fishy jigsaw piece to the other seven in her pinafore pocket, and gently slid the history book from under the Fishman's glistening (and rather smelly) body. The book called Reality and Realicey was so large and thick and fish-stained that Alice had a rare time trying to get it open at the first page; but eventually she managed to reach the first sentence of the book, and this is what she read:

"Celia?" Alice called out, upon reaching the end of the passage. "Could you please explain these words to me?" But Celia was suddenly nowhere to be seen! "Celia, where have you vanished to this time? Oh, but I haven't got time to be chasing that doll just now -- and there simply isn't enough time in the whole of history to read this entire book -- so I think I'll skip through all the pages until I reach the last one; surely there I'll find my answer?" Of course Alice didn't quite skip through the pages, because they were so heavy; it was more like a trudge through sludge, but eventually she managed to reach the last lines of the book, and this is what she read there:

"Oh, poppycock!" exclaimed Alice. "This is no help at all! Why, the author has ended this giant of a book with an ellipsis! Surely there cannot be more to be said on the subject! Who wrote this rubbish?" (Alice was becoming really rather modern by this time.) She heaved the book shut in order to look at the front cover more closely.

"Reality and Realicey", it said, "by Professor Gladys Chrowdingler."

"Professor Chrowdingler wrote this!" Alice shrieked. "Why, she's one of the things I'm searching for!" Alice once again wrestled with the book, until she forced it to turn to the inside back cover. There she found a photograph of an aged pipe-sucking Crow-woman in a bowler hat, and below the picture, a brief biography of the author: