HE IS INSANE!

THE WHOLE OF THE VOLTAR CONFEDERACY HAS BEEN GUIDED FOR NEARLY A CENTURY BY A MAN WHO IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY CRAZY! Oh, let's forget for the moment the imagined successes of the Confederacy during that period, since they are hardly to his credit. That Voltar, since he took over as Crown, has never lost a war is simply a tribute to the Army and Fleet, and wars have been few, remember that! And let's not harp upon the fact that Voltar has never in her history been so prosperous internally: when everybody is employed and working cheerfully, you can't help but have prosperity. His popularity doesn't count, for it is based on the fact that he is never in the news and there are no investigative reporters around to tell people the TRUTH! The multiple identities would prove it by itself that Jettero Heller is insane. But there is a REAL BIG PIECE OF EVIDENCE YOU MUST NOT OVERLOOK! By submerging Earth, JETTERO HELLER HAS COST VOLTAR THE STAGGERING BENEFITS THAT WE COULD GET FROM EARTH! I have listed them above. It should be plain to you, dear reader, that only a madman would underprivilege Voltar that way! A vicious, dirty trick to play on all of us!

SO!

That spot is blank on the invasion tables. The planet Earth belongs there. Those tables are SACRED! The time for the invasion is still a few years in the future! There is AMPLE time to mend this hideous, psychotic cover-up engineered by a madman! So I give you the vital battle cry:

RESTORE EARTH TO THE INVASION TABLES AND INVADE!

I will drive it home in the very best way I know. Read this and it will lift your heart, Voltarian, with a THRILL!

ODE TO EARTH

O Earth, O Earth, you luscious globe, You beckoning, wine-fat treasure-trove, You whet our hunger as you spin And lure us with your wealth to win. You saved my life with your PR. I triumph now without a scar! Your spy techniques are quite sublime And can be used to undermine. And who could think but to extol Your psych and psych for mind control. Who would refuse to cut their fug If offered some divine Earth drug? Who can deny that men will drool For just one shot of good white mule? And no musician would heed sneers If he had Punk Rock to drown their ears. And who, pray tell, would show aversion To lovely butt and mouth perversion? And Earth, you number in your riches Sex that converts girls to (bleepches). Did I say sex? Oh, you excel! Sex is the thing you do so well! Never has such concentration Been levelled at self-gratification! Nowhere else in the universe Did anyone dream that sex came first! We thank the Gods that you are weak And believe so well when your leaders speak. We praise to the Lords your internal squabbles. We'll just step in and grab your baubles! It is so nice you can't unite, For you won't offer any fight. We are so thankful for your schisms Brought on by all your social ISMS. For all your wealth, you stand around And eat suppression, finely ground. Your leaders lead you to the slaughter. You're as easy to rape as a poor man's daughter! So we'll throw you on your back And insert us in your crack And rape and gut until you squirm And fill you full with our bullet sperm! And when your dead carpet the streets, We'll roll right in with Rocking Beats And loot you of your luscious hoard Of the wisdom and lust that I've adored. We'll suck you dry! Our thirst you'll quench With the dripping blood of every wench! And when you are then but a husk, To me, you'll smell like lovely musk. And to Voltar as slaves we'll bring Every virgin for a fling And have here in our native land All the things that made you grand! Until this happens, I will rave And beg and plead until you, slave, Are captured there and put in chains To let us pick your luscious brains. And then at length establish here Your culture as a proud veneer Upon our peoples far and wide So that their semen runs like tide Up into your legs spread wide! For with your culture, we will nurse A whole enticing universe, And from your womb, tomorrow springs As you lie weeping with slashed-off wings. So cower there, O Earth, we come! And we will beat the funeral drum For bodies slaughtered on your plain That died in agony and pain. Don't plead, O Earth, for mercy now! Your time has come and this I vow: Each thing you know we will suck up And toast your death with blood in cup! Surrender? No, it is too late. Just weep while soldiers fornicate Upon your grave up there so high, So soon to be our Voltar sky. But, cheer up, Earth! When soul has flown It will in Voltar find its home. Your wisdom wise like graveyard flowers Will come to us and will be ours! So, Earth, just bare to us your breast And let us suckle you in death!

