"Uh... be switched if I'm not feeling embarrassed, an emotion I haven't felt in more years than I'll admit. You can pick any apparent age, you say? Could I be, uh, late middle age? My hair its right color but streaked with gray? A sag under my chin instead of this wattle? Teats a man might grab and enjoy it? That 'old, established firm'-but not decrepit?"

"Certainly," said Lazarus.

"Hazel, I can take you to the clinic now," Maureen offered. "Always someone in the business office. Discuss types of contract. Decide what you want and when. Even get your prelim physical today and set date of admission."

"Uh....es, I'm interested. But not till later today; I've got friends entered in the preliminary rounds of the Society for Creative Anachronism."

"Besides," Jubal put in, "they need time to check your credit rating, see what they can stick you for. By now Lafe has given Athene some signal to start x-raying your purse."

"He has not," Hilda denied. "I did. Hazel, we don't solicit business; we let the client sell it to herself. Maureen picks up one percent on this deal. Not Lazarus."

"Can't see that it matters," Jacob added. "Hey! Waiter! Over here, please! We Longs pool the boodle and Deety tells us what we have, what we can spend-but not who fetched it in."

"Jacob, it's the principle. Making money is a game. Maureen landed her."

"Hazel landed herself, Hilda," Hazel Stone put in. "I don't enjoy getting up feeling wobbly. Jubal, are you game for this?"

"My mind's made up."

"Then take a double room with me and we can tell each other lies while they make us feel young again. Hilda, is that kosher?"

"Lots of double rooms. Ish knows that you are both special friends of Lazarus and, while she doesn't spoil Lazarus, she'll do him any reasonable favor," Hilda assured her. "I think it's the same all around, Waiter-charge it to my account."

'My check," said Jubal.

"Waiter," Hilda said firmly.

The waiter looked at her, flexed his jaw muscles, said, "Very well, Director!"-and vanished.

"I think I missed something," Jubal remarked.

"I think I didn't," said Hazel. "Yon Cashier hath a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous."

Jubal looked around. "That cashier is our waiter. I think."

"I know. And bartender. And ticket taker. Unless his mother had quadruplets, he has Niven dislocators built into his shoes. I wish I could remember where I have seen him. He is not pleased with Hilda. Or Lazarus."

"Eh? Why?"

"Wait and see. There will not be another tab brought to this table-want to bet?"

"No bet," Lazarus interrupted. "The upstart knows who I am, who Hilda is. People at this table are guests of the management. He had better remember it or I'll sick Deety on him. Or even Hilda. But they hardly ever live through that. Hey, there's Deety now!" Lazarus stood up and waved. "Deety! Over here!"

Deety had with her a gaggle of giggles. "I don't have time to do this right; we want to get over to the Field of the Cloth of Gold before the preliminaries- besides, we've got husbands over there, most of us. So this is Ginnie and Winnie and Minnie, and Ginnie's a witch and Winnie's a nurse and Minnie's a retired computer, twin sister to Teena, and this is Holly and Poddy and Libby and Pink, and Holly is a design engineer, ship's architect type, and Poddy is a therapy empathist, and Libby you all know, and Fuzzy is a computer artist like me and the first one to calculate the Number of the Beast to the last significant figure, and now we'd better go even though we have reserved V.I.P. seats because there is a masked knight in the first match and we're pretty sure who he is, and has anyone seen Zebadiah?"

"I'm certain who he is," said Ginnie. "He brought me to life, and besides, he's wearing Karen's colors."

"I see Zeb off in the distance," Lazarus answered.

"No," Jake denied, "here he comes now, from over this way. Ishtar with him. All dressed up."

"No," said Jubal. "That's Anne with him."

"Somebody is screw loose. Lazarus is right. I know my first husband even at this distance. He's just approaching those three reserved sections opposite the big screen over the bar. Zebadiah! Over here!"

The other computer artist added, "And that can't be Anne, so it must be Ishtar. Anne is at the field, I know, because Larry is helping Jerry run it and told me, Anne agreed to cloak and be the third judge when Jerry told her that Mr. Clemens had agreed. Bonforte sits as king although he says he doesn't know much about the kinging business and even less about jousting."

"Is it true that they are using real weapons today?" asked Jubal.

"And real horses," agreed Lazarus. "I was able to borrow the AnheuserBusch Clydesdales."

"Lazarus, is this wise?"

"Doctor Bone is taking care of the horses. If one is injured, we'll give him the works. Those beautiful horses will be returned to Old Home Terra at their proper year and second in better shape than they were. With added skill. It's takes time to turn a Clydesdale into a knight's charger even though that's what they are. But will they ever be happy in harness again?"

"Lazarus," Podkayne said seriously, "I'll speak to Dr. Bone. If a horse is unhappy, we will soothe."

"Poddy, you're a Smart Girl."

"About average here, I think. But if someone is unhappy, I have learned what to do. I have never seen a horse but they've lived with people so long that it can't be very different."

Jubal sighed. "I'm glad the horses will be well taken care of-but, Lazarus,

I meant humans. Isn't someone going to be hurt? Maybe killed?"

"Most of them hurt, several killed. But they do it for fun. Those who are hurt won't stay hurt; we are hardly more than a loud shout from this planet's best hospital. If a man loses an arm or a leg or an eye, or even his balls, he'll have to be patient while a new part is cloned. But that sort of cloning we are learning to do right at the spot of injury, like a lizar~d or a newt. Faster. More efficient.

"If he's killed, he has two choices: Be brought to life again by Ishtar's crew- brain unlikely to be hurt; their helms are the best part of their armor. Or, they can go straight to Valhalla; we've arranged for Bifrost to extend to this Field until the end of SCA's part in the convention. Six Valkyries standing by and 'Sarge' Smith at the top of Bifrost checking them against the roster as he musters them home." Lazarus grinned. "Believe me, the Society is paying high for these services, bond posted in advance; Deety wrote the contract."

"Lafe, you're telling me that Wagnerian Valkyries are waiting to carry the slain Over The Rainbow into Asgard?"

"Jubal, these Amazons are not opera singers; these are the real hairy, sweaty McCoy. Remember the purpose of this convention. Snob."

The waiter appeared. "You wish something, sir?"

"Yes. Tell your boss that I want this table-this table only-to have a full view of Bifrost, from the Field to Valhalla. I know it's not in the clothing illusion contract but the same gear will do it....nd we can settle it when we go to court later. It will offset some of his lousy service. Git!"

"We'd better all 'git," said Libby. "They won't hold up things for us. That armor is heavy and hot. Deety?"

"Run along, I'll catch up. Here comes my first husband."

"Lafe, if they are killed, how do you know which ones to send to the clinic, which ones to send up the bridge?"

"Jubal, how would you do it? Sealed envelopes, destroyed if a knight wins, opened if he loses... and there may be some surprised widows tonight, unable to believe that their loving husbands elect to hunt all day, then feast on barbecued boar, guzzle mead, and wench all night, in preference to being restored to life in their respectable homes. But did I tell you what a winner gets? Aside from applause and a chance to kneel to 'King' John and 'Queen' Penelope. A paradox's his reward."