‘You know a lot about our city for a dwarf from Uberwald, I must say.’

‘No, love, I know a lot about Uberwald for a boy from Lobbin Clout,’ said Pepesmoothly. ‘Old Cheese Alley, to be precise. Local lad, me. Wasn’t always adwarf, you know. I just joined.’

‘What? Can you do that?’

‘Well, it’s not like they advertised. But yeah, if you know the right people.And Madame knew the right people, ha, knew quite a lot about the right people.It wasn’t hard. I’ve got to believe in a few things, there’s a few observances,and of course I have to keep off the old booze—’ He smiled as her glance pinnedthe glass in his hand, and went on: ‘Too quick, love, I was going to add “whenI’m working”, and good job too. It doesn’t matter if you are shoring up themine roof or riveting a bodice, being a piss artist is bloody stupid. And themoral of all this is, you have to grab life or drop back into the crab bucket.’

‘Oh yes, that’s all very well to say,’ Glenda snapped, wondering what crabs hadgot to do with anything. ‘But in real life people have responsibilities. Wedon’t have shiny jobs with lots of money, but they are real jobs doing thingsthat people need! I’d be ashamed of myself, selling boots at four hundreddollars a go, which only rich people can afford. What’s the point of that?’

‘Well, you must admit that it makes rich people less rich,’ said the chocolatevoice of Madame behind her. Like many large people, she could move as quietlyas the balloon she resembled. ‘That’s a good start, isn’t it? And it goes towages for the miners and the smiths. It all goes around, they tell me.’

She sat down heavily on a packing case, glass in hand. ‘Well, we’ve got most ofthem out now,’ she said, fumbling in her capacious breastplate with her sparehand and pulling out a thick wad of paper.

‘The big names want to be in on this and everyone wants it exclusively andwe’re going to need another forge. Tomorrow I’ll go and see the bank.’ Shepaused to dip into her metal bodice again. ‘As a dwarf I was raised in thefaith that gold is the one true currency,’ she said, counting out some crispnotes, ‘but I have to admit this stuff is a lot warmer. That’s fifty dollarsfor Juliet, twenty-five from me and twenty-five from the champagne, which isfeeling happy. Juliet said to give it to you to look after.’

‘Miss Glenda thinks that we’ll lead her treasure into a lifetime of worthlesssin and depravity,’ said Pepe.

‘Well, that’s a thought,’ said Madame, ‘but I can’t remember when I last hadsome depravity.’

‘Tuesday,’ said Pepe.

‘A whole box of chocolates is not depraved. Besides, you slid out the cardbetween the layers, which confused me. I did not intend to eat the bottomlayer. I did not want the bottom layer. It was practically assault.’

Pepe coughed. ‘We’re scaring the normal lady, love.’

Madame smiled. ‘Glenda, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking we’re acouple of louche evil clowns who booze away in a world of smoke and mirrors.Well, that’s fairly accurate right now, but today was the end of a year’s hardwork, you see.’

And you bicker like an old married couple, Glenda thought. Her head was aching.She’d tried a rat fruit, that was the trouble, she was sure of it.

‘In the morning I’m going to show these orders to the manager of the Royal Bankand ask him for a lot of money. If he trusts us, can you? We need Juliet. Shejust… sparkles.’

And you two are holding hands. Tightly. Something soft snapped inside Glenda.

‘All right, look,’ she said. ‘It’s like this. Jools is going to come back homewith me tonight, to get her head straight. Tomorrow… well, we’ll see.’

‘We can’t ask for more than that. Can we?’ said Madame, patting Glenda on theknee. ‘You know, Juliet thinks the world of you. She said she’d need you to sayyes. She was telling all the society ladies about your pies.’

‘She’s been talking to society ladies?’ said Glenda in astonishment laced withtrepidation and tinted with wonder.

‘Certainly. They all wanted a close look at the micromail, and she just chattedaway, cheery as you like. I don’t think anyone ever said “Wotcher!” to them intheir lives before.’

‘Oh no! I’m sorry!’

‘Why be? They were rather taken by it. And apparently you can bake pickledonions into a pie so that they stay crunchy?’

‘She told them that?’

‘Oh, yes. I gather that they all intend to get their cooks to try it out.’

‘Hah. They’ll never find the way!’ said Glenda with satisfaction.

‘So Jools says.’

‘We… generally call her Juliet,’ said Glenda.

‘She told us to call her Jools,’ said Madame. ‘Is there a problem?’

‘Well, er, not really a problem,’ Glenda began wretchedly.

‘That’s good, then,’ said Madame, who clearly knew when not to noticesubtleties. ‘Now let’s prise her away from her new friends, and you can see toit that she gets a good night’s sleep.’

There was laughter, and the girls helping with the show streamed out into theclammy place that was the midwife to beauty. Juliet was among them, and withthe loudest laugh. She broke away when she saw Glenda and gave her another hug.‘Oh, Glendy, isn’t this great? It’s like a fairy story!’

‘Yes, well, it might be,’ said Glenda, ‘but they don’t all have happy endings.Just you remember you have a good job now, with prospects and regular leftoversto take home. That’s not to be lightly thrown away.’

‘No, it should be hurled with great force,’ said Pepe. ‘I mean, what is this?Emberella? The wand has been waved, the court is cheering, a score of handsomeprinces are waiting to sign up for just a sniff of her slipper, and you wanther to go back to work making pumpkins?’

He looked at their blank faces. ‘All right, perhaps that came out a littleconfused, but surely you can follow the seam? This is a big chance! As big asit gets. A way out of the bucket!’

‘I think we’ll go home now,’ said Glenda primly. ‘Come along, Jools.’

‘See,’ said Pepe, when they had gone, ‘it’s a crab bucket.’

Madame peered into a bottle to see if, against all probability, one glassfulyet remained. ‘Did you know she more or less raised the kid? Jools will do whatshe says.’

‘What a waste,’ said Pepe. ‘Don’t take the world by storm, stay here and makepies? You think that’s a life?’

‘Someone has to make pies,’ Madame said, with an infuriating calmreasonableness.

‘Oh, pur-lease! Not her. Let it not be her. And for leftovers? Oh no!’

Madame picked up another empty bottle. She knew it was empty because it was inthe vicinity of Pepe at the end of a long day, but she examined it anywaybecause thirst springs eternal.

‘Hmm. It might not come to that,’ she said. ‘I have a feeling that Miss Glendais just about to start thinking. There’s a powerful mind behind that rather sadcloak and those awful shoes. Today might be its lucky day.’

Ridcully strode through the corridors of Unseen University with his robesflapping confidently behind him. He had a big stride and Ponder had to run in asemi-crabwise fashion to keep up with him, his clipboard clutched protectivelyto his chest. ‘You know we did agree that it wasn’t to be used for purposesother than pure research, Archchancellor. You actually signed the edict.’

‘Did I? I don’t remember that, Stibbons.’

‘I remember it most distinctly, sir. It was just after the case of MisterFloribunda.’

‘Which one was he?’ said Ridcully, still striding purposefully ahead.

‘He was the one who felt a little peckish and asked the Cabinet for a baconsandwich to see what would happen.’

‘I thought that anything taken out of the Cabinet had to be returned in 14.14hours recurring?’

‘Yes, sir. That is the case, but the Cabinet appears to have strange rules thatwe do not fully understand. In any case, Mister Floribunda’s defence was thathe thought the fourteen-hour rule didn’t apply to bacon sandwiches. Nor did hetell anybody and so the students on his floor were only alerted when they heardthe screams some fourteen hours later.’