'Engravers and Printers?' said Goodmountain.

'Yes,' said Carney. 'We have expanded our charter. Guild membership is two hundred dollars a year--'

'I'm not--' William began, but Goodmountain laid a hand on his arm.

This is the shakedown, but it isn't as bad as I thought it might be,' he whispered. 'We haven't got time to argue and at this rate we'll make it back in a few days. End of problem!'

'However,' said Mr Slant, in his special lawyer's voice that sucked in money at every pore, 'in this instance, in view of the special circumstances, there will also be a one-off payment of, say, two thousand dollars.'

The dwarfs went quiet. Then there was a metallic chorus. Each dwarf had laid down his type, reached under the stone and pulled out a battle axe.

That's agreed, then, is it?' said Mr Slant, stepping aside. The trolls were straightening up. It didn't take a major excuse for trolls and dwarfs to fight; sometimes, being on the same world was enough.

This time it was William who restrained Goodmountain. 'Hold on, hold on, there must be a law against killing lawyers.'

'Are you sure?'

There're still some around, aren't there? Besides, he's a zombie. If you cut him in half both bits will sue you.' William raised his voice. 'We can't pay, Mr Slant.'

'In that case, accepted law and practice allows me--'

'I want to see your charter!' Sacharissa snapped. 'I've known you since we were kids, Ronnie Carney, and you're always up to something.'

121

'Good afternoon, Miss Cripslock,' said Mr Slant. 'As a matter of fact we thought someone might ask, so I brought the new charter with me. I hope we are all law-abiding here.'

Sacharissa snatched the impressive-looking scroll, with its large dangling seal, and glared at it as if trying to burn the words off the parchment by the mere friction of reading. 'Oh,' she said. 'It... seems to be in order.' 'Quite so.'

'Except for the Patrician's signature,' Sacharissa added, handing back the scroll.

That is a mere formality, my dear.'

'I'm not your dear and it's not on there, formal or not. So this isn't legal, is it?'

Mr Slant twitched. 'Clearly we cannot get a signature from a man in prison on a very serious charge,' he said.

Aha, that's a wallpaper word, thought William. When people say dearly something, that means there's a huge crack in their argument and they know things aren't clear at all. 'Then who is running the city?' he said. 'I don't know,' said Mr Slant. 'That is not my concern. I--' 'Mr Goodmountain?' said William. 'Large type, please.' 'Got you,' said the dwarf. His hand hovered over a fresh case. 'In caps, size to fit, "WHO RUNS ANKH-MORPORK?"' said William. 'Now into body type, upper and lower case, across two columns: "Who is governing the city while Lord Vetinari is imprisoned? Asked for an opinion today, a leading legal figure said' he did not know and it was no concern of his. Mr Slant of the Lawyers' Guild went on to say--"'

'You can't put that in your newspaper!' barked Slant. 'Set that directly, please, Mr Goodmountain.' 'Setting it already,' said the dwarf, the leaden slugs clicking into place. Out of the corner of his eye William saw Otto emerging from the cellar and looking puzzled at the noise.

' "Mr Slant went on to say...?"' said William, glaring at the lawyer. 'You will find it very hard to print that,' said Mr Carney, ignoring the lawyer's frantic hand signals, 'with no damn press!'

'"... was the view of Mr Carney of the Guild of Engravers,"

122

spelled with an e before the y,' said William, '"who earlier today tried to put the Times out of business by means of an illegal document.' William realized that although his mouth felt full of acid he was enjoying this immensely. ' "Asked for his opinion of this flagrant abuse of the city laws, Mr Slant said..."?'

'STOP TAKING DOWN EVERYTHING WE SAY!' yelled Slant.

'Full caps for the whole sentence, please, Mr Goodmountain.'

The trolls and the dwarfs were staring at William and the lawyer. They understood that a fight was going on, but they couldn't see any blood.

'And when you're ready, Otto?' said William, turning round.

'If the dvarfs vould just close up a bit more,' said Otto, squinting into the iconograph. 'Oh, zat'sgood, let's see the light gleam on zose big choppers... trolls, please vave your fists, zat's right... big smile, everyvun

It is amazing how people will obey a man pointing a lens at them. They'll come to their senses in a fraction of a second, but that's all he needs.

Click.

WHOOMPH.

'... aaarghaaarghaaarghaaaaaagh

William reached the falling iconograph just ahead of Mr Slant, who could move very fast for a man with no apparent knees.

'It's ours,' he said, holding it firmly, while the dust of Otto Chriek settled around them.

'What are you intending to do with this picture?'

'I don't have to tell you. This is our workshop. We didn't ask you to come here.'

'But I am here on legal business!'

'Then it can't be wrong to take a picture of you, can it?' said William. 'But if you think differently, then I will of course be happy to quote you!'

Slant glared at him and then marched back to the group by the door. William heard him say, 'It is my considered legal opinion that we leave at this juncture.'

'But you said you could--' Carney began, glaring at William.

123

'My very considered opinion,' said Mr Slant again, 'is that we go right now, in silence.'

'But you said--'

'In silence, I suggest!'

They left.

There was a group sigh of relief from the dwarfs, and a replacement of axes.

'You want me to set this properly?' said Goodmountain.

'There'll be trouble over it,' said Sacharissa.

'Yes, but how much trouble are we in already?' said William. 'On a scale of one to ten?'

'At the moment... about eight,' said Sacharissa. 'But when the next edition is on the streets...' she shut her eyes a moment and her lips moved in calculation '... about two thousand, three hundred and seventeen?'

'Then we'll put it in,' said William.

Goodmountain turned to his workers. 'Leave the axes where you can see 'em, boys,' he said.

'Look, I don't want anyone else to get into trouble,' said William. 'I'll even set the rest of the type myself, and I can run some copies off on the press.'

'Needs three to operate and you won't get much speed,' said Goodmountain. He saw William's expression, grinned and slapped him as high up the back as a dwarf could manage. 'Don't worry, lad. We want to protect our investment.'

'And I'm not leaving,' said Sacharissa. 'I need that dollar!'

'Two dollars,' said William absently. 'It's time for a rise. What about you, Ott-- Oh, can someone sweep up Otto, please?'

A few minutes later the restored vampire pulled himself upright against his tripod and lifted out a copper plate with trembling fingers.

'Vot is happenink next, please?'

'Are you staying with us? It could be dangerous,' said William, realizing that he was saying this to a vampire iconographer who undied every time he took a picture.

'Vot kind of danger?' said Otto, tilting the plate this way and that in order to examine it better. 'Well, legal, to start with.'

124

'Has anyvun mentioned garlic zo far?'

'No.'

'Can I have vun hundred and eighty dollars for the Akina TR-10 dual-imp iconograph viz the telescopic seat and big shiny lever?'

'Er... not yet,'

'Okay,' said Otto philosophically. 'Zen I shall require five dollars for repairs and improvements. I can see zis is a different kind of job.'

'All right. All right, then,' William looked around the press room. Everyone was silent, and everyone was watching him.

A few days ago he'd have expected today to be... well, dull. It usually was, just after he'd sent out his news letter. He generally spent the time wandering around the city or reading in his tiny office while waiting for the next client with a letter to be written or, sometimes, read out.