‘Ten dollars including lace-up bodice. A bargain in anybody’s money,’ saidCharlie from behind his curtain. ‘Very slinky.’

There had been no reply because Glenda’s mouth had stuck in the act of opening,but she finally managed a polite, but firm, ‘No.’

The head of the Department of Post-Mortem Communications gave a little sigh. ‘Ithought as much, but we are part of the scheme of things. Light and dark. Nightand day. Sweet and sour. Good and evil (within acceptable college statutes). Itjust helps if you can have sensible and reliable people on both sides, but I’mglad that we’ve been able to be of assistance. We don’t see many people downhere. Well, not people as such.’

This time Glenda walked along the corridor. ‘Orc,’ she thought. ‘A thing thatjust kills.’ Every time she blinked, the image came back to her. The teeth andclaws of a creature in full leap seen, as far as one could tell, by whoever itwas it was leaping at. Fighters you couldn’t stop. And Nutt had been killed,according to Trev, and then sort of became unkilled again before going back toUnseen University and eating all the pies.

There was an awfully big gap in all this, but men with whips filled it. Youcan’t have something that just fights, she thought. It has to do other thingsas well. And Nutt isn’t any stranger than most of the people you see aroundthese days. It’s not a lot to go on, though, but then again, the Evil Emperorwas a sorcerer, everyone knew that. Everyone knows you can’t help how you’remade. Well, it’s worth a try. It’s a little bit of uncertainty.

As soon as she arrived back outside Nutt’s special place, she sensed that itwould be empty. She pushed the door open and there was a definite absence ofcandles and, more importantly, a very noticeable absence of Nutt. But I toldhim to go and help them train. That’s where he’s gone, to go and train,definitely, she said to herself. So no need to worry, then.

On edge, feeling that something was nevertheless wrong, she forced herself backto the Night Kitchen.

She was nearly there when she met Mr Ottomy, his scrawny Adam’s apple as redand glistening as chicken giblets.

‘So, we’ve got a man-eating orc down here, have we?’ he said. ‘People aren’tgoing to stand for that. I heard somewhere that they could go on fighting whiletheir heads are chopped off.’

‘That’s interesting,’ said Glenda. ‘How did they know which way to go?’

‘Ah-ah! They could smell their way,’ said the bledlow.

‘How could they do that with their heads chopped off? Are you telling me theyhad a nose up their arse?’ She was shocked at herself for saying that, it wasbad language, but Ottomy was bad language made solid.

‘I don’t hold with it,’ he said, ignoring the question. ‘You know somethingelse I heard? They were kind of made. When the Evil Emperor wanted fighters hegot some of the Igors to turn goblins into orcs. They’re not really properpeople at all. I’m going to complain to the Archchancellor.’

‘He already knows,’ said Glenda. Well, he must do, she thought. And Vetinari,too, she added to herself. ‘You’re not going to make trouble for Mister Nutt,are you?’ she said. ‘Because if you are, Mister Ottomy’–she leaned forward–‘youwill never be seen again.’

‘You shouldn’t threaten me like that,’ he said.

‘You’re right, I shouldn’t,’ said Glenda. ‘I should have said that you willnever be seen again, you egregious slimy little twerp. Go and tell theArchchancellor if you like and see how much good that does you.’

‘They ate people alive!’ said Ottomy.

‘So did trolls,’ said Glenda. ‘Admittedly they spat them out again, but not inmuch of a state to enjoy life. We used to fight dwarfs once and when they cutyou off at the knees they weren’t joking. We know, Mister Ottomy, that theleopard can change his shorts,’ she sniffed, ‘and it might be a good idea ifyou did, too. And if I hear of any trouble from you, you will hear from me. Upthere it’s the Archchancellor. Down here in the dark, it’s cutlery.’

‘I’ll tell him what you said,’ said the luckless bledlow, backing away.

‘I would be very grateful if you did,’ said Glenda. ‘Now push off.’

Why do we tell one another that the leopard cannot change his shorts? she musedas she watched him scurry away. Has anyone ever seen a leopard wearing shorts?And how would they be able to put them on if they had them? But we go on sayingit as if it was some kind of holy truth, when it just means that we’ve run outof an argument.

There was something she had to do, now what was it? Oh, yes. She went over onceagain to the cauldron on which she had chalked ‘Do Not Touch’ and lifted up thelid. The beady eyes stared up at her from the watery depths and she went awayand got a few scraps of fish, which she dropped towards the waiting claws.‘Well, I know what to do with you, at least,’ she said.

A fully working kitchen holds a great many things, not least of which is a hugecollection of ways of committing horrible murder, plus multiple ways of gettingrid of the evidence. This wasn’t the first time the thought had crossed hermind. She was quite glad about it. For now, she selected a really thick pair ofgloves from a drawer, put her old coat on again, reached into the cauldron andpicked up the crab. It snapped at her. She knew it would. Never, ever expectgratitude from those you help.

‘Tide’s turning,’ she told the crustacean, ‘so we’re going to take a littlewalk.’ She dropped it into her shopping bag and headed across the universitylawns.

A couple of graduate wizards were working in the university boatyard nearby.One looked at her and said, ‘Are you supposed to be walking on the universitylawns, madam?’

‘No, it is absolutely forbidden to kitchen staff,’ said Glenda.

The students looked at one another. ‘Oh, right,’ said one of them.

And that was it.

As easy as that.

It was only a metaphorical hammer. It only hit you if you allowed it to bethere.

She pulled the crab out of her bag and it waved its claws irritably. ‘See thatover there?’ she said, waving her own spare hand. ‘That’s Hen and ChickensField.’ It’s doubtful whether the crab’s beady eyes could focus on the grassywaste across the river, but at least she pointed it in the right direction.‘People think it’s because there was chickens kept there,’ she went onconversationally while the two wizards looked at one another. ‘As a matter offact, that’s not so. It used to be where people were hanged, and so when theywalked out from the old gaol that used to be over there, the priest in front ofthe procession with his billowing robes seemed to lead the line of doomed menand gaolers like a hen leading its chicks. That sort of thing is what we call adroll sense of humour in these parts and I haven’t got the faintest idea whyI’m talking to you. I’ve done my best. You now know more than any other crab.’

She walked down to the very edge of what passed for water as the river flowedthrough the city, and dropped the crab into it. ‘Stay clear of crab pots anddon’t come back.’ She turned round and realized the wizards had been watchingher. ‘Well?’ she snapped. ‘Is there any law about talking to crabs aroundhere?’ She then gave them a little smile as she walked past.

Back in the long corridors she wandered, feeling a little light-headed, towardsthe vats. Some of its denizens eyed her nervously as she passed through, butthere was no sign of Nutt, not that she was looking for him at all. As shewalked on towards the Night Kitchen, Trev and Juliet appeared. Glenda couldn’thelp but notice that Juliet had a somewhat bright-eyed and ruffled look. Thatis, she couldn’t help but notice because she made a point of noticing everytime. Semi-parental responsibility was a terrible thing.