So why did she do it? Why did the Grand Duchess take it upon herself to visit Kalyayev, the man who’d murdered her husband, the very next day? It made not a bit of sense to me.

There were countless matters of importance, but first came the children, to whom I tried to amend my ways and see after as I never had. I worried about them constantly in the days and weeks to come, and I prayed to God for his guidance, that I might bring up Maria and Dmitri as well as Sergei had begun. I promised my very best and knowing his ideas and principles, only needed to try and follow what had always been before my eyes and warm up those tender little hearts as true Christians and real Russians, founding all on faith and duty.

With good speed Sergei’s remains were placed in a coffin beneath a silver canopy there in the Church of St. Aleksei. The cof fin had to rest open, naturally, for such were the standards of Orthodoxy, but of course this presented quite a situation, for so much damage had been done to him, so much blown away, even, God forbid, lost. And so it was that I ordered and the next day found my husband in the open box, his destroyed face and hands-what was left of them, anyway-completely veiled, and his lower body draped in brocade edged with gold braid. In front, placed on a brass stand, stood the icon Savior Not Made by Hands, which I know would have pleased Sergei, while stacked all around were nearly 300 wreaths and floral decorations. Services were held all that day long, and while the children came only for morning and evening prayers, I remained on my knees before the bier nearly the entire time. Indeed, I attended services each and every one of the following six days, and after the funeral I was at all prayers for the following forty days.

I, who had never so much as commissioned a new dress without Sergei’s express approval and permission, was suddenly issuing constant instruction with surprising confidence. By my command-and expressly against the advice of my security-the gates of the Kremlin remained unlocked and open to all, and access to the church itself was completely at will to Muscovites of every rank and walk of life, who were allowed inside one hundred at a time. Most touching to me was that as they passed by so many, if not all, dropped coins into Sergei’s coffin, wanting that the whole of the Orthodox people pay for continued masses for this “True Believer.” So moved was I by this and countless other kindnesses that on the day of the funeral I ordered that Moscow’s poor receive, at the expense of my private purse, a free meal in memory of the newly departed.

To my horror, sad word had got round that the revolutionaries were intent on exterminating the entire Ruling House, so travel to Moscow was not simply deemed too risky for any member of the Imperial Family, it was forbidden by strict order of the Emperor himself. A gathering of royals, it was feared, might stir the revolutionaries to more violent action, or at the very least prompt more strikes in the factories and shops. Indeed, it was reported to me that it had been discovered that another of us, the Grand Duke Aleksei, was being hunted like a wolf. For this and other reasons it was deemed too dangerous for Their Majesties to leave Tsarskoye, and by official letter all Grand Dukes were even forbidden to attend requiem services at either the Kazanski or Isakovski Cathedral in Peterburg. This was all quite shocking and what a disgrace, and I knew how inconsolable were the two Empresses-both Alicky and Minnie-that they could not pay their last respects to the dead, and how particularly pained was my sister that I was alone, but it made no matter, not really. In the end, lovely Grand Duke Konstantin managed to get permission to come and, too, Pavel-the children’s father, who had been banished from the Empire but had received special permission to return to Russia and Moscow. From abroad also came my brother and sister and a small handful of others, so that in the end there was not a complete absence of relations at the funeral, and this was intense comfort. In any case, I had any number of things that needed my immediate attention, and though my ladies and my doctors predicted my collapse, I could not and would not and did not.

The day after the explosion, as I knelt in prayer before my Sergei’s coffin, I understood more profoundly than ever the differences between the faith of my birth, the Lutheran Church, and the faith to which I had converted, Russian Orthodoxy. Western faiths adhered strictly to a belief in purgatory, of course, whereas in my new land we turned away from such absolute condemnation. Instead, we believed that there was not a sin that could not be redeemed by complete spiritual cleansing and impulse. Simply, we Orthodox held firmly that in an attempt to get closer to God all souls passed from stage to stage, suffering agony for past sins, as we all awaited judgment. Where my Sergei’s soul now lay on that path to God and just how much he was suffering, I did not know, but I feared for his past sins, I feared that he had far to go. And for this I doubled my prayers for him, hoping that my earnest requests to the Lord would pull Sergei further along, moving him a touch closer unto the feet of God.

And then as I knelt there, a remarkable thing came to my attention: I heard a voice, quite mystical but entirely clear in both voice and intent. As if my dearest were whispering intimately into my ear, I was told that I must not concern myself with earthly justice, specifically that I was to think of Kalyayev’s soul and not his body. Taking this entirely to heart, I commanded a carriage, and that afternoon a black brougham draped with black crape was brought to the Palace. And so off I set for the Piatnitsky police station, for my husband’s murderer was being kept there. Too, by my most forceful order, word of my visit was to be kept with the utmost secrecy, but of course little success came of that. Oh, people, people! As my sister once said to me, “Without character, without love for their Motherland, for God, people of any rank can be such petty dishrags…” And on that subject I did agree a wee bit with my Alix.

Needless to say, beginning with my household and right to the police station, my visit did throw officials into quite a muddle, for I daresay that a princess of any rank, let alone royal, had rarely, if ever, set foot in such an institution. However, the request of a Grand Duchess could not be denied by any excepting husband or Emperor. So toward evening I was taken to the Piatnitsky District, and the director-chief himself led me to a small office where the young Ivan Kalyayev was already waiting for me. I had strongly insisted as well that no one else should be in attendance-not even a guard-and so it was that we were left alone.

What shocked me immediately upon entering the small room was how young he was, how kind and pleasant-looking, this despite the numerous small wounds the blast had left on his face. As the door shut behind me, it struck me how proud he looked, of this I was quite sure, for there appeared not an inkling of regret or remorse. And this nearly knocked me over: how could a civilized person, someone certainly literate, take it upon himself as duty to kill another human being, let alone my husband, a Grand Duke?

I couldn’t stop staring at him, for this young man was not the monster I had imagined, and I slowly crossed the small room, my black dress dragging the floor, my eyes unexpectedly blooming with slow tears.

“Have you come to identify me?” he asked without rising from his chair.

“No.”

“Then why are you here?” Obviously not recognizing me, he pressed, “Who are you?”

“I am his wife.”

A sharp look of surprise crossed his face, yet he did not rise, nor for that matter did he bow. I didn’t care in the least for matters of etiquette, however. I slumped into the chair next to him and quite against my will the tears came aplenty.