“You look good,” he says, giving me one of those smiles that makes me feel like my heart tripped and flipped and fell on its ass.

“You are so smooth.”

“I’m not trying to be smooth. I mean it.”

I roll my eyes.

“Why can’t I just give you a compliment?” he asks.

I look at him for a long while, and I don’t know that I have an answer for him. I swim over to the side of the pool, because suddenly my heart feels so heavy that I’m not sure I can stay afloat anymore. Nate follows.

“Callie,” he says, very softly.

My back is pressed against the shiny blue tiles that line the perimeter, and I’m looking down at my hands, all distorted by the water. He grips the concrete edge of the pool, one hand on either side of my head. He’s got me boxed in, but I don’t feel threatened by it. He’s close, but I could swim away if I wanted to.

The thing is, I don’t want to.

“He really did a number on you, didn’t he?” Nate says, not even trying to hide his anger. “You’re still torn up over it.” And the way the words come out, they’re a statement of fact. I have to set the record straight.

“I’m not torn up over it,” I tell him, looking him right in the eyes. And that’s the truth. I mean, it’s part of the truth, but things aren’t that simple.

“Callie-”

“I’m not. See, the thing is that I thought this would be us, you know? Me and Ethan getting married. Having a wedding, spending the rest of our lives together. I thought that’s where we were headed. I let myself believe I had forever with him, and then I came home and found him in bed with another woman. In our bed. And I just…I couldn’t believe it.”

“Cheating isn’t usually about the sex,” he says, like that matters at all.

“That doesn’t make it any better, Nate. That makes it worse.”

He nods, looking down, and I’m not sure if he doesn’t say anything because he wants me to keep going or because he just doesn’t know what else to say. There’s a part of me that’s ready to say this, to admit it out loud, and I want to admit it to him.

“Six months later, it’s not the sex that bothers me. Well, not really. It’s that I never thought he could do something like that to me. I didn’t think he was even capable of it. I was supposed to be the person who knew him better than anyone else, and I wonder how deep would I have gotten before I found out? Would we have gotten married? Would we have had children? How long would it have taken me to figure out that I didn’t know him at all? That’s what scares the hell out of me. So it’s not about him, you know? It’s about me. I don’t trust myself to know who it’s safe to give my heart to.”

Nate takes a deep breath, and his face is so full of understanding that I could cry. He reaches up and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear, and his expression is so tender that I can’t help but press my cheek into the palm of his hand and close my eyes. He makes me feel safe, and I don’t know if it’s right, but I want to allow myself the comfort that he offers, even though that’s so dangerous. It would be so easy for me to let myself fall in love with him. So easy to let him in. So easy for him to break my heart.

Nate’s hand slides down the side of my neck, and he traces the strap of my swimsuit with his fingertip. I can feel the trail of heat his touch leaves all the way down in my toes. “You won’t ever know who it’s safe to give your heart to. Falling in love is a risk.”

I laugh bitterly. “I think it’s well documented that I’m not much of a risk taker.”

He smiles, putting his hand back on the edge of the pool. “Not every guy is like Ethan.”

I know he’s dying to tell me that he isn’t like Ethan, but he doesn’t do that. I don’t know why his silence makes me believe him more than his words ever could, but everything in my brain is just a big swirl of confusion right now.

“But some guys are, Nate. How will I know the difference?”

He waits for me to look into his eyes before he speaks. “You’ll feel it.”

He says the words with conviction, and I want to believe him. I do know that I feel something when I’m with him, and I’m not sure whether it’s something I can’t name or something I just don’t want to name. Whatever it is though, it’s driving me crazy; it’s making me want to run in ten directions at once.

Nate’s leg brushes against mine, and all of a sudden I can feel his chest pressing against me. I’m not sure if he moved closer or if I did, but that doesn’t really matter anyway. I move my leg so that my foot presses up against the wall behind me because I need some leverage, and as I’m moving my thigh brushes up against his erection. He inhales a sharp, quick breath at the contact, looking at me with intensity behind his eyes that sends a nervous rush through me. And the truth is that I’m so tired of trying to sort out these feelings. I want Nate to feel; I want to be taken out of the equation, just for a little while.

Before I can talk myself out of all the reasons why this is a very bad idea, I wrap my legs around the backs of Nate’s thighs in order to hold myself up. I slide my hand across his shoulder and wrap my arm around his neck, then slide my other hand down his chest, gently grazing his skin with my fingernails. The contact makes his eyelids flutter. He reaches up to touch my face, but when I look at him, he knows that I need him to let me drive this. He knows that I need him to just put his hand back on the side of the pool. So, he does.

I want to kiss him so badly, but if I do I know I’ll never stop. I’ll get so lost that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to find my way back again. I’m not sure that I’d want to, and that scares the hell out of me.

I run my fingertips along the waistband of Nate’s swim trunks, and his muscles contract beneath my touch. I like teasing him, making him wait. But I’m not doing this to be cruel, so it’s not long before I slip my hand below the fabric and glide my palm along the length of his erection. I clasp my hand around him and slide it down. Nate’s head rolls to the side, his perfect, stubbly jaw on offer for my kisses. I press my lips there, then gently nip at his chin, drawing a low kind of growl from him that spurs me on. I take another pass downward and he bucks his hips into my hand, needing more friction. His breath quickens as I move, and my eyes meet his. He tilts his head and moves forward just a bit, wanting to kiss me, but I look down because I can’t let myself do that right now. I focus my attention on what I’m doing, and when my thumb skims over the tip of Nate’s dick, his eyes squeeze shut. The water makes everything more sensitive for me, so I can imagine how much better this feels for him.

“Callie,” he says, whispering my name. He presses his forehead against mine, and I can feel the warmth of his breath on my cheek. His lips are right there, and I manage to have the willpower to not taste him. I manage to go against every instinct that’s coursing through my body, and somehow this—touching him like this and not kissing him—is the sexiest thing I’ve ever done.

Still stroking him, I slide my other hand up the back of his neck and lightly scratch my nails against along his scalp. I remember that he liked it the first night we were together in Dallas, and he likes it now. I can tell by the way his breathing picks up and his muscles loosen. It’s like he can’t hold his head up anymore and he brings it to rest on my shoulder as I push him higher and higher.

“Nate, are you in here?”

Shit—it’s Jessa.

His name echoes throughout the room, and his head snaps back in an instant. I pull my hand away from him and duck under his arm. Jessa walks over right as I’m pulling myself up onto the pool deck, and I’m thankful she had the foresight to call out his name before she walked in here.

“Hey Callie,” she says, offering me a smile.

I smile back at her as I pick up a towel and wrap it around myself. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest that I can practically see it thrumming beneath my skin. “Hey,” I reply, pushing back the growing wave of disappointment that Nate and I were interrupted.