‘And what else does it do?’

‘I’ll show you in a minute. Slip on a pair of the shorts.’

‘Wot, here?’ said Trev.

Somehow, Pepe looked like a small demon by the light of the forge. ‘Ooh, lookat Mister Bashful!’ said Pepe. ‘Just pull a pair on over your trousers for nowand I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll even turn my back while you’re doingthat.’ He looked away, fiddling with the tools beside the anvil. ‘Got ’em on?’he said, after listening to a few minutes of heavy breathing.

‘Yes, they, er, well, they feel all right.’

‘Okay,’ said Pepe. ‘Could you just wait ’ere one moment.’ He disappeared intothe darkness and, after a succession of strange noises, walked back into view,slowly and awkwardly.

‘What’s that you’re wearin’, Pepe?’ said Trev. ‘It looks like a mass ofcushions to me.’

‘Oh, just a bit of protection,’ said Pepe. ‘Now if you could just go back alittle way, Mister Nutt, and Trev, if you could oblige me by putting your handson your head, it just helps to get the measurements right.’ He turned his backon them. ‘Okay, Trevor, are your hands on your head?’

‘Yeah, yeah.’

At which point, Pepe spun round and hit him full force in the groin with atwenty-four-pound sledgehammer…

Surprisingly, the only effect was to send Pepe crashing into the opposite wall.‘Perfect!’ said his voice, muffled by the padding.

Morning came, but it seemed to Glenda that there was no night and no day, nowork and no play, there was just football, ahead of them all, drawing themtogether. In the Great Hall the team had a table all to themselves. Servantsand wizards side by side, filling up as only Unseen University could.

Football owned the day. Nothing was happening that wasn’t about football. Therewere certainly no lectures. Of course, there never were, but at least todaythey weren’t being attended because of the excitement about the upcoming matchrather than not being attended because no one wanted to go to them. And after awhile, Glenda became aware of the sound which was coming from the city itself.

There were crowds outside the university; there were crowds, even now, queuingto get into the Hippo. The sound of a hundred thousand people at one purposerose like the buzz of a distant swarm.

Glenda went back to the sanctuary of the Night Kitchen and tried to pass sometime by doing some baking, but the dough fell from her fingers.

‘Are you upset?’ said Juliet.

‘I hope we’re going to win,’ said Glenda.

‘Well, of course we’re going to win,’ said Juliet.

‘That’s all very well up until the time we lose,’ said Glenda. ‘Yes, who’sthat?’

The door was pushed open and Pepe stepped in, looking smarter than usual.‘Hello, ladies,’ he said. ‘Got a little message for you. How was you expectingto watch the match?’

‘Just so long as we can get close,’ said Glenda.

‘Tell you what, then,’ said Pepe. ‘Madame has got the best seats in thestadium. Nothing underhand, just open and above-board bribery. Shatta has gotto be seen out and about, you see? Got to keep micromail in the public eye.’

‘I’d love to!’ Juliet shouted. And even Glenda found that her automatic,unthinking cynicism was letting her down.

‘There will be sherry,’ said Pepe.

‘Will there be anyone famous there?’ said Juliet.

Pepe walked over and prodded her gently in the chest and said, ‘Yes. You, miss.Everyone wants to see Jewels.’

It seemed as if the clocks turned backwards. All Watch leave had beensuspended, but it was hard to see what crime there could be in streets wherenobody could move. A flood of humanity, well, mostly humanity, poured towardsthe stadium, bounced off it and overflowed and backfilled more and more of thecity. The game was in the Hippo, the crowd stretched back to Sator Square andeventually the pressure of so many eyeballs on the hands of so many clocksmoved time forwards.

Only the team, and Trev, remained in the Great Hall, everyone else having leftmuch earlier in a fruitless attempt at securing a seat. They milled aroundaimlessly prodding the ball to one another until Ponder, Nutt and theArchchancellor turned up.

