‘I thought that the front page was not the place,’ said the Lecturer in RecentRunes. ‘It quite put me off my breakfast. Metaphorically speaking, of course.’

‘Apparently, the urn has been in the museum’s cellars for at least threehundred years, but for some reason it makes its presence felt now,’ saidRidcully. ‘Of course, they have tons of stuff in there that’s never really beenlooked at properly and the city was going through a prudish period then anddidn’t care to know about that sort of thing.’

‘What, that men have tonkers?’ said Dr Hix. ‘That sort of news gets out sooneror later.’

He looked around at the disapproving faces and added, ‘Skull ring, remember?Under college statute the head of the Department of Post-Mortem Communicationsis entitled, nay, required to make tasteless, divisive and moderately evilremarks. I’m sorry, but these are your rules.’

‘Thank you, Doctor Hix. Your uncalled-for remarks are duly noted andappreciated.’

‘You know, it seems very suspicious to me that this wretched urn has turned upat just this time,’ observed the Senior Wrangler, ‘and I hope I am not alone inthis?’

‘I know what you mean,’ said Hix. ‘If I didn’t know that the Archchancellor hadhis work cut out to persuade Vetinari to let us play, I would think that thiswas some sort of plan.’

‘Ye-ess,’ said Ridcully thoughtfully.

‘The old rules look a lot more interesting, sir,’ said Ponder.

‘Ye-ess.’

‘Did you read the bit that said players were not allowed to use their hands,sir? And the high priest takes to the field of play to ensure that the rulesare honoured?’

‘I can’t see that catching on these days,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

‘He’s armed with a poisoned dagger, sir,’ said Ponder.

‘Ah? Well, that should make for a more interesting game, at least, eh,Mustrum?… Mustrum?’

‘What? Oh, yes. Yes. Something to think about, indeed. Yes, indeed. One man, incharge… The onlooker who sees most of the game… the gamer, in fact… So whatmove have I missed?’

‘Sorry, Archchancellor?’

Ridcully blinked at Ponder Stibbons. ‘What? Oh, just composing my thoughts, asone does.’ He sat up straight. ‘In any case the rules don’t concern us at thispoint. We have to play this game in any eventuality and so we will abide bythem in the best traditions of sportsmanship until we have worked out wherethey may be most usefully broken to our advantage. Mister Stibbons, you arecollating our studies of the game. The floor is yours.’

‘Thank you, Archchancellor.’ Ponder cleared his throat. ‘Gentlemen, the game offootball is clearly about more than the rules and the nature of the play. Inany case, these are pure mechanical considerations; the chanting and, ofcourse, the food are of more concern to us, I feel. They seem to be an integralpart of the game. Regrettably, so do the supporters’ clubs.’

‘What is the nature of this problem?’ Ridcully enquired.

‘They hit one another over the head with them. It would be true to say thatbrawling and mindless violence, such as occurred yesterday afternoon, is one ofthe cornerstones of the sport.’

‘A far cry from its ancient beginnings, then,’ said the Chair of IndefiniteStudies, shaking his head.

‘Well, yes. I understand that in those days the losing team was throttled.However, I suppose this would be called mindful violence that took place withthe enthusiastic consent of the entire community, or at least that part of itthat was still capable of breath. Fortunately, we do not yet have supporters,so that this is not at present our problem, and I propose we go directly to thepies.’

There was a chorus of general agreement from the wizards. Food was their cup oftea, and if possible slice of cake too. Some of them were already watching thedoor in anticipation of the tea trolley. It seemed like an age since nine.

‘Central to the game is the pie,’ Ponder went on, ‘which is generally ofshortcrust pastry containing appropriate pie-like substances. I collected halfa dozen and tested them on the usual subjects.’

‘The students?’ said Ridcully.

‘Yes. They said they were pretty awful. Not a patch on the pies here, theysaid. They finished them off, however. Examination of the ingredients suggeststhat they consisted of gravy, fat and salt, and insofar as it was possible totell, none of the students appears to have died… ’

‘So we are ahead on pies, then,’ said Ridcully cheerfully.

‘I suppose so, Archchancellor, although I do not believe that the pie qualityplays any role—’ He stopped, because the door had swung open to allow theingress of a reinforced, heavy-duty tea trolley. Since it was not beingpropelled by Her, the wizards paid no further attention and settled down to thepassing of cups, the handing round of the sugar bowl, the inspection of thequality of the chocolate biscuits with a view to taking more than one’sentitlement and all the other little diversions without which a committee wouldbe a clever device for making worthwhile decisions quickly.

When the rattling had ceased, and the last biscuit had been fought for,Ridcully tinkled his teaspoon on the rim of his cup for silence, although sincehe was Ridcully this only added the crash of broken crockery to the hubbub.Once the girl in charge of the trolley had sponged everybody down, hecontinued: ‘The chanting, gentlemen, appears to be another inconsequentialityat first sight, but I have reason to believe that it has a certain power, andwe will ignore it at our peril. I see the museum’s translators say the modernchants were originally hymns to the goddess calling on her to grant her favoursto the team of choice, while naiads danced on the edges of the field of play,the better to encourage the players to greater feats of prowess.’

‘Naiads?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘They’re water nymphs, aren’tthey? Young women with very thin damp clothing? Why would anyone want themaround? Besides, didn’t they drown sailors by singing to them?’

Ridcully let the thoughtful pause hang in the air for a while beforevolunteering: ‘Fortunately, I don’t think anyone these days would expect thatwe play football underwater.’

‘The pies would float,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

‘Not necessarily,’ said Ponder.

‘What about clothing, Mister Stibbons? I assume there will be some?’

‘Temperatures were somewhat warmer in olden days. I can assure you that no onewill insist on nudity.’

Ponder might have noticed the rattle as the girl with the tea trolley almostdropped a cup, but was gracious enough not to notice that he had noticed. Hewent on. ‘Currently the teams wear old shirts and short trousers.’

‘How short?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, urgency in his voice.

‘About mid-knee, I believe,’ said Ponder. ‘Is this likely to be a problem?’

‘Yes, it is. The knees should be covered. It is a well-known fact that aglimpse of the male knee can drive women into a frenzy of libidinousness.’There was another rattle from the tea trolley, but Ponder ignored it becausehis own head had rattled a bit, too.

‘Are you sure about that, sir?’

‘It is established fact, young Stibbons.’

Ponder had found a grey hair on his comb that morning and was not in the moodto take this standing up.

‘And precisely in what books does—’ he began, but Ridcully interrupted withunusual diplomacy. Generally he liked little tiffs among the faculty.

‘A few more inches to prevent mobbing by the ladies should present us with noproblems, surely, Mister Stibbons? Oops… ’

This last was to Glenda, who had dropped two spoons on the carpet. She gave hima cursory curtsy.

‘Er, yes… and we should sport the university colours,’ he went on, with a hintof nervousness. Ridcully prided himself on treating the staff well, and indeeddid so whenever he remembered them, but the expression of intelligent amusementon the face of the dumpy girl had unnerved him; it was as if a chicken hadwinked.