In retrospect, however, it seemed the jackal must have been smoothing a path into the whole Lustrata thing. If I were willing to justify being an assassin in the name of justice, then I couldn't shy away from being the Lustrata, right?

"Hello, Persephone."

The gray and tan jackal sat on the rocks beside me.

"Amenemhab." I wanted to call him M&M or Ah-min, or something shorter and easier to say, but it irritated me when people read my name and called me Percy-phone, so I always made the effort.

He panted, then closed his mouth. One side twitched up in a dog smile. "Never a dull moment with you, is there?"

"Not anymore." Pulling my toes from the water, I allowed the warm sunshine to dry them.

"Tell me."

"Johnny and I… well. We…" It was difficult to even imagine myself saying it aloud. "We had sex," I blurted.

"Oh. And?"

That question could have meant any of a dozen things. Totem animals are wily, and Amenemhab was very effective at getting things out of me. If I hadn't been feeling so shy and embarrassed about the issue I might have just answered with the first thing that came to mind. As it was, I decided to ask a question in return. "And what?"

"Was it good, how do you feel about it, and is that genuinely why you are here?"

Of course he'd cut to the heart of the issue. Exasperated, I said, "Fabulous, don't know, and yes."

"All right then." He stood and leapt from the rocks to the softer grass. He rolled around as if scratching his back, then twisted onto his stomach and seemed completely comfortable. "Go ahead. I am ready."

"For what?"

"For either the long story you tell about how fabulous it was and why that makes it wrong or bad or difficult in some way, or the torturous version of the same story where I have to ask questions and drag the details out of you." He crossed his front paws and held his ears pricked curiously. "Go ahead."

I groaned. How to sterilize the tale and break it down into the most necessary pieces? "It was not like it ever was before."

"Oh, you are getting very good at this! How so?"

"Multiorgasmic good."

"Congratulations."

Being congratulated about a sexual accomplishment felt weird. "Thank you."

"And how exactly are you trying to analyze this into being a wrong, bad, or difficult thing for you?"

"It was that good because of the stain."

"Are you certain?"

"When I've had sex before, it wasn't that amazing and I wasn't stained then, so yes, I'm certain."

"Mmmm. A very effective position to take, if you insist on turning the good thing into a bad thing." He paused to consider it. "This could be the root of all your problems, you know."

"What could be the root of all my problems? 'Cause if there is one single thing at the root of all my problems, I'll get a shovel right now and dig until all the roots are exposed, then hose them down with weed killer."

Nonplussed, Amenemhab said, "You can see others in black and white, you know right from wrong. You're willing to make a judgment call and are capable of acting on it, but when your notice is not on others; when it is only yourself you must judge; when it is your life, your intimacy, and your comfort zone being scrutinized by those judgmental eyes of yours, the black and white smear until all becomes gray."

I considered that. He could be right. "Okay. So help me see things clearly."

"A binding like yours will amplify a libido, but that mark isn't the only new part of the experience. Your partner was new."

"You're right," I conceded.

"Isn't there another part of these sexual circumstances that was unique?"

"Huh?"

"Have you ever been with a waere before?"

"No."

"Have you ever had intercourse in the position the two of you chose?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?"

"If you are going to overanalyze something new, then you have to be open about all the aspects that were new. Was it a new position for you?"

"When we started, no, by the end, yes."

"Hmmm." Amenemhab cocked his head. "What if it is as you fear? If it is due to the mark? What if it is all of these things? What if it is simply the chemistry between the two of you?"

"If it is the stain, I can't do that again; if it's our chemistry, I can."

He shook his head as if disappointed. "How do you ascertain this?"

"If it's the stain then it's controlling me. I have to find a way to stifle it, period."

"But you enjoyed it!"

I spread my arms. "Enjoyed it so much I'm here."

"So you won't repeat something you already did once and enjoyed" — he scratched a paw down his brow and over his muzzle—"because you think the mark might be making it feel better?"

"Don't be condescending."

"I'm not."

"You are. You make it sound silly."

"It is silly."

I made a face at him.

"Of all the things that have happened to you and changed in the last month, very little of it has been under your control. One thing you can control is your relationship with Johnny. Perhaps you are conflicted simply to exert some control because you can?"

"You're a little furry to be going Freud on me."

He sat taller. "You enjoyed sex so much it disturbed you and you're here. I'm obligated to 'go Freud' on you."

"You make it seem like I'm just being a silly, prudish girl. I'm not. I've got feelings for him. I was attracted to him even before the stain. Now my feelings are growing, and growing fast. Scary fast. I know I'm freaking out a bit. I'm afraid it's the stain that's making me feel this way, not just… us."

Amenemhab stood with irritated suddenness. "Do you doubt that taking your grandmother in was the right thing to do?"

Unsure where he was going with this and disliking his impatience, I answered guardedly. "I knew it would be aggravating and good at the same time. So no, I don't doubt it was the right thing to do."

"Was taking Beverley in the right choice?"

"Of course."

"Was saving those parts of you bound to Menessos the right thing to do?"

"Yes."

"You had a choice, you know. You chose to take the actions that would save your other self. Now that you are more fully aware of the consequences, are you more or less certain that was the right thing to do?"

I hesitated. Without those parts of my self bound up with the stain, I wouldn't have any sense of right and wrong. I wouldn't have feelings for other people. I couldn't imagine being the kind of person who had no values, who could not care for others.

"Was it the right thing to do?" he pressed.

Softly, I said, "Yes."

"Then find a way to live with the binding, Persephone, for it is yours. Forever. Unavoidably." He paused. "You can, of course, waffle over every decision and you can pick and choose your relationships, selecting only the ones that avoid intimacy." He paused. "Not what I would recommend, by the way."

My hard look didn't faze him.

"Persephone, the real question is: why would you deliberate so hard to find a justifiable reason to avoid fabulous intimacy?"

I opened my mouth to answer, then stopped. I couldn't say it.

"Let me guess, you think you do not deserve it?"

I stared at the ground.

He pressed, "Because you think the binding has tainted you?"

I didn't answer, which was, in itself, an answer.

"I adore and applaud your altruism, but, please, do not disregard what you have given up! Being selfless is heroic, but being selfless to the point of self-destruction is futile. It undermines the triumphs gained in the selfless moments."

That made sense.

"Your body has been graced with the touch of something immortal—"

"Something dead."

"Stop searching for reasons to abhor it, Persephone. It is part of you now, and self-loathing will only consume what little confidence you have." His voice was firm.