‘Well, big day, lads!’ said Ridcully. ‘Looks like there’s going to be a niceday for it as well. They’re all over there waiting for us to give them a show.I want you to approach this in the best traditions of Unseen Universitysportsmanship, which is to cheat whenever you are unobserved, though I fearthat the chance of anyone being unobserved today is remote. But in any case, Iwant you all to give it one hundred and ten per cent.’

‘Excuse me, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder Stibbons. ‘I understand the sense ofwhat you are saying, but there is only one hundred per cent.’

‘Well, they could give it one hundred and ten per cent if they tried harder,’said Ridcully.

‘Well, yes and no, sir. But, in fact, that would mean that you had just madethe one hundred per cent bigger while it would still be one hundred per cent.Besides, there is only so fast a man can run, only so high a man can jump. Ijust wanted to make the point.’

‘Good point, well made,’ said Ridcully, dismissing it instantly. He lookedaround at the faces. ‘Ah, Mister Likely, I suppose there is nothing I can dothat would get you on to the team? Dave Likely’s boy playing for UnseenAcademicals would be a bit of a feather in our cap. And I see my colleagueProfessor Rincewind has humorously already put a white one in his.’

‘Well, sir, you know how I’m fixed,’ Trev mumbled.

‘Your old mum,’ said Ridcully, nodding understandingly.

‘I promised her,’ said Trev. ‘I know she’s passed away, but I’m certain thatshe still watches over me, sir.’

‘Well, that’s nice and does you credit. Is there anything else that can besaid? Let me think. Oh yes, gentlemen–Mrs Whitlow, as is her wont on theseoccasions, has organized her maids to dress up in appropriate costume and cheerus on from the sidelines.’ His face was a blank mask as he continued. ‘MrsWhitlow unaccountably takes an enthusiastic and uncharacteristically athleticpart in these things. There will be high kicking, I am told, but if you arecareful where you let your gaze fall, you should see nothing that will upsetyou too much.’

‘Excuse me, sir,’ said Rincewind. ‘Is it true that some of the men inAnkh-Morpork United are just a bunch of thugs from the Shove?’

‘That might be a bit harsh,’ Ridcully began.

‘Excuse me, sir,’ said Trev, ‘that is quite true. I would say about half ofthem are honest cloggers and the rest of them are bastards.’

‘Well, I’m sure we will overcome,’ said Ridcully jovially.

‘I would also like to make a few comments before we leave, sir,’ said Nutt. ‘Afew words of advice, perhaps? In these few days I have taught you everything Iknow, even if I do not know how I know it. As you know, I am an orc andwhatever else we were, we were team players. You are playing, therefore, not asindividuals, but as a team. I think it was Von Haudenbrau who said—’

‘I don’t think we’ve got very much time to get through the crowds,’ saidRidcully, who had been expecting this. ‘Thank you, Mister Nutt, but I reallythink we ought to get going.’

Those watching from above would have seen the cramped streets of the city waveras the red caterpillar that was the Unseen Academicals made its way to theground. There were cheers and there were boos and because this wasAnkh-Morpork, usually the cheers and the booing were done alternately byeveryone concerned.

By the time Lance-Constable Bluejohn of the Watch and two other trolls hadforcibly prised open the gates against the pressure of bodies, the noise wasjust one great hammer of sound. The troll officers opened a path for them withthe forethought and delicacy that has made police crowd control such a byword.It led to a fenced-off and heavily guarded area, in the centre of which was theArchchancellor formerly known as Dean, the entire team of Ankh-Morpork Unitedand His Grace the Duke of Ankh, Commander of the City Watch, Sir Samuel Vimes,with a face like a bad lunch. ‘What the hell are you clowns proposing to do tomy city?’ he demanded and looked up at Vetinari in his box in the middle of thestand. He raised his voice. ‘I’ve been grafting like mad this last month ongetting the KV Accord sorted out and it turns out that just when the dwarfs andthe trolls are shaking hands and being jolly good pals, you lot are startinganother KV of your very own.’