You think it’s all over?

The wizards of Unseen University knew how to party. Pepe and MadameSharn[26] were impressed. However, business was business and they hadto think about Juliet. ‘I can’t see her anywhere,’ said Madame.

‘I think I saw two of her a while ago,’ said Pepe. ‘These fellows do themselveswell–I have never seen such a large cheeseboard. It almost makes celibacy seemworthwhile.’

‘Oh, do you think so?’

‘No. By the way, have you noticed that very tall wizard giving you the eye, mydear?’

‘That’s Professor Bengo Macarona. Do you think he—’ Madame began.

‘Without a shadow of a doubt, my dear. I know he’s hurt his legs, but I doubtif that would be a problem.’

Once again, Madame craned to search the crowd for the glittering figure. ‘I dohope our young model is not getting involved in any hanky panky.’

‘How could she? She’s totally surrounded by admirers.’

‘It’s still possible.’

In fact, Juliet and Trev were sitting in the darkness of the Night Kitchen.‘I’ll find somethin’ to do,’ said Trev. ‘I’ll go wherever you go.’

‘You ought to stay here and play football,’ said Juliet. ‘You know what somepeople said when we were drinking? They said Dave Likely was your father.’

‘Well, yes, that’s true.’

‘Yes,’ said Juliet, ‘but they used to say you were his son.’

‘Well, maybe a bit of football,’ Trev conceded, ‘but I don’t think I’ll getaway with the tin can again.’

They kissed.

There and then, that was all that appeared necessary.

However…

Glenda and Nutt had also wanted to find a place a little out of the way and, ifpossible, dark. Fortuitously she had pulled out of her pocket a pair oftickets, placed there by Dr Hix in his attempt to spread darkness anddespondency throughout the world by the means of amateur dramatics, to theDolly Sisters Players’ production of Starcrossed by Hwel the Playwright. Theysat hand in hand, watching it solemnly, feeling the ripples move them, thendiscussed it as they walked back through the city, carefully skirting thechanting bands of happy, drunken supporters.

‘What did you think?’ said Nutt, after a while. ‘About the play, I mean.’

‘I don’t see that it was that romantic,’ said Glenda. ‘To be honest, I thoughtit was a bit silly.’

‘It is widely regarded as one of the great romantic plays of the last fiftyyears,’ said Nutt.

‘Really? But what type of example are they setting? First of all, didn’t anyonein Genua, even in those days, know how to take a pulse? Is a little first-aidknowledge too much to expect? Even a hand mirror would have helped and thereare quite a number of respectable places where you can take a pulse.’

‘I think that’s because neither of them were thinking about themselves,perhaps,’ said Nutt.

‘Neither of them was thinking at all,’ said Glenda, ‘and they certainly weren’tthinking about each other as people. A little common sense and they would bealive. It’s made-up, like books. I don’t think anyone sensible would act likethat.’

He squeezed her hand. ‘Sometimes you speak like Ladyship,’ he said, ‘and thatreminds me.’

‘Reminds you of what?’

‘It’s time for me to meet my maker.’

Andy Shank walked unsteadily among the night-time alleys, secure in theknowledge that they contained nothing worse than him, a belief which, as ithappened, was in error.

‘Mister Shank?’

‘Who’s asking?’ he said, turning around and reaching instinctively into hiscoat for his new cutlass.

But another knife, silver and thin, sliced twice and a foot expertly stampedthe length of his shin and forced him to the ground. ‘Me! I’m the happy ending.You can call me the good fairy. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to see by the timeyou wipe the blood out of your eyes and, as they say, now you won’t have to payfor a drink in any bar in this town, though I suspect you never have.’

His attacker leaned nonchalantly against the wall.

‘And the reason I am doing this, Mister Shank, is that I am a bastard. I am anold bugger. I am a sod. They let you get away with it because they were nicepeople and, you know, the world needs someone like me to set the balancesquare. Since before you were born I have known people like you. Tormentors,bullies and thieves. Ah yes, thieves. Thieves of other people’s self-respect.Thieves of their peace of mind. Now Mister Nutt, he’s an orc and I’ve heardthat he can talk people better. Well, so be it, say I. If it works, he’s agenius, but that don’t square things, not in my book, so I thought you ought tomeet Pepe, just to say hello. If I ever see you again, they’ll never find allthe pieces, but just to show that I have a decent streak, here’s something toput on your wounds.’

Something landed softly near Andy’s groping hand.

Andy, dripping blood and snot on to the pavement, reached around quickly as thetrim little footsteps disappeared, thinking only of getting the blood out ofhis eyes and revenge and retribution out of his heart. And in thecircumstances, therefore, he should not have wiped the half-lemon across hisface.

You think it’s all over?

It is a regrettable fact that when two people are dining at a very large andimpressive dining table they sit at the opposite ends of the long axis. This isincredibly stupid and makes conversation difficult and the passing of foodimpossible, but even Lord Vetinari and Lady Margolotta had apparently signed upto the idea.

On the other hand, they both ate very little and so there wasn’t very much topass.

‘Your secretary seems to be getting on very well with my librarian,’ said LadyMargolotta.

‘Yes,’ observed Vetinari. ‘Apparently they are comparing ring binders. He hasinvented a new one.’

‘Well, for the proper working of the world,’ said Lady Margolotta, ‘it isessential that ring binders are important to at least one person.’ She put downher glass and looked towards the door.

‘You seem nervous,’ said Vetinari. ‘Are you wondering how he will come?’

‘He has had a very long day and a remarkably successful one. And you say he’sgone to an amateur dramatics performance?’

‘Yes, with that very forthright young lady who makes the pies,’ said Vetinari.

‘I see,’ said Lady Margolotta. ‘He must know I am here and he’s gone off with acook?’

There was just a trace of a smile on Vetinari’s lips. ‘Not any cook. A geniusamongst cooks.’

‘Well, I must admit to being surprised,’ said her ladyship.

‘And upset?’ said Vetinari. ‘A little jealous, perhaps?’

‘Havelock, you go too far!’

‘Would you expect otherwise? Besides, you must surely realize that his triumphis yours too?’

‘Did I tell you that I’ve seen some of them?’ said Margolotta after a while.

‘The orcs?’

‘Yes. They really are wretched. Of course, people say that about the goblinsand while it is true that they religiously save their own snot, and, frankly,just about everything else, at least there is a logic to it.’

‘Well, a religious logic, at least,’ murmured Vetinari. ‘They tend to be quitestretchable.’

‘The Igors made them from men, did you know?’

Vetinari, still holding his glass, walked to the other end of the table andpicked up the pepperpot. ‘No. However, now you tell me, it’s patently obvious.Goblins would not have been nearly ferocious enough.’

‘And they had nothing,’ said Margolotta. ‘No culture, no legends, no history–hecould give them those.’

‘Everything they are not, he is,’ said Vetinari, adding, ‘but that’s anenormous weight you’re putting on his shoulders.’

‘How much is on mine? How much of a weight is on yours?’