Pepe nodded, although she expected that both those concepts were quite alien tohim.

‘And paid,’ she added.

‘We’ll cut her in on the profits if she works exclusively for us,’ said Pepe.‘Madame wants to talk to you about that.’

‘Yes, someone might want to pay her more than you do,’ said Glenda.

‘My, my, my. How fast we learn. I’m sure Madame will have great fun talking toyou.’

Juliet looked from one to the other, sleep still wreathing her face. ‘You wantme to go back to the shop?’

‘I don’t want you to do anything,’ said Glenda. ‘It’s up to you, okay? It’sjust up to you, but it seems to me that if you stay here then basically whatyou’ll be doing is pies.’

‘Well, not just pies,’ said Juliet.

‘Well, no, fair enough, there are also flans, bubble and squeak and assortedlate-night dainties,’ said Glenda. ‘But you know what I mean. On the otherhand, you could go and show off all these fancy clothes and go to lots of fancyplaces a long, long way from here and see a lot of new people and you’d knowthat if it all goes pear-shaped you could always make it pie-shaped.’

‘Hah, nice one,’ said Pepe, who’d found another bottle.

‘I really would like to go,’ said Juliet.

‘Then go now. I mean right now, or at least as soon as he’s finished drinkingthe ketchup.’

‘But I’ll have to go back for my stuff!’

Glenda reached down inside her vest and pulled out a burgundy-coloured bookletwith the seal of Ankh-Morpork on it.

‘What’s that?’ said Juliet.

‘Your bank book. Your money’s safe in the bank and you can take it out any timeyou want.’

Juliet turned the bank book over and over in her hands. ‘I don’t fink anyone inmy family’s ever been in a bank except for Uncle Geoffrey and they caught upwith ’im even before he got home.’

‘Keep quiet about it. Don’t go home. Buy yourself lots of new stuff. Getyourself sorted out and then go back and see your dad and everybody when youhave. The point is, even if you don’t go right away, in your mind you shouldalways be going. But the important thing is to go right now. Move out. Get on.Climb up. All the things I should have done.’

‘What about Trev?’ said Juliet.

Glenda had to think about that. ‘How are things with you and Trev, then? I sawyou two talking last night.’

‘Talking is allowed,’ said Juliet defensively. ‘Anyhow, he was only telling mehow he was going to get himself a better job.’

‘Doing what?’ said Glenda. ‘I’ve never seen him doing a straight day’s work inall the years I’ve known him.’

‘He says he’s going to find something,’ said Juliet. ‘He said Nutt told ’im to.He said Nutt said that when Trev finds out who Trev is, like, he will, like,know what he can do. So I told ’im he was Trevor Likely, and he said that was,you know, helpful.’

I’m stuck, aren’t I? Glenda told herself. I’m talking about changing andgetting out, so I have to allow that maybe he’s going to, too. Aloud, she said,‘It’s up to you. It’s all up to you, but just mind that he keeps his hands tohimself.’

‘He always keeps his hands to himself,’ said Juliet. ‘It’s a bit worryin’. I’venever had to think about kneeing him in the tonker, not once.’

There was a strangled laugh from Pepe, who had just discovered the wow-wowsauce. The bottle was almost empty and, in theory, he should have no stomachleft.

‘Never, ever?’ said Glenda, mystified at this unnatural history.

‘No, he’s always very polite and just a bit sad.’

That must mean he’s planning something, Glenda’s inner self provided. She said,‘Well, it’s up to you. I can’t help here, but remember, you’ve always got yourknee.’

‘And what about… ?’ Juliet began.

‘Look,’ said Glenda firmly, ‘either you go off now and see the world and earnlots of money and get your picture in the papers and all of the other things Iknow you would really like to do, or you have to sort it out for yourself.’

‘We’re going to be here for some time,’ said Pepe. ‘You know, this sauce wouldbe nice with a little bit of vodka in it. It really would give it a little bitof zest. A little bit of sparkle. Come to think of it, a lot of vodka would beeven better.’

‘But I love ’im!’ Juliet wailed.

‘That’s all right, then, stay here,’ said Glenda. ‘Have you even kissed?’

‘No! He never quite gets round to it.’

‘Perhaps he’s one of those gentlemen who don’t like the ladies,’ said Pepeprimly.

‘And we could really do without your input,’ snapped Glenda, turning on him.

‘I mean, for some of the others, like Rotten Johnny, I nearly wear my knee out,but Trev’s just… sweet, all the time.’

‘Look, I know you told me to keep out of this, and I know I’ve been a terriblesinner in my time and hope to remain so, but I have been around the houses moretimes than a postman and the reason for this imp ass is obvious,’ Pepevolunteered. ‘He’s got the nous to see that she’s so beautiful that she shouldbe painted standing on some shell somewhere without her vest on and little fatpink babies inexplicably zooming around all over the place and he’s some kidwith nothing more than a bit of street smarts. I mean, it’s pointless, isn’tit? He’s not going to stand a chance and he knows it, even if he doesn’t knowhe knows it.’

‘I’d give him a kiss if he wanted one and would definitely not knee him in thetonker,’ said Juliet.

‘You have to sort it out,’ said Glenda. ‘I can’t sort it out for you. If Itried, it would get sorted out all wrong.’

‘But—’ Juliet began.

‘No, that’s it,’ said Glenda. ‘Off you go, buy yourself lots of nice stuff–it’syour money. And if you don’t look after her, Mister Pepe, a knee would only bethe start.’

Pepe nodded and very gently tugged Juliet away and down the stone steps.

Now what would I do at this point if I were in a romantic novel? Glenda said toherself as the footsteps died away. Her reading had left her pretty much anexpert on what to do if you were in a romantic novel, although one of thethings that really annoyed her about romantic novels, as she had confided to MrWobble, was that no one did any cooking in them. After all, cooking wasimportant. Would it hurt to have a pie-making sequence? Would a novel calledPride and Buns be totally out of the question? Even a few tips on how to makefairy cakes would help, and be pretty much in period as well. She’d be a littlehappier if, even, the lovers could be thrown into the mixing bowl of life. Atleast it would be some acknowledgement that people actually ate food.

Around about now she knew, and knew all through her body, that she should bedissolving into a flood of tears. She started cleaning up the floor. Then shecleaned up the ovens. She always left them sparkling, but that was no reasonnot to clean them again. She used an old toothbrush to ease minute amounts ofdirt from odd corners, scoured every pot with fine sand, emptied the grates,riddled the cinders, swept the floor, tied two brooms together to dislodge thespider’s webs of years from the high wall, and scrubbed again until the soapywater poured down the stone stairs and washed away the footprints.

Oh, yes–and one other thing. There were some anchovies on the freezing slab.She warmed up a couple and went to the large three-legged cauldron in thecorner of the kitchen where last night she had chalked the words ‘Do NotTouch’. She took off the lid and peered into its depths. The crab that VerityPushpram had given her last night, which seemed a very long time ago now, wavedits eyeballs at her.

‘I wonder what would have happened if I had left the lid off?’ she said. ‘Iwonder how fast crabs learn?’

She dropped in the soggy anchovies, which seemed to meet with crabby approval.With that done, she stood in the middle of the kitchen and looked for somethingelse to clean. The black iron would never shine, but every surface had beenscrubbed and dried. As for the plates, you could eat your dinner off them. Ifyou wanted a job done properly, you had to do it yourself. Juliet’s version ofcleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past allunderstanding and was seldom seen.