Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse. This had to be part of the test, because it was certainly testing my patience, if not my sanity.

“There are two vampires outside, and they are here to kill me,” I repeated numbly.

“Actually, there are five vampires outside, only two of them are across the street,” Lex corrected, shrugging. “And they sure aren’t here for the pie, fantastic though it might be.” His nonchalance about my imminent demise was just a tad bit off-putting.

“Great, just great. Now what do we do?” I mumbled around the cigarette, fighting with my cheap lighter as it refused to light.

“Easy, we kill them first,” Tybalt said matter-of-factly. “Five vampires should be no problem at all.”

“You don’t think that’s a little extreme?”

“No. Those witches poisoned your mind with that ‘do no harm’ nonsense. You need to listen to your inner faerie more,” Tybalt advised. “If anybody tries to kill you, you’re allowed to kill them back.”

“Geez, Tybalt.” I’d forgotten how bloodthirsty faeries could be, because my cousins always seem so innocent with their game-show fascination and addiction to sweets.

“That’s exactly why witches are the smallest percentage of the magician population,” Mac intoned.

“No shit, Sherlock.” Sad, but true, and I knew just how pathetic that fact was. Back in the olden days when hunters showed up to purge a town of magical influence, witches always held fast to their oath to harm none and refused to fight back. Better a martyr than a murderer, in their opinion-which of course was the very reason I’d been outcast.

Even though I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel and let the vamps get me just yet, I wasn’t ready to let Tybalt dash outside and slay them all either. There had to be a better way, a plan that would allow me to get around them with no killing involved, even if they more than likely deserved it. Life is a cycle, a great wheel that turns throughout time: we are born, we live, we die, and (if we are lucky) we are reborn again. Vampires take themselves out of nature’s cycle, jamming a hypothetical spike in the spokes to stop the wheel from turning. Their souls are tied to a body stuck in a sort of suspended animation, fueled by the blood of living magicians, and all the while gathering up more bad karma. I don’t know much about the underworld-the place where the restless dead reside-but I do know horrible things happen to vampires when they die. The things your worst nightmares are made of.

Becoming a vampire doesn’t make a person evil. They become one because they already are. And now every vamp in the tri-state area was gunning for me. Great.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“When you’re ready, I walk you home.”

“That’s it?” Sounded too simple to be true.

“That’s it.” Lex nodded. The man was as blasé about the subject as though there were angry Chihuahuas outside planning to nip at my ankles, instead of a posse of vampires waiting to turn me into a magical piñata.

“Huh. Well I guess I better finish cleaning up then.” I slid out of the booth, and Mac looked at me, sadness in his eyes. His expression alone nearly broke my heart, and I swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in my throat.

“You don’t have to clean up, Cat. I can handle it,” Mac offered.

I did my best to give him an encouraging smile and shook my head. “I’ve seen you clean. It’s better if I do it. Won’t take me very long. Just give me a few minutes. Do you want more coffee while you wait?” I asked Lex, in my very best customer-service-first voice.

“Sure, Cat.” He smiled, and I looked to my cousin.

“Okay. Tybalt, get Lex coffee.”

I turned and walked away. Mac coughed, sounding as though he was swallowing a laugh, and I picked up a half-full bin of dirty dishes. Hefting the weight, I headed back into the kitchen, and Mac followed. I set the bin next to the sink and started to empty it.

“Of all the cafés in all the world, he walks into mine. Again.”

“Well, at least he’s one of the best,” Mac said. “He comes from a long line of guardians. There’s Duquesnes across the whole country.”

“Yeah, I know.” I began placing dishes into the washer. I’d only met one member of Lex’s family, but I’d heard a bit about the rest of them. Besides, I didn’t need to know about his family history to know the Duquesnes were model guardians-Lex’d already proved that one when he’d turned me in to the witches’ council. Takes a special kind of devotion to duty to turn your girlfriend over to the firing squad.

“Exactly what did you do to piss the vamps off this badly?”

“Oh, a little of this, little of that.” I waved a hand dismissively. “Swore vengeance on my father in a faerie mound while invoking the Lord and Lady.”

Mac snorted in amusement. “Nice one, Cat.”

“I’m nothing if not creative.”

I headed out to the dining room and went about the rest of my routine-clearing, cleaning and getting the café back to its pristine glory. While concentrating on the music playing through the overhead speakers, I almost managed to ignore the guardian drinking coffee and the certain death that waited outside, lurking in the shadows my own stupidity had caused when I’d blown out the streetlights. See what losing your temper gets you, kiddies?

As I worked I hummed along with the music until I recognized the song-“This Kiss” by Faith Hill. I stopped so suddenly I nearly tripped over my own feet, and then ignored the guardian’s stifled chuckle as I tried to regain my dignity. With a full bin of dishes I retreated into the safety of the kitchen, and when I returned I found Lex and Tybalt enthralled with their battle plans. I almost felt bad for the vampires outside. Almost.

Despite being distracted by his discussion, I felt Lex’s eyes on me as I moved through the room. Usually men only watch me when they’re wondering where their order is, or if they want their check. I assumed Lex was trying to gauge how useful I’d be in a fight, which is not much. Sure, I own a sword and a few knives, but they are forbidden from drawing anyone’s blood but my own (and really, I didn’t want to be encouraging my own blood loss in the middle of a fight). I also have been through a few self-defense training courses, but that knowledge would do jack against a vampire. They’re just about indestructible, as long as they’re well fed. Stab ’em, they keep on coming. Shoot them. Run them over with a car. Drop an anvil on their head.

Okay maybe not the anvil, but as long as their heart isn’t completely destroyed or their head severed, vampires just keep coming back for more. It’s really damn unfair, and the horror-film solutions for vamp slaying don’t do a damn thing. Garlic? Uh, no. Silver? Please, they drape themselves in it since it looks so wonderful with their all-black wardrobes. Sunlight? Unless they get burned red like a tomato with fangs, it’s not going to slow them down much. Which leaves us with wooden stakes. Really, any kind of stake (not steak, stake, the difference is important) would work if you managed to totally obliterate the heart in one shot. The tough part is hitting that one shot right on, and the wood does help if you’re looking for a lovely splintering effect to do maximum damage.

In short, if you should find yourself in a fight against a vampire, you are really right and proper fucked.

The thought was less than comforting to me.

When my tasks were finished I popped into Mac’s office to say goodbye. He did his best to look encouraging as he gave me a hug and a quick peck on the cheek.

“Blessed be, Cat.”

“Thanks, Mac. Are you still leaving tomorrow for the conference in D.C.?” There was a big librarian get-together he was going to. I wasn’t sure what librarians did when they had a conference. Maybe they all sat in the same room and read spellbooks, or had lectures on the finer points of casting anti-dust wards.