VOLTAR! SEEK NOT MORE OF MY PERSUASION! LAUNCH ON TIME THE EARTH INVASION!

THE (TRIUMPHANT) END!

(To be published immediately after The Triumphant End)

LETTER FROM MONTE PENNWELL TO HIS PUBLISHERS

TO: BIOGRAPHICS PUBLISHING

COMPANY COMMERCIAL CITY PLANET VOLTAR

GENTLEMEN (though I am certain there is not one in the shop!): I have just received back for author's approval the edited copy of my book.

I AM OUTRAGED!

I am so angry, I have never been so angry! I hardly know how to start screaming at you! You have changed the name of every single Lord in the book! I demand you use the real ones I used! You ink-spattering dabblers and meddlers! You have changed the U.S. Army name that Jettero Heller used on Earth. It wasn't Wister! I gave the REAL name! And if this were not effrontery enough, YOU HAVE CHANGED MY NAME AS AUTHOR! "Monte Pennwell," indeed! THAT IS NOT MY NAME! My family name is one of the most honorable and respected names in the whole Confederacy and I INSIST THAT YOU USE IT! It is a wonder to me you didn't change the names of New York and Turkey!

THIS IS VILLAINOUS!

I WILL HAVE YOUR HEADS!

YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT!

I know my rights! If you DARE to dicker around with me, I will take you RIGHT TO COURT and sue you for a BILLION CREDITS! This book deals with corruption in government. I don't care if it attacks the leaders of the state! YOU IDIOTS! That's why I'm writing it! There has been a MONSTROUS COVER-UP! This book is intended to EXPLODE it into view! The people of Voltar are being VICTIMIZED! They are being denied possession of a planet RICH IN WISDOM! They are being misled and manipulated by an archvillain WHO IS INSANE! I must get the word to them so they – can RISE AS ONE MAN and SCREAM THEIR FURY at this DECEPTION! Earth is right there aching to be TORN TO PIECES! We could FEAST upon it! You LACKEYS! You MINIONS of a VILE and CORRUPT MADMAN!

HOW DARE YOU LABEL THIS AS A WORK OF FICTION!

How dare you insert an introduction that REFUTES EVERYTHING! How dare you infer that I am simply an IMAGINATIVE WRITER? Oh, let me tell you, you're in REAL TROUBLE! I have PROOFS! I have hundreds of pounds of COURT RECORDS! I have a WHOLE FORTRESS FULL OF DOCUMENTS! I have all my notes and copies of the logs and records on Manco. I have my recordings of all interviews! I even have the Gris strips of every move Heller ever made! I am armed like an Army with FACTS! They won't dare touch me! I am shouting out the spirit of a great crusade! Invade Earth at ALL COSTS! We cannot afford NOT TO! For an instant, I will throttle my rage and demean myself by trying to appeal to your reason even though it is quite obvious you have none! You must not let yourselves be browbeaten by the VILE Duke of Manco into foregoing the HUGE benefits of invading Earth. Look what that planet has done for me already! It has made me into a MAN! As soon as this book is published, I will haunt the house of Har and do my Earth thing with him until I get completely well! I have been assured by a great Earth authority and psychiatrist that it will handle all my family problems. AND I MUST HANDLE THEM! THEY ARE UNBEARABLE! They are plaguing me about jobs and even proposing the UNTHINKABLE: that I marry that AWFUL Lady Corsa in that AWFUL rustic Modon. I am going completely MAD! This book must be a roaring success! DO NOT MEDDLE WITH IT! My very soul, nay, even my SANITY depends upon it utterly! You are going to ABIDE by your contract. You are going to PUBLISH THIS BOOK!