`What are you doing, Daddy?'

Larry stood sleepy-eyed but fascinated in the entrance to the kitchen. I didn't want to upset him. I had to watch my

words carefully.

`I'm looking for mice.'

`Oh boy, can I look?'

`No, they're dangerous.'

`Mice?'

`These mice are man-eaters.'

`Oh Daddy .. : [Scornfully].'

`I'm teasing [An habitual phrase; I shook my head].'

'Go back to be - [Another!]'

`Look under your mother's bed, I think they may have gone under there.'

Not a great many seconds later Larry came back from our bedroom accompanied by a bathrobed Lil. I was on my

knees at the stove about to heat a pot of water.

`Don't you involve the children in your games.'

Since I never lose my temper at Lil I lost it.

`Shut your mouth! You'll scare them all away.'

`Don't you say shut up to me!'

`One more word out of you and I'll ram a dinosaur down your throat.'

I stood up and strode toward her, fists clenched.

They both looked terrified. I was impressed.

`Go back to bed, Larry,' Lil said, shielding him and backing away.

`Get down on your knees and pray for mercy, Lawrence, NOW!' Larry ran for his bedroom, crying.

'Fie upon you!'

'Don't you dare hit me.'

`My God, you're insane,' Lil said.

I hit her, rather restrainedly; on the left shoulder.

She hit me, rather unrestrainedly, in the left eye.

I sat down on the kitchen floor.

`For breakfast is what?'

I asked, at least reversing the syntax.

`Are you through?'

`I surrender everything.'

`Come back to bed.'

`Except my honor.'

`You can keep your honor in your underwear; but come back to bed and behave.'

I jogged back to bed ahead of Lil and lay as rigid as a board for forty minutes at which point Lil commanded me to

get out of bed. Immediately and rigidly I obeyed. I stood like a robot beside the bed.

`Relax,' she commanded irritably from the dresser.

I collapsed to the floor, ending as painlessly as possible on my side and back. Lil came over and looked down at me

for a moment and then kicked me in the thigh. `Act normal,' she said.

I rose, did six squats arms extended and went to the kitchen.

For breakfast I had a hot dog, two pieces of uncooked carrot, coffee with lemon and maple syrup, and toast cooked

twice until it was blackened with peanut butter and radish. Lil was furious; primarily because both Larry and Evie wanted desperately to have for breakfast what I was having and ended up crying in frustration. Lil too. - I jogged down Fifth Avenue from my apartment to my office, attracting considerable attention since I was (1) jogging: (2) gasping like a fish drowning in air; and (3) dressed in a tuxedo over a red T-shirt with large white letters declaring The Big Red.

At the office Miss Reingold greeted me formally, neutrally and; I must admit, with secretarial aplomb. Her cold, ugly

efficiency stimulated me to break new ground in our relationship.

`Mary Jane, baby,' I said. `I've got a surprise this morning. I've decided to fire you.'

Her mouth neatly opened, revealing two precisely parallel rows of crooked teeth.

`As of tomorrow morning.'

`But - but Dr. Rhinehart, I don't under `It's simple, knee-knocker. I've been hornier in the last few weeks, want a

receptionist who's a good lay.'

`Dr. Rhinehart-'

`You're efficient, but you've got a flat ass. Hired a 38-24-37 who knows all about fellatio, post hoc propter id,

soixante-neuf, gesticulation and proper filing procedures.'

She was backing slowly towards Dr. Ecstein's office, eyes bulging, teeth gleaming like two parallel armies in disarray.

`She starts tomorrow morning,' I went on. `Has her own contraceptive device, I understand. You'll get full pay through

the end of the century. Good-bye and good luck.'

I had begun jogging in place about halfway through my tirade and at its conclusion I sprinted neatly into my office.

Miss Reingold was last seen sprinting not so neatly into Jake's.

I assumed the traditional lotus position on my desk and wondered what Miss Reingold would do with my chaotic

cruelties. After minimal investigation I concluded that she had been given something to fill her dull life. I pictured her years hence with two dozen nieces and nephews clustered around her chubby knees telling them about the wicked doctor who stuck pins in patients and raped others and, under the influence of LSD and imported Scotch, fired good, hard-working people and replaced them with raving nymphomaniacs.

Feeling superior in my imaginative faculties and uncomfortable in my yoga position I stretched both arms upward. A knock on the door. .

`Yo!' I answered, arms still outstretched, my tuxedo straining grotesquely. Jake stuck his head in.

`Say, Luke, baby, Miss Reingold was telling me som-' He saw me. Jake's habitual piercing squint couldn't quite

negotiate the sight: he blinked twice.

`What's up, Luke?' he asked tentatively.

I laughed. `Oh this,' I said, fingering the tuxedo. `Late party last night. I'm trying to wake myself up before Osterflood

comes. Hope I didn't upset Miss R: He hesitated, his chubby neck and round face still the only parts of him which had

eased their way into the room.

`Well,' he said, `yeah. She says you fired her.'

`Nonsense,' I replied. `I was telling her a joke I heard at the party last night; it was a little raunchy perhaps, but nothing

that would upset Mary Magdalen.'

`Yeah,' he said, his traditional squint gathering strength, his glasses like two flying saucers with slits concealing deadly ray guns. `Righto,' he said. `Sorry to bother you.' His face vanished, the door eased shut. While meditating I was interrupted a few minutes later by the door opening and

Jake's glasses reappearing.

`She wants me to make sure she's not fired.'

`Tell her to come to work tomorrow fully prepared.'

`Righto.'

When Osterflood strode in I was limping around the room trying to get the circulation back into my feet' He walked

automatically to the couch but I stopped him.

`No you don't, Mr. O. Today you sit over there and I'll use the couch.'

I made myself comfortable while he lumbered uncertainly to the chair behind my desk.

`What's the matter. Dr. Rhinehart, do you-'

`I feel elated today,' I began, noting in the corner of the ceiling an impressive cobweb. For how many years had my

patients been staring at that? `I feel I've made a major breakthrough on the road to the New Man.'

`What new man?'

`The Random Man. The unpredictable man. I feel today I am demonstrating that habits can be broken. That man is

free.'

`I wish I could break my habit of raping little girls,' he said, trying to get the focus back on himself.

`There's hope, Oh there's hope. Just do the opposite of everything you normally do. If you feel like raping them,

shower them with candy and kindness and then leave. If you feel like beating a whore, have her beat you. If you feel

like seeing me, go to a movie instead.'

`But that's not easy. I like hurting people.'

`True, but you may find you'll get a kick out of kindness, too. Today, for example, I found running to work much more

meaningful than my usual cab ride. I also found my cruelty to Miss Reingold, refreshing. I used to enjoy being nice to

her.'

`I wondered why she was crying. What happened?'

`I accused her of bad breath and body odor.'

`Jesus.'

`Yes.'

`That was a horrible thing to do. I'd never do a thing like that.'

`I hope not. But the city health authorities had issued a formal complaint that the entire building was beginning to

stink. I had no choice.'