"I have not been crying, honest I haven't, Uncle Rory," I said, sniffing.

"Of course you haven't," Uncle Rory grinned, winking at my mum.

That's right," I said. Now put me down!

Uncle Rory put me down with a grunt. "That's better," he said, roughing up my hair. "Ah; a wee smile!"

Of course I'm smiling, you big fool; you are prey for my thoughts!

"Will you be away awful long, Uncle Rory?" I asked.

"Yes, I dare say I will, Prentice," Uncle Rory said. The PA system shouted that the Heathrow flight was boarding. The voice mentioned something about a gate, but I doubted it would be anything as interesting as a stargate. Uncle Rory picked up his shoulder bag and the three of us started to walk towards a big crowd of people. A loud roar outside the glass expanse of one wall sounded excitingly like a crash… but it was only a plane landing.

"If you're in Hollywood and bump into George Lucas — " Uncle Rory laughed mightily, and exchanged one of those infuriatingly knowing adult looks with my mum. "I don't think that's very likely, Prentice, but if I do…»

"Will you ask him if he got my letter?" I said. We reached the place where everybody was standing around and hugging, and we stopped. "He'll know what it's about."

"I certainly will." Uncle Rory laughed, squatting down. He made a worse mess of my hair and gripped both shoulders of my blazer. "Now you be a good boy and I'll see you all in a few months." He stood up. Him and mum had a brief cuddle, and she kissed him on the cheek. I turned my face away. I was glad my father wasn't here to see this. How could they do that sort of thing in public? I had a look round to see if my dad was watching from behind a potted palm or through holes cut in a newspaper, but he didn't seem to be.

"Bye, Rory; safe journey."

"Bye, Mary. Tell Ken I'll call when I can."

"Will do. Take care now."

Uncle Rory grinned. "Yeah." He squeezed one of her shoulders and winked at her again! "Bye love; see you."

"Bye." We watched him show his ticket to the man at the gate, then with one last wave he was gone.

I turned to mum. "Mum, can I have some more money for the Star Wars machine?" I pointed at the video games. "I got through three stages last time and I almost got to the fourth; I think I know how to deal with the big towers now and I'm getting really good at —»

"I think you've had quite enough of that machine, Prentice," mum said, as we walked away through the people. We were heading for the stairs. I tried to pull her towards the row of video games.

"Aw, mum, please; come on; I'll let you watch if you like."

You will let me play the machine. You will let me play the machine.

She had the nerve to laugh. "That's very kind of you, Prentice, but I'll pass on that. We have to get back home."

"Can I go home on the train mum, please can I?"

You will let your son take the train home. You will let your son Prentice take the train home.

"Something wrong with my driving, you wee rascal?"

"No mum, but can I please?"

"No, Prentice; we'll take the car."

"Aww, but mum…»

"Will I buy you a book?" Mum stopped near the bookshop. "Would you like that?"

"There's a Judge Dredd annual out," I said helpfully.

She tssked. "Oh, I suppose, if it'll keep you quiet…»

While she paid for it, I went to the pile of dad's books, and when nobody was looking I tore a couple of pages in one book, then put a load of somebody else's books over the top of dad's, so that nobody could see them.

How dare he take the stories he'd told me and Lewis and James and the others and tell them to other people, to strangers? They were ours; they were mine!

"Come on, terror," mum said.

A hand between my shoulder blades propelled me from the shop. But at least it wasn't the Vulcan Death Grip.

You will change your mind about letting your son take the train.

Mrs Mary McHoan, you will change your mind about letting your son Prentice take the train home… and about playing the Star Wars machine…

"I mean, nobody tells you sex is going to be so noisy, do they? I mean, they can be quite specific about the actual act itself; there is no gory detail, no technical nuance that is not gone into, by teachers or parents or books about sex or the Joy of LURVE or television programmes or just the boys or girls in the year above you at school telling you behind the bike sheds, BUT NOBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT THE NOISE!

"They don't! The first time I ever got laid it was the summer, it was hot, we were doing it naked in the old missionary position, and there I was, trying to pretend I'd been doing this for years, and thinking am I doing this right? Was that enough foreplay, did I devote sufficient time to going down on her or did it look like I was doing it because I read you ought to in Cosmopolitan… and I did want to spend more time down there, but my neck was getting sore… and I'm thinking should I start chewing the other earlobe now, and should I sort of pull back so I can get my mouth to her nipples, because I'd like to suck them; I would, but my neck's still sore, and just as I'm thinking about all this, and still trying to think about putting this MFI kitchen unit together to stop myself from coming too soon but it isn't working any more more because I keep thinking of screws and pre-drilled holes and male and female parts and I'm stroking her and it's great and she's panting and I'm panting and then, just then, from in between our two naked, heaving bodies, THERE IS A NOISE LIKE A RHINOCEROS FARTING!

"There is the noise of a fart the like of which you have never heard in your life before; it echoes off nearby tall buildings; it leaves your ears ringing; little old half-deaf ladies three streets away run to the broom cupboard and start hammering on the ceiling and threatening their upstairs neighbours with the Noise Abatement Society. I mean, a Loud Fart, okay?

"And she is laughing and you don't know what to do; you try to keep going but it happens again and she's in hysterics and it is all deeply, deeply, deeply embarrassing, and you keep going but there's this constant farting noise caused by all the sweat and it just isn't the same any more and you're thinking why didn't they tell me about this? Why wasn't I told? I mean, do other people put a towel in between them, or what?

"… And you come eventually and after a cuddle and you've whispered a few sweet somethings, you withdraw, holding the old johnny on because that's what it says on the packet after all, and you go to the loo to dispose of the horrible dangly greasy thing and you have a very full bladder by now and you think you'll have a pee… Ha ha ha ha ha; WRONG! You think you'll have a pee, but you can't!…»

I shook my head, remembering the times Lewis had ranted away like this in the past; in pubs, amongst friends, at parties. I'd enjoyed it usually, back then; I'd felt almost privileged to witness these chaotic fulminating tirades, and even been proud that Lewis was my brother… But then I'd come to my senses and decided that my elder sibling was in fact a vainglorious egomaniac with a runaway sarcasm-gland problem. Now he was taking what had been relatively amusing examples of a private wit and exposing them to everybody, to make money and amass praise. My family are always doing this sort of thing to me.

I looked at Gav. Gav was standing at my side, clutching his pint glass up near his shoulder and howling with laughter. He was sweating. He had tears in his eyes and his nose was running. He was having a great time. Gavin — one of my two flatmates — is a chap of the world; he has been there, he has done all this, he has had everything that Lewis was describing happen to him, too, and he didn't mind who knew it; this was the comedy of recognition; it was mature, it was happening, it was ideologically correct in terms of sexual politics, but it was also extremely rude, and Gav just thought it was all totally hilarious. He was spilling what was left of his pint down his coat, but I suspected he wouldn't have cared even if he had noticed.