Next, he moves to break up this piece of calibrated communication by asking Marcie to check out her Mind Reading-Complex Equivalence with Dave. As she asks Dave about this, her voice tone, body posture and movements fail to match her words. The therapist again intervenes by making Marcie aware of the incongruities which he detected in her communication and tells her of his difficulty in understanding her incongruent communication. Marcie's response clearly indicates that she is completely calibrated with respect to Dave's communication; she is absolutely convinced that Dave is not paying attention to her when he is not looking at her. Since she is totally convinced, the task which the therapist has asked her to perform is not congruent with what she believes, and the result is an incongruent communication.

Marcie: Oh, yeah; well, you're the one who wanted me to ask him; I already know that he wasn't paying any attention.

Therapist: (turning to Dave) Dave, I'd like you to respond to Marcie's question.

Dave: Sure; well, I really was listening to what Marcie (the therapist gestures that Dave should speak directly to Marcie), to what you were saying, Marcie (looking at her). Oh, what's the use (looking down at the floor).

Therapist: Dave, what happened with you just then? You seemed to look at Marcie and then you looked

back at the floor.

Dave: Oh, I just saw that look again on Marcie's face. I know what that means: She's unhappy with me.

Therapist: Marcie, true or not true, what Dave said?

Marcie: No. Actually, I was watching Dave's face and thinking how much I'd like to believe him.

Therapist: Dave, tell us about how you end up looking at the floor instead of directly at Marcie.

Dave: What?

Therapist: I'd like you to describe what happened to you when you were talking to Marcie and looking at her, and then you ended up looking at the floor.

Dave: Oh, I'm used to that. I don't talk so good when I get tight — you know, like I was describing before.

And when Marcie looks at me that way, I sorta go blank, you know what I mean?

Therapist: And when you are trying to listen to Marcie and understand her, what happens that you end up

looking at the floor?

Dave: I really want to hear and understand what she is saying, and if I try to look at her and I see that look

on her face like before, I don't hear what she's saying. Marcie, I really do . . . really.

Therapist: I'm wondering (turning to Marcie) whether you realized that Dave was not looking at you but rather at the floor, not because he wasn't paying attention to you, but because it's really important to him that he is able to pay attention to what you are saying. Did you know that before?

Marcie: (beginning to cry softly) Yes, Dave, I believe you.

Therapist: And you, Dave, when you see that look on Marcie's face — the one that you used to think was because she was unhappy with you — do you understand that that's Marcie's way of showing interest, of paying attention to you?

This portion of the transcript shows several important patterns. First, notice that some of the pain connected with Dave and Marcie comes directly from the calibrated communication system which they have built up with one another. In the way that Marcie organizes her experience, she has set up the Complex Equivalence that if Dave is not looking at her, he is not paying attention to her. In Dave's way of organizing his experience, whenever he is looking at Marcie and he sees a certain expression on her face, he has to look away from her in order to continue to be attentive. This is just the vicious cycle of communication failure we encounter so frequently: The very thing that one family member does to accomplish something is the cue or signal to another family member that he is not doing that very thing. The cycle continues indefinitely as there is no way in the present patterns of communication for the individual members to get feedback.

This exchange between Marcie and Dave, then, is an excellent example of the way in which the patterns of Complex Equivalence and Mind Reading can hook up to create a chain of calibrated communication which results in pain for the family members. We can break up the process in a step-by-step manner to identify the overall pattern and the separate elements of it.

1. Both Marcie and Dave are caring, well-intentioned people. They sincerely want to communicate with each other. Marcie begins to talk; Dave is watching her as he listens.

2. Marcie struggles to express herself accurately, and Dave struggles to understand. In her efforts to communicate, Marcie changes the expression on her face, narrowing her eyes as she makes mental pictures to help her organize her communication (remember, her most used representational system is visual), and leans forward. Dave, in the past, has seen a similar expression on Marcie's face and observed similar body movements by Marcie when she is unhappy with him. That is, Dave has a Complex Equivalence of:

Marcie narrows eyes and leans forward = Marcie is unhappy with Dave

3. By the Complex Equivalence, Dave "knows" what Marcie is feeling and thinking; that is, employing the Complex Equivalence, Dave uses Mind Reading to determine Marcie's experience. This is the first piece of calibrated communication.

4. Since Dave "knows" that Marcie is unhappy with him, he is tight and finds it difficult to listen and to understand what she is saying while he is aware of her signals. Thus, he shifts his gaze from Marcie to the floor. Notice that this shift comes from his desire to understand Marcie, plus his Mind Reading.

5. Marcie notes the shift of Dave's eyes from her to the floor. In the past, Marcie has seen this movement on Dave's part when he is not paying attention to her. Thus, Marcie has the Complex Equivalence of:

Dave shifts gaze from Marcie to the floor = Dave is not paying attention to Marcie

6. By Complex Equivalence, Marcie "knows" that Dave is not paying attention to her — she "knows" the inner experience which Dave is having. Marcie is now Mind Reading; this is the second piece of calibrated communication.

7. Since Marcie "knows" that Dave is not paying attention to her, she increases her efforts to capture his attention — leaning farther forward in her chair, narrowing her eyes even more, as she attempts to organize her communication more effectively (by making pictures of the ways she might use to gain his attention). Notice that these changes which she goes through come from her desire to communicate with Dave, plus her Mind Reading.

Dave and Marcie are now locked into a vicious cycle: The more that Marcie tries to express herself effectively, the more she presents Dave with signals that she is unhappy with him, and the more that Dave detects the signal that Marcie is unhappy with him, the more he responds by trying to understand, presenting her with signals that he is not paying attention to her, and the more that Marcie detects Dave's signals, the more she strives to communicate and to capture his attention, and the more .... After some period of time — after the cycle has gone around several times — Marcie will, in fact, become unhappy with Dave, and Dave will, in fact, stop paying attention to Marcie to avoid the bad feeling it gives him. This last step puts the finishing touches on the calibrated communication as it confirms the Complex Equivalence and Mind Reading upon which that communication cycle is based.