Andy momentarily lifted a finger to his forelock.

‘Well, sir, I was rushing forward according to the rules to tackle MisterMacarona and I had no idea at all that Jimmy the Spoon, here, had got exactlythe same idea and was coming from a different direction and suddenly we wereall there together going arse over tip, if you would excuse my Klatchian.’

Trev glowered.

The look on Andy’s face was transparent. He was lying. He knew he was lying. Heknew everyone else knew he was lying and he didn’t care. In fact, he ratherenjoyed the situation. Andy’s boots looked heavy enough to moor a boat.

‘They got ’im like the meat in a sandwich, sir,’ Trev complained to thereferee.

‘Can you substantiate that, young man?’

‘Well, you can see what’s happened to the poor bugger.’

‘Yes, but do you have any evidence of collusion?’

Trev went blank and Nutt supplied in a whisper, ‘Can you prove it was aset-up?’

‘Can anyone?’ said the referee, looking around the players. No one could. Trevwondered how many might, were it not for the fact that Andy was standing there,innocent as a shark. ‘I am the referee, gentlemen, and I can only referee whatI see and I saw nothing.’

‘Yes, because they made sure of that,’ said Trev. ‘Anyway, listen to the crowd.They all saw it!’

‘Look! They’ve got boots on them that could strip bark,’ Ridcully protested.

‘Yes, indeed, Mustrum, I mean, sorry, captain, but as yet there are no rulesabout which boots should be worn and at the very least these are the boots thathave been traditionally worn for the game of foot-the-ball.’

‘But they are man traps!’

‘I can certainly see what you are getting at, but what would you like me todo?’ said Henry. ‘I have a suspicion that if I cancel this match at this pointyou and I would not get out of here alive, because even if we ourselves didescape the wrath of the crowd, we would by no means escape the wrath ofVetinari. The game will continue. Unseen Academicals can play a substitute andI will, let me see—’ He pulled out a notebook. ‘Ah, yes, I will award a freekick at the very point where this unfortunate incident took place. And may Iadd that I will look askance at any future “incidents”. Mister Hoggett, I trustthat you will make this clear to your team.’

‘Blow that for a game of soldiers!’ Trev yelled. ‘They just took out our bestplayer an’ you’re gonna let ’em walk away grinning?’

But the referee was, after all, the former Dean. A man used to head-to-headconfrontations with Mustrum Ridcully. He gave Trev a chilly look and turnedvery deliberately to the Archchancellor and said, ‘And I trust you, too,captain, will impress upon your team that my decisions are final. There will bea five-minute interlude for you to do this and can some of you fellows takepoor Professor Macarona off the field and see if you can find some quack tolook at him.’

A voice behind him bellowed, ‘You have one right here, sir.’ They turned. Afigure slightly larger than life, wearing a top hat and carrying a small bag,nodded at them.

‘Doctor Lawn,’ said Ridcully. ‘I wouldn’t have expected to see you here.’

‘Really?’ said the doctor. ‘Wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Now some ofyou men drag him over to that corner and I’ll take a look at him. I’ll send mybill to you, shall I, Mustrum?’

‘Wouldn’t you like to take him somewhere nice and quiet?’ said the referee.

‘No fear! I want to keep my eye on the play.’

‘They’re gettin’ away with it,’ said Trev, as he walked back to the line.‘Everyone knows they’re gettin’ away with it.’

‘We still have the rest of the team, Mister Trev,’ said Nutt, lacing up hisboots. He had, of course, made them himself. They looked like foot gloves. ‘Andme of course, I am the first substitute. I promise that I will do my best,Mister Trev.’

Thus far, it had been a rather boring afternoon for the Librarian after his onelittle moment in the sun. It really was rather dull between the goal posts andhe was getting hungry and so was pleasantly surprised by the appearance of alarge banana in front of the goal. It was later agreed that, in a footballingcontext, mysteriously appearing fruit should have been greeted with a certainamount of caution. But he was hungry, it was a banana and the metaphysics weresound. He ate it.

Glenda, up in the stand, wondered if she was the only one to have seen thestartlingly yellow fruit in its trajectory and then saw, looking up at her fromthe crowd, with a big grin on her face, Mrs Atkinson, mother of Tosher, himselfsomething of an unguided weapon. Anyone who had ever been in the Shove knew heras a perpetrator of all kinds of inventive assaults. She had always got awaywith it because no one in the Shove would hit an old lady, especially onestanding next to Tosher.

‘Excuse me,’ said Glenda, standing up. ‘I’ve got to get down there right now.’

‘Not a chance, love,’ said Pepe. ‘It’s shoulder-to-shoulder. A Shove and ahalf.’

‘Look after Juliet,’ said Glenda. She leaned forward and tapped on the shoulderof the nearest man. ‘I’ve got to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible.Mind if I jump?’

He looked past her at the glittering figure of Juliet and said, ‘Not at all, ifyou get your girlfriend to give me a big kiss.’

‘No, but I’ll give you one.’

‘Er, don’t trouble yourself, miss, but come on then, give me your hand.’

It was a reasonably fast descent, as she was passed from hand to hand,accompanied by ribaldry, much genial horseplay and a definite feeling ofsatisfaction on Glenda’s part that she was wearing her biggest and mostimpenetrable pants[23].

Elbowing and kicking people out of the way, she reached the goal just as thebanana was consumed in one gulp and stood panting helplessly in front of theLibrarian. He gave her a wide smile, looked thoughtful for a moment and wentover backwards.

High up in the stand, Lady Margolotta turned to Vetinari. ‘Is that part of thegame?’

‘I fear not,’ he said.

Ladyship yawned. ‘Well, it relieves the boredom, at least. They’ve spent farmore time arguing than playing.’

Vetinari smiled. ‘Yes, madam. It does look as if football is very much likediplomacy: short periods of fighting followed by long periods of negotiation.’

Glenda prodded the Librarian. ‘Hello? Are you all right?’ All she could hearwas a gurgling. She cupped her hands, ‘Man—er, someone down, here!’

To another chorus of boos, and, because this was Ankh-Morpork, cheers, thetravelling committee, which was what the game had now become, hastened over tothe Unseen Academicals’ goal.

‘Someone threw a banana and I saw who did it and I think it’s poisoned,’ saidGlenda, all in one breath.

‘He’s breathing very heavily,’ said Ridcully. The comment was unnecessary asthe snores were making the goal rattle.

He crouched down and put his ear to the Librarian’s chest. ‘I don’t think he’sbeen poisoned,’ he said.

‘Why’s that, Archchancellor?’ said Ponder.

‘Because if anyone has poisoned our Librarian,’ said Ridcully, ‘then, althoughI am not, by nature, a vindictive man, I will see to it that this universityhunts down the poisoner by every thaumic, mystic and occult means available andmakes the rest of their life not only as horrible as they can imagine it, butas horrible as I can imagine it. And you can depend on it, gentlemen, that Ihave already started work on it.’

Ponder looked around until he saw Rincewind. ‘Professor Rincewind. You were, Imean you are, his friend, can’t you stick your fingers down his throat orsomething?’

‘Well, no,’ said Rincewind. ‘I am very attached to my fingers and I like tothink of them as attached to me.’

The noise of the crowd was getting louder. They were here to see football, nota debate.