Okay, well, one mention of underwear. You guys don’t mind, do you? I mean, it’s just underwear .)

Where was I? Oh yeah. Mark. So cute, in spite of the Star Trek Next Generation marathons he makes you watch, Holl. So responsible, with the whole doctor-and-health-column thing. Which reminds me, I need to ask him about this mole on my elbow. God, Holly’s so lucky, she can get her moles checked for free anytime she wants. Why can’t I find a boyfriend with a useful skill like that? All Malcolm can do is beat me at Vice City. And what good is that? Can a high score on Vice City save you from a life threatening carcinoma? No.

Okay, now I totally can’t give this to Holly and Mark.What is wrong with me ?

Cell Phone Guy just hung up on whoever it was he was talking to. I just heard him go, “That is inexcusable,” but that was all I could get because they’ve got CNN turned up so loud in here. Now he’s got out his Blackberry. He’s typing into it furiously. I will never be able to type that fast into mine.

But maybe that’s a good thing. Cell Phone Guy is a classic example of a Type A personality, as illustrated in last month’s Shape. I can practically SEE his blood pressure going up. I hope he doesn’t stroke out on the plane.

Although I wouldn’t mind giving him CPR.

Oh my God, I can’t believe I just wrote that.

But he is kind of cute. I mean, if you like the tall, rugged, sandy-haired, razor-stubbled-with-piercingblue-eyes-who-knows-how-to-use-a-Blackberry type.

Okay. Now I definitely won’t be able to give this to Holly and Mark as a wedding present.

Oh, wait, I can just rip out the pages with Cell Phone Guy comments. Or black them out with a Sharpie.

Or maybe I should just get Holly and Mark a nice silver frame from Tiffany’s instead. But that seems like kind of a lame present to get for someone who has held your hair back while you were throwing up tequila shooters as many times as Holly has for me.

Although of course I’ve done it for her often enough, most recently Friday night when the entire art department took her out for a bachelorette party. For two people who are supposed to be eloping, Mark and Holly told an AWFUL lot of people beforehand.

!!!! On CNN it says a plane is being held at the San Francisco airport under suspicion that a passenger aboard it has a highly contagious virus that they’re worried will spread worldwide!!!!

You know what this means:

I need more snacks for the plane.

Seriously, those people have been on board that plane for TWO HOURS with no food service. If I go two hours without eating, I get that weird thing where I can’t see out of one eye. And Toblerone won’t do it. I need something with protein. Like smoked almonds. And maybe some cheese popcorn. Which I bet they don’t even have in Italy. I better go back to the duty free and stock up, just in case….

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To: Tara Samuels

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Travel Services

Where is everybody? I’ve been calling for the past half hour, and nobody there is picking up. Does Travel get half days on Fridays through September, or something, while the rest of us slobs have to give them up on Labor Day?

I asked you guys to book this ticket a month ago, but I’m at the airport now and they claim I’m in coach, not business class.

In a middle seat . For as even-hour flight .

Freaking Frodo wouldn’t last for six hours in a seat that small. How is a six-foot-four, two-hundred-pound man supposed to do it?

Someone had better pull some strings or you’re going to have one very unhappy journalist on your hands.

C. Langdon

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To: Dolly Vargas

Fr: Cal Langdon

Re: Last night

Thanks for last night. However, I think moving in together might be a little precipitous. And I don’t think your husband would really appreciate it.

Let’s just keep things casual for now, and see how things go. Okay? I’m off to some podunk part of Italy no one’s ever heard of because Levine has some idiot idea he’s going to get married there, but I’ll be in touch when I get back in a week.

C.

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Tara Samuels

Re: Travel Services

I’m SO sorry, Mr. Langdon, we were in a budget meeting, which is why no one picked up. I’ve been calling the airline ever since I got back, and they’re booked solid. I could get you in business class on another flight… but not until tomorrow. Would that be all right?

Again, I’m so sorry about the misunderstanding. I can’t imagine how you ended up in coach. We ALWAYS book you in business class, as you know. Except of course when the plane you’re taking is so small, there isn’t a business class. Which isn’t the case here. I can’t apologize enough, really. Could we upgrade you to a suite when you get to your hotel?

Tara

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To: Cal Langdon

Fr: Dolly Vargas

Re: Last night

There you are! I’ve only left ten messages on your cell phone. How COULD you have snuck out like that this morning, without even leaving a note?

And Peter and I aren’t married , sweetie. We have an understanding—the same one you and I have.

And of course I wasn’t asking you to move in permanently. Just offering you the spare guest room until you find a place of your own. I know how brutal the New York real-estate market can be.

Not that you’ll have any problems, the way sales are going for Sweeping Sands . In fact, the penthouse across from mine just went up for sale, a steal at two million. Interested? I could speak to the co-op board on your behalf….

In any case, darling, call me when you get back from Mark’s little elopement.

XXXOOO

Dolly

Travel Diary of Holly Caputo and Mark Levine

Jane Harris

OK, I asked Cell Phone Guy to watch my stuff for a minute while I ran to buy snacks, and he was TOTALLY rude about it. He said, in this very snarky way, “I highly doubt anyone is going to steal your water , miss.”

!!!!!

Which wasn’t even what I was asking him to watch. My water, I mean. Clearly, I meant my BAG. I mean, the last thing I need is for the airport to blow up my stuff because I left it unattended.

Whatever. It’s just like Malcolm says. Some people just suck, and there’s nothing you can do about it. I should have known Cell Phone Guy was one of them. Especially the way he keeps banging at the keyboard of that Blackberry. He’s still at it. How can someone so anal retentive look so good in a pair of jeans? I don’t get it. I mean, evolutionarily speaking, his kind should have been wiped out a long time ago. Because who’d want to mate with someone with THAT kind of attitude?

OOOOOOH, I see Holly!!!! Holly and Mark are here, at last! YAY!

I wonder where Mark’s friend Cal is. The best man, I mean. We were all supposed to meet at the gate….

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