“Bonan tagon-kaj bonvenu al Paradizo.”

“And a good day to you as well,” I said. “My name is Jim.”

“A masculine surname, most agreeable. I am called Hingst and it is my pleasure to greet you – ”

The creature’s words were drowned out by a throbbing roar and a cloud of black smoke emerged from its rear. We stepped back, weapons ready. Hingst’s flexible arms lifted straight up.

“I wish you only peace, oh strangers. You would not know it, since you are untutored in science, but the sound and fumes are merely the exhaust of my alcohol engine. Which is rapidly turning a generator which in turn…”

“Charges up your batteries. We know a thing or two as well, Hingst, greeter of strangers to Paradise, and we are not your usual goaty nomads.”

“Now that is a pleasure to hear, visiting gentlemen. Before my operating system was bolted into this rather crude construction I was a class A42 headwaiterbot and worked at only the most excellent restaurants… ”

“Another time,” I said. “I would enjoy your reminiscences. We have a few questions – ”

“And I am sure I have a few answers,” it said with surly overtones. “But there are preliminaries to go through.” It had strolled a few paces forward as it talked and now, like a striking snake, one of its tentacles lashed at me. I jumped back, lifted my sword-but not before the cool metal tip had touched my lips and just as swiftly been withdrawn.

“Try that again and you’ll be a tentacle short,” I growled.

“Temper, temper. After all you are armed strangers and I am simply doing my duty. Which is to sample your saliva. And test it, which I have done. You may proceed, Gentleman Jim, because you indeed are of the male sex. I would appreciate samples from your associates.”

“As long as it is just spit you are after,” Floyd growled, hands joined and cupped over his nether regions.

“Oh, I do appreciate a sense of humor, stranger.” The tentacle took its sample from his mouth. “Gentleman stranger I can now say. Final traveler if you please. Lovely, thank you. You may now proceed.”

It turned away and I jumped in front of it.

“A moment first, Hingst the Official Greeter. A few questions… ”

“Sorry. I am not programmed for that. Kindly step aside, Gentleman Jim.”

“Only after I get a few answers.”

When I didn’t move the other tentacle touched my arm and lightning struck!

I was lying dizzily on the ground watching it trot away. “Shocking, isn’t it!” Hingst called back smugly. “Big batteries.

Floyd helped me to my feet and dusted me off. “So good so far.”

“Thanks. But you aren’t the one who was short-circuited.”

I reported to Madonette as we went on, with Tremearne listening in. “Applied technology,” he said. “Perhaps this lot isn’t as bad as the rest of the crumb-bums on this planet.” Since I was still tingling, and had a burnt taste in my mouth, I sneered in silence and did not bother to answer. Very soon after that Madonette called in that a creature like the one we had described was coming towards her. I clutched my sword in helpless anger, relaxed only when she called back.

“Just like you-only with a different name. Hoppe. As soon as it made the test it trotted off. What now?”

“We go on-and you take a break. If things are going to be the same, or similar, on both sides of the wall we’ll find out first.”

“Male chauv superiority?”

“Common sense. We’re three to your one.”

“A solid argument-and I could use the rest. Keep an contact.”

“You’ve got it. Here we go.”

The path had widened and was more of a dirt road now. We passed some tilled fields and came to a large grove of polpettone trees. Obviously cultivated since they were planted in neat rows. Beyond them was a low huddle of buildings that could be a farm.

Blocking the path was a brick building with an archway that spanned the road; we slowed and stopped.

“Is that what I think it is?” Steengo said.

“I think that it is a building with an arch under it,” Floyd said. “And we’re not going to find out any more just standing around here.”

We shuffled forward slowly and stopped again when a man appeared in the archway. Our hands twitched away from our weapons when he stepped out into the sunlight. He blinked his red-rimmed eyes against the glare, nodded his head so his mane of long white hair bobbed, then tapped the arrow-and-circle symbol picked out in white on the front of his gray robe.

“Welcome, strangers, welcome to Paradise. I am Afatt the official greeter. Market opens at dawn tomorrow. You may stay out here, or if you wish to camp beyond the arch your weapons will be looked after until you return. A payment of one fedha is required for attendance.”

The way he flicked a look over his shoulder as he said this strongly suggested that what he wanted was more bribe than payment.

“No way, aged Afatt,” I intoned. “Those you see before you are not peasant traders but galaxy-famous chart-topping musicians. We are… The Stainless Steel Rats!”

His jaw dropped and he stepped back a pace. “Don’t need no rats in Paradise. A rusty, chipped old fedha will do…”

“We got a real fan in old Afatt here,” Floyd muttered. “I thought the planet was hip-deep in TV sets?”

A more military Paradisian appeared in the archway. Younger, bigger, and he came complete with studded metal helmet and heavy leather trappings. “What did you say?” he said as he swung a shining and singularly nasty looking ax.

“You heard me, Sunny. I don’t repeat myself for the troops.”

This provoked a twisted snarl and a barked command.

“Guard-fall out. We got some sheot shaggers here that need a lesson in civility.”

This was followed instantly by the clanking of metal and the thud of running feet.

Many of them.

There were a lot of them, armed with a collection of nasty and lethal-looking weapons. I must learn to control impetuosity in speech on this slumworld. Think quickly, Jim, before things get any worse.

“I tempted a jest, good sir. I will be happy to repeat myself for your benefit. You, and your good men, have the pleasure of being in the presence of the finest musicians in the known galaxy!”

As I spoke I touched the remote control on the side of my backpack and a mighty organ sounded out the opening bars of “Mutants of Mercury.” Floyd and Steengo quickly joined in with the opening lines.

One head good-but two heads better —

Got brown eyes like an English setter…

The effect of this little jingle of genetic jest was very impressive. As a man the soldiers roared aloud and surged towards us.

“Do we fight or run?” Floyd said grimly, grabbing at his sword.

I started to shout fight-but at the last instant called out

“Listen!”

For they had forgotten about their weapons and were shouting with joy!

“It’s them, like on the Galactic Greasecutter show…”

“The hairy, ugly one-that’s Floyd!”

“I want to hear ‘How Much Is the Snakey in the Snakepit’!”

Then they were around us, trying to shake our hands and emitting hoarse cries of fannish enthusiasm.

“But-but – ” I but-butted. “Your official greeter never heard of us?”

The first soldier, snarls now turned to smiles, not too gently pushed the old man aside. “Afatt never looks at the boggle gox. But we do! Let me tell you it was like suicidesville around here when we heard that you were sent down. Should have known that you would have to end up here. Wait until the boys in the barracks hear about this. There’ll be a crackup in the old kaserne tonight!”

They escorted us cheerily under the arch and onto the drillfield beyond, our new host proudly leading the way.

“I’m Ljotur, Sergeant of the Guard. You all take it easy while I call this in. Drinks!” he ordered his men. “And food whatever they want.”