‘You see, the thing about football is that it is not about football. It is amost fascinating multi-dimensional philosophy, an extrusion, as it were, ofwhat Doctor Maspinder promulgated in Das Meer von Unvermeidlichkeit. Now, youwould say to me, I am sure,’ he went on, ‘What of the 4–4–2 or even the4–1–2–1–2, yes? And my answer to that would be, there is only the one.Traditionally we say there are eleven players in the team, but that is becauseof our rather feeble perceptions. In truth, there is only the one andtherefore, I would say,’ he gave a little laugh, ‘daring to adapt a line fromThe Doors of Deception: it does not matter whether you win or lose so long asyou score the most goals.’

The girl looked down at her notepad. ‘Could you give that to me a little bitmore simply?’

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ said Nutt. ‘I thought I had.’

‘And I think that’s about enough,’ said Glenda, taking the girl by the arm.

‘But I haven’t asked him about his favourite spoon,’ she wailed.

Nutt cleared his throat. ‘Well, I would have appreciated some notice of thatquestion because it is quite a large field, but I think the Great Bronze Spoonof Cladh, which weighed more than a ton, would definitely have to be a runner,though we must not forget the set of spoons, each one smaller than a grain ofrice, crafted by some unknown genius for the concubines of the Emperor Whezi.But undoubtedly, from what I can gather, these were surpassed by the notoriousclockwork spoon, devised by Bloody Stupid Johnson, which could apparently stircoffee so fast that the cup would actually rise up from the saucer and hit theceiling. Oh, to be a fly on that wall, but not too close, obviously. Possiblyless well known is the singing spoon of the learned sage Ly Tin Wheedle, whichcould entertain the dinner table by singing comic songs. Among other greatspoons—’

‘That is enough,’ said Glenda, tugging the girl away for her own good.

‘He’s an orc?’ the girl said.

‘So everyone says,’ said Glenda.

‘Were they all like that? I thought it was all about twisting heads off?’

‘Well, I suspect people get bored with the same old thing.’

‘But how does he know all about spoons?’

‘Believe me, if anyone has ever written Great Spoons of the World, Mister Nutthas read it.’

Trev heard the girl’s plaintive voice as Glenda almost forcibly led her away,or at least away from Nutt. ‘I really wanted to talk to Jewels,’ Trev heard thegirl say, as she walked past Juliet without a glance. ‘But she’s hiding out,everyone says.’

He hurried across and pulled the other two in a huddle towards him. ‘There’sgonna be murder tomorrow,’ he said. ‘The wizards can’t use magic andAnkh-Morpork United is gonna be made up out of the toughest, nastiest bunch ofbuggers that’re outside of the Tanty.’

‘We shall have to change our tactics to suit, then,’ said Nutt.

‘Are you nu—insane? I’m talkin’ about people like Andy, Nutt. An’ he might notbe the worst one.’

‘But everything is a matter of tactics. A respect for strengths and weaknessesand the proper utilization of the knowledge,’ said Nutt.

‘Listen!’ said Trev. ‘There won’t be time for that sort of thing.’

‘If I may quote—’ Nutt began.

‘I said listen! Do you know any quotes by people who have been knifed in theback an’ then kicked in the nu—’ He stopped and then continued. ‘Kicked whenthey’re lyin’ on the ground, yes? Because that’s what you need to be thinkin’about at the moment.’

‘The Watch will be there,’ said Nutt.

‘But generally their way of dealing with a complicated event is to get everyonelyin’ on the ground,’ said Trev. ‘That makes it simpler.’

‘I feel certain that we could beat any team at football,’ said Nutt soothingly.

Trev looked around him in a desperate search for anyone who might have a grip.‘It doesn’t work like that! It’s not about the football!’

‘I don’t think I want to see anyone hurt,’ said Juliet.

‘Then you’ll have to close your eyes,’ said Trev. ‘Nutt, you think thateverythin’ is going to be nice and sportsmanlike ’cos that’s how the newfootball has been designed, but it’s the same old people out there. You knowwhat I think?’

‘My dad says it won’t look very good for Vetinari if the Academicals lose,’said Juliet.

‘An’ will he be glad about that?’ said Trev.

‘Well, I suppose, yes, but even Dad says prob’ly better to have bloody Vetinarithan most of the buggers we’ve had.’

That was because the city worked, thought Trev. It had been a mess beforeVetinari had taken over and no one knew exactly how he’d done it. He’d got theWatch working properly. He’d got the war between the dwarfs and the trollssorted out. He let people do whatever they liked, provided they did whatever heliked. And above all, the city was crammed with people and money. Everyonewanted to live in Ankh-Morpork. Could he really be shaken down because the newfootball went bad? Well, the answer was, of course, yes–because that’s howpeople were.

Trev mentioned this to Glenda as she came back from ushering the bemused Rozout of the range of more of Nutt’s philosophy. She looked at Trev and said, ‘Doyou think Vetinari knows about this?’

‘Dunno,’ said Trev. ‘Well, I know he’s s’posed to have lots of spies, but Idunno whether they’d know about this.’

‘Do you think someone ought to tell him?’ said Glenda.

Trev laughed. ‘What are you suggestin’? That we go over to the palace, walkright up to him and say, “Excuse us, mister, there are a few things that haveescaped your attention?”’

‘Yes,’ said Glenda.

‘Thank you, Drumknott, that will be all for now,’ said Vetinari.

‘Yes, sir,’ said Drumknott. He nodded at Lady Margolotta and oiled his waynoiselessly out of the room.

‘Havelock, I appreciate that Drumknott is very competent, but he always seemsto me to be a rather strange little man.’

‘Well, it would be a funny old world if we were all alike, madam, although Iadmit not very funny if we were all like Drumknott. But he is loyal andexcessively trustworthy,’ said Vetinari.

‘Hmm,’ said her ladyship. ‘Does he have much of a personal life?’

‘I believe that he collects different types of stationery,’ said Vetinari. ‘Ihave sometimes speculated that he might change his life for the better shouldhe meet a young lady willing to dress up as a manila envelope.’

They were on the balcony outside the Oblong Office, which offered a perfectview of the centre of the city while leaving the viewer almost invisible.

‘The accord is going ahead?’ said Vetinari.

‘Certainly,’ said her ladyship. ‘Peace at last between dwarfs and trolls.’

Vetinari smiled. ‘The word “peace” is generally defined as a period of rest andrearmament before the next war. Were many assassinations necessary?’

‘Havelock, sometimes you are too direct!’

‘I do beg your pardon, it’s just that the progress of history requires butchersas well as shepherds.’

‘There were no assassinations,’ said her ladyship. She turned her eyes upwards.‘There was, however, a terrible mining accident and a rather unusual rockslide. But, of course, there is still the Loko business to sort out. The dwarfsstill want total extermination.’

‘How many orcs are there?’

‘Nobody knows. Perhaps Nutt will be able to find them.’

‘We must not have genocide,’ said Vetinari. ‘History has a way of repaying.’

‘He is turning out to be quite a surprise.’

‘So I understand. From the reports I have been receiving, all that the orcswere not, he is.’

‘But he will remain an orc underneath it all,’ said her ladyship.

‘I wonder what remains under all of us?’ said Vetinari.

‘You’ve taken a very big risk, you know,’ said Lady Margolotta.

‘Madam, this city is all risk, I assure you.’

‘And power is a game of smoke and mirrors,’ said her ladyship, reaching for thewine.