"Lafe, wouldn't it have been kinder to have liquidated them?"
"Who said I wanted to be kind to them? They won't starve; their commissary is by the Kilkenny Cats method. It should please them; they are used to human flesh and enjoy drinking blood-some I suspect of eating their young. But, Jubal, there is an easy way out... for any critic who is even half as smart as he thinks he is."
"Go on."
"He has to be able to read! He has to be able to read his own language, understand it, not distort the meaning. If he can read, he can walk out at once." Lazarus shrugged. "But so few critics ever learn to read. Here's the Big Top."
Harshaw looked far to the right, far to the left. "How big is it?"
"I've been afraid to ask," Lazarus admitted.
"That sign is bigger than most circus tops." Jubal stopped to read it:
THE FIRST CENTENNIAL CONVENTION
ofthe
INTERUNIVERSAL SOCIETY
for
ESCHATOLOGICAL PANTHEISTIC MULTIPLE-EGO SOLIPSISM
"Beautiful, Lafe! How did you think it up?"
"I didn't, it just grew. And I don't understand it."
"Never mind, mine host. There will be ten thousand here eager to explain it to you. Scatological Panhedonistic Multiplied Solecisms."
"What? Jubal, that's not what it says."
"If you don't understand it, how do you know?"
"Because I understood what you said. But the words don't fit."
"We'll rearrange them. Scatological Panhedonism Multiple Solecisms. 'Convinced to-' Like I say- 'Different than-"
"Don't talk dirty; we are about to have a drink."
Lazarus bypassed the queue; they walked through a hole that suddenly dilated in the canvas, then puckered tight behind them. They found themselves facing a long table; seated at it was a man working on a roster. He did not look up, simply saying, "Stand out of my light. Tickets first, no exceptions. Then name tags. Then see a clerk to pick your universe. The complaint desk is outside. Tickets-you're holding up the line."
"Snob."
The man looked up, jumped up. "Executive Director Long! I am honored!"
"And you're slow. You need at least two others taking tickets."
The official shook his head sadly. "If you knew how hard it is to hire help these days. Not for you, of course; for us common people. Director General Hilda has the labor market so cornered that- Executive Director, can't we make a deal?"
"Pipe down, give us our tags. How does this Universe I.D. thing work?" Lazarus turned to his guest. "It's an ID. for your home world, Jubal; we don't put numbers on people. Snob, take a hard look at Doctor Jubal Harshaw. Whenever you see him, it's the Red Carpet. Pronto!"
"Yes, sir! Here are your tags and now your universes."
"Jubal, you don't have to wear that but don't throw it away; someone might misuse it. But it does save introductions and sticks to anything from skin to chain mail."
"Now gentlemen observe above me the brightly lighted true color representation of the visible spectrum from infradig to ultraviolent with each slight shading being a precise wave length further assisted by simulated Fraunhofer lines representing principal inhabited planets of the explored universes while this booklet you hold in your hand is a key to identifying your wave length for example if you are French in origin you would turn alphabetically to France where the principal key dates are the conquest of Gaul 58-50 BC the conversion of Clovis 496 AD Battle of Tours 732 but as you are not French we will consider turning points in North American History 1000 1492 1535 1607 1619 1620 1664 1754 1765 1783 1789 1803 1820 1846 1882 1912 1946 1965 any of these dates and many others can switch you into a different analog-Earth a most useful method is comparison of Presidents if you happen to come from a history that includes the so-called American Revolution Director Long will you illustrate it by naming American Presidents of your first century?"
"Woodrow Wilson-I was named for him-Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy-"
"Which brings us to 1984, right? And tells me that you experienced the
Nehemiah Scudder Interregnum and possibly the Second so-called American Revolution. Dr. Harshaw, did your world experience the Interregnum?"
"It experienced something worse, a world government."
"To me all worlds are equally bad. But it tells me where your two worlds split: 1962-and here are your colors by which you can identify others of your own world if such be your wish. A delegate came through earlier in which the split was in 1535 and San Francisco was named New Petersburg. Nov'Petrograd I should say but-"
"Snob. The Red Carpet."
"Right away! Doctor Harshaw-my card. Anything, anytime."
The Red Carpet rolled up, then carried them at a steady 10 km!hr down the enormous tent. Jubal looked at the card:
SIEGE SINISTER SERVICES SYNDICATE
'The Villains Nine Rig Ruin"
Reputations Ruined-Competitors Bankrupted-Dragons Wormed- Basements Flooded-Wells Dried Up-Georges Exterminated-Contracts Executed Promptly, bargain rates on mothers-in-law-Juries Subborned-Stocks, Bonds, & Gallows-Saturday Night Specials-Houses Haunted (skilled Poltergeist at small extra charge)-Midnight Catering to Ghouls, Vampires, & Werewolves-Incubi & Succubi for rent by the night or by the week-7-year itch powder
P.S. We Also Poison Dogs
"Lafe, these people you hired?"
"Let me see that." Lazarus was reading the list of services when Snob came running, jumped on the Red Carpet, reached over Lazarus' shoulder for the card while saying breathlessly:
"Wrong card! Here-have this one. That first card is a piece of sabotage by the firm we bought out, including good will-but it turned out there was no good will. We sued, they retaliated-among other ways by mixing their old business cards with our own new supply....hereby infecting them all. Law of Contiguity, you know. Now if I can just have that infected one, I'll burn it-"
Lazarus held it out of his reach while accepting the proffered replacement. "I'll keep the old one-interesting souvenir."
"Director Long-please!"
"Off the Carpet, Bub. Back to your job. Git!" This injunction was accompanied by crowding that caused Snob to step one foot off the Carpet... which resulted in an impromptu pas a seul that left him fifty meters behind before he recovered his balance. Meanwhile Jubal and Lazarus read the replacement:
ANYTHING UNLIMITED
Tome, Hernia, Lien, & Snob
Six Sixty-Six Smiling Slaves Supply Supreme Service
Reputations Restored-Teeth & Wells Drilled-Water Filters-Love Philtres-Chastity GOdel Lox Pict-Virginity Renewed-Scithers Sharpened-Old Saws Filed Categorically-Silver Bullets-Fresh Garlic- Fresh Strawberries-Strawberry Marks for Missing Heirs
P.S. We Also Walk Dogs
"Lafe, I don't find this card much more reassuring than the first one."
"Don't worry about it. There is less here than meets the eye."
"Where have I seen that face before? This Snob-who is he?"
"Jubal, no one seems to know what ship he came down in. I'm looking into it for Zeb-you've met Zebadiah?"
"Briefly."
"Zeb thinks he's seen him somewhere not under that phony name-and Zeb and I aren't even from the same time axis, much less the same analog series. Never mind; here's our hostess." Lazarus stepped off the Carpet, approached from behind a little old woman seated at a bar-lounge table, leaned over her, kissed her. "Hazel, age cannot wither you or custom stale. You are lovelier every decade."