The reader should know that there is no reason to go any further in the text than this page.

The Crown has been most lenient in allowing the publication of this fallacious sensationalism. In fact, the appearance of this work in print has clearly proven beyond the shadow of a doubt the Crown's confidence that the reading public will spurn this balderdash and turn instead to solid fact.

In allowing the release of this deluded fantasy, the Crown also hopes that the failure of this book will prove to the writer and any who might be interested that there is no market for such capricious phantasms and that one should seek more realistic pursuits.

There are 110 planets in our great Confederacy and more yet to conquer. There is no limit to the number of meaningful topics upon which one could expound, and every single one of them would be more worthwhile and accurate than this utter, lying nonsense about the existence of this so-called planet "Earth."

There is no "Earth," or "Blito-P3," as it is supposed to be designated on our astrographic charts. There is simply no such place.

Therefore, the reader need go no further.

There is absolutely nothing here of substance. The entire book consists of nothing but fiction about a race of so-called Earthlings.

Fortunately, there are no "Earthlings," as they would be the only ones naive enough to read this.

Therefore, you need not turn the page.

Lord Invay

Royal Historian

Chairman, Board of Censors

Royal Palace

Voltar Confederacy

By Order of

His Imperial Majesty

Wully the Wise

You turned the page!

Thank goodness!!

I got worried there for a moment, from the way Lord Invay was carrying on.

Let me introduce myself: I am your dutiful translator, 54 Charlee Nine, the Robotbrain in the Translatophone, at your service.

I'm the one who shifted all of this from Voltarian into your language. How would you feel if you busted your bytes on a book only to find that your work is about to be wasted by a guy who says "Don't turn the page"?

I don't hold anything against Lord Invay. He can get a little pedantic, but who wouldn't with a job like censoring? My circuits would start to smoke if I had to pretend that something that is, wasn't.

In any case, you made it. Congratulations.

Hi there!

Let me get down to prefacing this thing before you change your mind.

What you've got here is the confession of one Soltan Gris, who dictated this manuscript into a vocodictoscriber while in the Royal Prison in Government City. He is relating the story of a trip he made to the planet Earth. He was sent there to sabotage the mission of Royal Officer Jettero Heller, who had been sent to halt the pollution of the planet so the place could be safely invaded later.

The problem is that I can't find this planet on any charts, and we do keep good astro-records. Between the scouting parties and the probes over the last 125,000 years, we've gotten it pretty well mapped for a few billion light-years out, and there's nothing in the data banks on this place Earth.

According to Gris, I'm a little over twenty-two light-years from your planet (even though you don't exist), which makes us neighbors, actually.

Meanwhile, you've probably been told you're alone in the universe. That's sort of sad. Here we've got this great big playground and you've been told there's no one else around to play with.

Well, it's not true.

That idea comes from those "scientists" you've got on Earth who have the vision of a dung beetle.

They say they're trying to figure out the origin of the universe, which is supposed to impress everyone at a cocktail party. ("What do you do?" "I'm figuring out the origin of the universe." "Gee.")

They do this by listening with their billions and billions of little dishes and looking with their billions and billions of little telescopes. Then they write out billions and billions of little equations in billions and billions of little papers so they can get their big government grants of billions and billions of dollars and start all over again.

They say if they can just figure out where the universe came from they can understand where Life came from-meaning YOU. In other words, just because they're lost, they assume everyone else is too. Hmmm.

I don't mean to sound too user-friendly, but let me offer something users can use.

The question "Where did I come from?" seems very natural. It seems to be like asking where rain comes from. That's fine for rain but not for you, because you didn't come from anywhere. That's a wrong road. Anywhere and anything comes from you.

Chew on that for a while.

Meanwhile, if you want to see where that other road ends, follow Soltan Gris.

As usual, I've dutifully called up a Key to this volume and it follows immediately.

Thanks for turning that page!

Nice meeting you too!

Sincerely,

54 Charlee Nine

Robotbrain in the Translatophone

Activator-receiver-SeeBugging Gear.

Afyon-City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret mountain base.

Ahmed-Taxidriver for Soltan Gris in Afyon.

Ambo-SeeDingaling, Chase and Ambo.

Antimanco-A race exiled long ago from the planet Manco for ritual murders.

Apparatus, Coordinated Information-Thesecret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals.

Assassin Pilots-Spacepilots whose job it is to kill any Apparatus personnel who try to flee a battle.

Atalanta-Homeprovince of Jettero Hellerand the Countess Krak on the planet Manco.

Babe Corleone-The six-foot-six widowed leader of the Corleone mob who "adopted" Jettero Heller into her Mafia "family."

Balmor-Butler to Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak in their New York condominium.

Bang-Bang Rimbombo-An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of Babe Corleone's mob. He also attends Jettero Heller's college Army ROTC classes at EmpireUniversity.

Barben, I. G.-Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John Rockecenter.

Bildirjin, Nurse-Teenage Turkish girl who helps Prahd Bittlestiffender.

Bittlestiffender, Prahd-Voltarian cellologist that Sol tan Gris brought to Earth to operate a hospital in Afyon. Prahd was the one who implanted Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Crobe. (See Bugging Gear and Cellology.)

Bitts-Captain of the yacht Golden Sunset.

Blito-P3-Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as Earth. It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito.

Blixo-Apparatus freighter, piloted by Captain Bolz, that makes regular runs between Earth and Voltar. The voyage takes about six weeks each way.

Blueflash-A bright blue flash of light used to produce unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.

Bolz-Captain of the freighter Blixo.

Bugging Gear-Soltan Gris had Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Crobe implanted with audio and optical bugs that transmit everything they see or hear to an activator-receiver that Gris carries. With this, he can eavesdrop on them without their knowledge. When they are more than two hundred miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is used to boost the signal to a range of ten thousand miles.