"Captain-I'm on the starboard side. Behind Pop."

"Huh? How did you gals get swapped around?"

"Well... you hurried us, sir-any old seat in a storm."

"Two demerits for wrong seat-and no syrup on the hot cakes we're going to have for breakfast as soon as we're grounded."

"Uh, I don't believe hot cakes are possible."

"I can dream, can't I? Chief Science Officer, watch my side."

"Yes, Cap'n."

"While Deety backs up Jake. Any cow pasture."

"Hey! I feel air! She bites!"

I held my breath while Zeb slowly brought the ship out of dive, easing her east. "Gay Deceiver."

"How now, Brown Cow?"

"Cancel display programs. Execute."

"Inshallâh, ya sayyid."

The displays faded. Zeb held her just short of stalling. We were still high, about six klicks, still hypersonic.

Zeb slowly started spreading her wings as air speed and altitude dropped. After we dropped below speed of sound, he opened her wings full for maximum lift. "Did anyone remember to bring a canary?"

"A canary!" said Deety. "What for, Boss Man?"

"My gentle way of reminding everyone that we have no way to test atmosphere. Copilot."

"Captain," I acknowledged.

"Uncover deadman switch. Hold it closed while you remove clamp. Hold it high where we all can see it. Once you report switch ready to operate, I'm going to crack the air scoops. If you pass out, your hand will relax and the switch will get us home. I hope. But-All hands!-if anyone feels dizzy or woozy or faint... or sees any of us start to slump, don't wait! Give the order orally. Deety, spell the order I mean. Don't say it-spell it."

"G, A, Y, D, E, C, I, E, V, E, R, T, A, K, E, U, S, H, 0, M, E."

"You misspelled it."

"I did not!"

"You did so; "i" before "e" except after "c." You reversed 'em."

"Well... maybe I did. That diphthong has always given me trouble. Floccinaucinihilipilificator!"

"So you understood it? From now on, on Barsoom, 'i' comes before 'e' at all times. By order of John Carter, Warlord. I have spoken. Copilot?"

"Deadman switch ready, Captain," I answered.

"You gals hold your breaths or breathe, as you wish. Pilot and copilot will breathe. I am about to open air scoops."

I tried to breathe normally and wondered if my hand would relax if I passed out.

The cabin got suddenly chilly, then the heaters picked up. I felt normal. Cabin pressure slightly higher, I thought, under ram effect.

"Everybody feel right? Does everybody look right? Copilot?"

"I feel fine. You look okay. So does Hilda. I can't see Deety."

"Science Officer?"

"Deety looks normal. I feel fine."

"Deety. Speak up."

"Golly, I had forgotten what fresh air smells like!"

"Copilot, carefully-most carefully!-put the clamp back on the switch, then rack and cover it. Report completion."

A few seconds later I reported, "Deadman switch secured, Captain."

"Good. I see a golf course; we'll ground." Zeb switched to powered flight; Gay responded, felt alive. We spiraled, hovered briefly, grounded with a gentle bump. "Grounded on Barsoom. Log it, Astrogator. Time and date."

"Huh?"

"On the instrument board."

"But that says oh-eight-oh-three and it's just after dawn here."

"Log it Greenwich. With it, log estimated local time and Barsoom day one." Zeb yawned. "I wish they wouldn't hold mornings so early."

"Too sleepy for hot cakes?" my wife inquired.

"Never that sleepy."

"Aunt Hilda!"

"Deety, I stowed Aunt Jemima mix. And powdered milk. And butter. Zebbie, no syrup-sorry. But there is grape jelly in a tube. And freeze-dried coffee. If one of you will undog this bulkhead door, we'll have breakfast in a few minutes."

"Chief Science Officer, you have a duty to perform."

"I do? But- Yes, Captain?"

"Put your dainty toe to the ground. It's your planet, your privilege. Starboard side of the car, under the wing, is the ladies' powder room-portside is the men's jakes. Ladies may have armed escort on request."

I was glad Zeb remembered that. The car had a "honey bucket" under the cushion of the port rear seat, and, with it, plastic liners. I did not ever want to have to use it.

Gay Deceiver was wonderful but, as a spaceship, she left much to be desired. However, she had brought us safely to Barsoom.

Barsoom! Visions of thoats and beautiful princesses-

The world wobbled-

Deety:

We spent our first hour on "Barsoom" getting oriented. Aunt Hilda stepped outside, then stayed out. "Isn't cold," she told us. "Going to be hot later."

"Watch where you step!" my husband warned her. "Might be snakes or anything." He hurried after her-and went head over heels.

Zebadiah was not hurt; the ground was padded, a greenish-yellow mat somewhat like "ice plant" but looking more like clover. He got up carefully, then swayed as if walking on a rubber mattress. "I don't understand it," he complained. "This gravity ought to be twice that of Luna. But I feel lighter."

Aunt Hillbilly sat down on the turf. "On the Moon you were carrying pressure suit and tanks and equipment." She unfastened her shoes. "Here you aren't."

"Yeah, so I was," agreed my husband. "What are you doing?"

"Taking off my shoes. When were you on the Moon? Cap'n Zebbie, you're a fraud."

"Don't take off your shoes! You don't know what's in this grass."

The Hillbilly stopped, one shoe off. "If they bite me, I bite 'em back. Captain, in Gay Deceiver you are absolute boss. But doesn't your crew have any free will? I'll play it either way: free citizen... or your thrall who dassn't even take off a shoe without permission. Just tell me."

"If you try to make all decisions, all the time, you're going to get as hysterical as a hen raising ducklings. Even Deety can be notional. But I won't even pee without permission. Shall I put this back on? Or take the other off?"

"Aunt Hilda, quit teasing my husband!" (I was annoyed!)

"Dejah Thoris, I am not teasing your husband; I am asking our captain for instructions."

Zebadiah sighed. "Sometimes I wish I'd stayed in Australia."

I said, "Is it all right for Pop and me to come out?"

"Oh. Certainly. Watch your step; it's tricky."

I jumped down, then jumped high and wide, with entrechats as I floated- landed sur les pointes. "Oh, boy! What a wonderful place for ballet!" I added, "Shouldn't do that on a full bladder. Aunt Hilda, let's see if that powder room is unoccupied."

"I was about to, dear, but I must get a ruling from our captain."

"You're teasing him."

"No, Deety; Hilda is right; doctrine has to be clear. Jake? How about taking charge on the ground?"

"No, Captain. Druther be a Balkan general, given my druthers."

Aunt Hilda stood up, shoe in hand, reached high with her other hand, patted my husband's cheek. "Zebbie, you are a dear. You worry about us all-me especially, because you think I'm a featherhead. Remember how we did at Snug Harbor? Each one did what she could do best and there was no friction. If that worked there, it ought to work here."

"Well... all right. But will you gals please be careful?"

"We'll be careful. How's your E.S.P.? Any feeling?"

Zebadiah wrinkled his forehead. "No. But I don't get advance warning. Just barely enough."

"Just barely' is enough. Before we had to leave, you were about to program Gay to listen at high gain. Would that change 'just barely' to 'ample'?"

"Yes! Sharpie, I'll put you in charge, on the ground."

"In your hat, Buster. Ole Massa done freed us slaves. Zebbie, the quicker you quit dodging, the sooner you get those hot cakes. Spread my cape down and put the hot plate on the step."