Ridcully cleared his throat. ‘Thank you for your input, Stibbons. We shalldiscuss this matter further. Definitely something that needed to be said. Thesearen’t the old days, after all.’

‘Your point is taken,’ said Henry, ‘except that, technically, these are goingto be somebody else’s old days.’

Ponder’s chest was still going up and down.

‘A very good point,’ said Ridcully.

‘I believe I heard mention of a curry?’ said Henry, with equal care. It waslike listening to two ancient dragons talking to each other with the help of aneven older book of etiquette written by nuns.

‘It’s a long time until lunch[15]. I tell you what, why don’t you accept the hospitality of myuniversity? I believe we have left your room exactly as it was, although Iunderstand some quite amazing things have crawled out under the door. Andperhaps you might like to stay on for tomorrow’s banquet?’

‘Oh? Are you having a banquet?’ said Henry.

‘Indeed so, and I would be delighted if you would accept, old boy. We’ll beentertaining some of the solid citizenry. Salt-of-the-earth fellows, youunderstand. Wonderful people if you don’t watch them eat, but quite goodconversationalists if you give them enough beer.’

‘Funnily enough, I find that works with wizards too. Well, I must accept, ofcourse. I haven’t been to a banquet in ages.’

‘You haven’t?’ said Ridcully. ‘I thought you would have a banquet every night.’

‘We have a limited budget, you know,’ said the Archchancellor of Brazeneck.‘It’s a governmental grant thing, you see.’

The wizards fell silent. It was as if a man had just told you his mother haddied.

Ridcully patted him on the hand. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry.’ He paused at the doors ofthe Hall and turned back to Ponder. ‘We will be having some high-leveldiscussions, Stibbons. Keep them on their toes! The lads will help! Find outwhat football wants to be!’

The older members of the faculty exhaled as the two heads left. Most of themwere old enough to recall at least two pitched battles among factions ofwizards, the worst of which had only been brought to a conclusion by Rincewind,wielding a half-brick in a sock…

Ponder looked across at Rincewind now, and he was hopping awkwardly on one leg,trying to put a sock back on. He thought it better not to comment. It wasprobably the same sock.

The Chair of Indefinite Studies slapped Ponder on the back. ‘Well done, lad.Could have been a nasty incident there.’

‘Thank you, sir.’

‘I’m sorry we seem to have loaded you down a bit. I’m sure it wasn’tdeliberate.’

‘I’m sure it wasn’t, too, sir. Very little around here is.’ Ponder sighed. ‘I’mafraid that unthinking delegation and prevarication and procrastination arestandard practice here.’ He looked expectantly at the remaining members of theCouncil. He wanted to be disappointed, but knew he wouldn’t be.

‘A very bad state of affairs indeed,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

The Chair looked grave. ‘Hm… ’

So go on, thought Ponder, say it. I know you’re going to, you just won’t beable to stop yourself, you really won’t—

‘I think, Stibbons, that you should sort it out when you have a moment,’ saidthe Chair.

‘Bingo!’

‘I beg your pardon, Stibbons?’

‘Oh, nothing, sir, not really. I was just pondering, as it were, on theunchangeable nature of the universe.’

‘I’m glad somebody is. Keep it up.’ The Lecturer in Recent Runes looked aroundand added, ‘It all seems to have quietened down. That curry sounds amusing.’

There was a general movement towards the doors on the part of those wizards whowere well endowed with years, gravitation or both, but the scratch match wenton among those less magnetically attracted to knives and forks.

Ponder sat down, his clipboard balanced on his lap. ‘I don’t have the faintestidea what I’m doing here,’ he declared to the world around him.

‘May I be of some worth, sir?’

‘Mister Nutt? Oh, well, it’s very kind of you, but I don’t think that yourskill with a candle can be of much—’

‘In games of this nature there are three classes of things to be considered:one, the rules of the game in all their detail; two the correct skills, actionsand philosophies required for success, and three, an understanding of the realnature of the game. May I continue?’

‘Huh,’ said Ponder, in that slight daze that overcame everyone hearing a Nuttlecture for the first time.

‘Got a fine jaw on him, ain’t he?’ said Trev. ‘He can say the long words wherethe likes of you an’ me would ’ave to stop for a rest ’alfway through! Me,anyway,’ he trailed off.

‘Er, do continue, Mister Nutt.’

‘Thank you, sir. As I understand it, the purpose of this game is to score atleast one more goal than your opponents. But our two teams just ran around,with everyone trying to kick the ball at once. Oh, goals were scored, but onlyopportunistically. As in chess, you must secure the king, your goal. Yes, youare going to say that you have the custodian of the goal, but he is only oneman, figuratively speaking. Every ball he saves shames the team members who letthe opponents get so close. Yet at the same time, they must maximize theirchances of getting the ball into the opposing goal. This is a problem I willhave to address. I have mentioned chess, but this game, and particularly theease with which the ball takes flight, means that the activity can go from oneend of the play to the other in seconds, just as one dwarf piece can upset thewhole board in a game of Thud.’

He smiled up at their expressions and added, ‘You know, this game is surely oneof the simplest. Any little boy knows how to play it… and yet playing itoptimally requires superhuman talents.’ He thought for a moment and added, ‘Orpossibly subhuman. Certainly the willing sublimation of the ego, which takes usinto the realms of the metaphysical. So simple and yet so complex. You know,this is wonderful. I am quite thrilled!’

The ring of silence around him was not ominous, but the air choked withbafflement. Finally, the wizard Rincewind said, ‘Er, Mister Nutt, I thought youtold us we just had to get the ball between the pointy hats?’

‘Professor Rincewind, you run very well, but you don’t do anything with it.Professor Macarona, you attempt to score as soon as you get the ballirrespective of anything else that is happening. Dr Hix, you cheat and foulconstantly—’

‘Excuse me, skull ring,’ Hix intervened. ‘I am required to attempt to break therules, under college statutes.’

‘Within acceptable limits,’ Ponder added quickly.

‘Bledlow Nobbs (no relation), you have a furiously powerful kick,’ Nuttcontinued, ‘but you don’t seem to care where the ball goes so long as it getsthere. All of you have strengths and weaknesses and it might be possible tomake use of both of them. That is, if you want to win. But for now, a goodexercise would be to get a lot more of these balls and learn how to controlthem. Running while kicking the ball ahead of you simply means that you willlose it to an opponent. You must learn to keep it at your feet. You were alllooking down to check that you had the ball. Gentlemen, if you need to checkthat you still have the ball, you either do not have it or you will lose it inthe next fraction of a second. Now, if you will excuse me, Mister Trev and Iwill get into trouble if we don’t get the chandelier back up soon.’

The spell broke.

‘What?’ said Ponder. ‘I mean, what? Stay there, Mister Nutt!’

Nutt immediately hunched and stared at his feet in their clumsy shoes. ‘I amsorry if I have transgressed in any way. I was only seeking worth.’

‘Worth?’ said Ponder, looking at Trev for some kind of map of this newterritory.

‘That’s how he talks, that’s all,’ said Trev. ‘He ’asn’t done anythin’ wrong,so why shout at him like that? They were some bloody good ideas! You shouldn’tpick on ’im just ’cos he’s small and talks posh.’