‘It would appear that a young woman has got in via the back gate by bribing theguards, sir. They accepted the bribes, as per your standing orders, and she hasbeen shown into the anteroom, which she will soon find is locked. She wishes tosee you because, she says, she has a complaint. She is a maid.’

Lord Vetinari looked over the top of the paper. ‘Tell her I can’t help her withthat. Perhaps, oh, I don’t know, a different perfume would help?’

‘I mean she is a member of the serving classes, sir. Her name is GlendaSugarbean.’

‘Tell her—’ Vetinari hesitated, and then smiled. ‘Ah, yes, Sugarbean. Did shebribe the guards with food? Something baked, perhaps?’

‘Well done, sir! A large Jammy Devil apiece. May I ask how—?’

‘She is a cook, Drumknott, not a maid. Show her in, by all means.’

The secretary looked a little resentful. ‘Are you sure this is wise, sir? Ihave already told the guards to throw the foodstuffs away.’

‘Food cooked by a Sugarbean? You may have committed a crime against high art,Drumknott. I shall see her now.’

‘I must point out that you have a full schedule this morning, my lord.’

‘Quite so. It is your job to point this out, and I respect that. But I did notreturn until half past four this morning and I distinctly remember stubbing mytoe on the stairs. I am as drunk as a skunk, Drumknott, which of course meansskunks are just as drunk as I. I must say the term is unfamiliar to me, and Ihad not thought hitherto of skunks in this context, but Mustrum Ridcully waskind enough to enlighten me. Allow me, then, a moment of indulgence.’

‘Well, you are the Patrician, sir,’ said Drumknott. ‘You can do as you please.’

‘That is kind of you to say so, but I did not, in fact, need reminding,’ saidVetinari, with what was almost certainly a smile.

When the severe thin man opened the door, it was too late to flee. When hesaid, ‘His lordship will see you now, Miss Sugarbean,’ it was too late tofaint. What had she been thinking of? Had she been thinking at all?

Glenda followed the man into the next room, which was oak panelled and sombreand the most uncluttered office she had ever seen. The room of the averagewizard was so stuffed with miscellaneous things that the walls were invisible.Here, even the desk was clear, apart from a pot of quill pens, an inkwell, anopen copy of the Ankh-Morpork Times and–her eye stayed fixed on this one,unable to draw itself away–a mug with the slogan ‘To the world’s GreatestBoss’. It was so out of place it might have been an intrusion from anotheruniverse.

A chair was quietly placed behind her. This was just as well, because when theman at the desk looked up she sat down abruptly.

Vetinari pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. ‘Miss… Sugarbean, there arewhole rooms in this palace full of people who want to see me, and they arepowerful and important people, or at least they think they are. Yet MisterDrumknott has kindly inserted in my schedule, ahead of the Postmaster Generaland the Mayor of Sto Lat, a meeting with a young cook with her coat on over herapron and an intent, it says here, of “having it out with me”. And this isbecause I take notice of incongruity, and you, Miss Sugarbean, are incongruous.What is it you want?’

‘Who says I want anything?’

‘Everyone wants something when they are in front of me, Miss Sugarbean, even ifit is only to be somewhere else.’

‘All right! You made all the captains drunk last night and got them to signthat letter in the paper!’

The stare did not flicker. That was much worse than, well, anything.

‘Young lady, drink levels all mankind. It is the ultimate democrat, if you likethat sort of thing. A drunk beggar is as drunk as a lord, and so is a lord. Andhave you ever noticed that all drunks can understand one another, no matter howdrunk they are and how different their native tongues? I take it for acertainty that you are a relation to Augusta Sugarbean?’ The question, taggedon to the praises of inebriation, hit her between the eyes, scattering herthoughts.

‘What? Oh. Well, yes. That’s right. She was my grandmother.’

‘And she was a cook at the Guild of Assassins when she was younger?’

‘That’s right. She always made a joke about how she wouldn’t let them use any—’She stopped quickly, but Vetinari finished the sentence for her.

‘—of her cakes to poison people. And we always obeyed, too, because as yousurely know, miss, no one likes to upset a good cook. Is she still with us?’

‘She passed on two years ago, sir.’

‘But since you are a Sugarbean, I assume you have acquired a few moregrandmothers as a replacement? Your grandmother was always a stalwart in thecommunity and you must take all those little dainties for someone?’

‘You can’t know that, you’re only guessing. But all right, they’re for all theold ladies that don’t get out much. Anyway, it’s a perk.’

‘Oh, but of course. Every job has its little perks. Why, I don’t expectDrumknott here has bought a paperclip in his life, eh, Drumknott?’

The secretary, tidying papers in the background, gave a wan little smile.

‘Look, I only take leftovers—’ Glenda began, but this was waved away.

‘You are here about the football,’ said Vetinari. ‘You were at the dinner lastnight, but the university likes its serving girls to be tall and I have an eyefor such things. Therefore, I assume you made it your business to be therewithout bothering your superiors. Why?’

‘You’re taking their football away from them!’

The Patrician steepled his fingers and rested his chin on them while he lookedat her.

He’s trying to make me nervous, she thought. It’s working, oh, it’s working.

Vetinari filled in the silence. ‘Your grandmother used to do people’s thinkingfor them. That trait runs in families, always on the female side. Capablewomen, scurrying about in a world where everyone else seems to be seven yearsold and keeps on falling over in the playground, picking them up and watchingthem run right out there again. I imagine you run the Night Kitchen? Too manypeople in the big one. You want spaces you can control, beyond the immediatereach of fools.’

If he’d added ‘Am I right?’ like some windbag seeking applause, she would havehated him. But he was reading her from the inside of her head, in a calm,matter-of-fact way. She had to suppress a shiver, because it was all true.

‘I’m taking nothing from anybody, Miss Sugarbean. I am simply changing theplayground,’ the man went on. ‘What skill is there in the mob pushing andshoving? It is nothing more than a way of bringing on a sweat. No, we must movewith the times. I know the Times moves with me. The captains will moan, nodoubt, but they are getting old. Dying in the game is a romantic idea when youare young, but when you are older the boot is in the other ear. They know this,even if they won’t admit it, and while they will protest, they will take carenot to be taken seriously. In fact, far from taking, I am giving much.Acceptance, recognition, a certain standing, a gold-ish cup and the chance tokeep what remains of their teeth.’

All she could manage after this was, ‘All right, but you tricked them!’

‘Really? They did not have to drink to excess, did they?’

‘You knew they would!’

‘No. I suspected they might. They could have been more cautious. They shouldhave been more cautious. I’d prefer to say that I led them along the correctpath with a little guile rather than drove them along it with sticks. I possessmany types of stick, Miss Sugarbean.’

‘And you’ve been spying on me! You knew about the dainties.’

‘Spying? Madam, it was once said of a great prince that his every thought wasof his people. Like him, I watch over my people. I am just better at it, that’sall. As for the dainties business, that was a simple deduction from the knownfacts of human nature.’