There is more than one reason why the Crown finds this overimaginative work most unacceptable.

First and foremost, of course, is that it purports to be about a planet called "Earth" and no such planet exists under that name or its pretended astrographic designation of Blito-P3. Admittedly, it has been cleverly created down to characters and locations. That is the precise danger for the unsuspecting reader.

It is also claimed that "Earth" is on the Invasion Timetable and thus scheduled for capture. The Timetable bequeathed by our ancestors has the status of Divine Command. It has unerringly guided us for well over 125,000 years. Altering it in any way would disrupt every sector of our Confederacy and pose the greatest of dangers. Yet even a cursory glance will show that there is NO such planet on the Timetable. By making such a claim, by seeking to lend credence to this pretense and by invoking the work of our ancestors, the author walks the thin line of heresy.

In like manner, the representations of cellology in this work border on the obscene. That any member of this science would be used to make human freaks is in violation of every known cellological ethical code.

Additionally, and as I have stated before, the sexual practices of this fallacious planet are beyond the most ridiculous credibility. Such behavior would repulse even the disgusting subanimals of Gartch.

The reader is also warned that the author has cleverly wrapped this frivolous deception in what is otherwise quite familiar. For example, the so-called Atlantic City in this volume will be recognized as nothing more than a paltry, scaled-down version of our own Joy City, not to mention the play-planets. In short, this fanciful yarn has no real contact with agreed-upon fact and is attempting to subvert and cast doubts upon everything from our ancestral Timetable to established science.

That is the inherent danger in believing the most outlandish claim of all-that there is such a planet as "Earth."

Once the reader sees through that fallacy and recognizes that THERE IS NO SUCH PLANET AS "EARTH," this fable can be put into its proper perspective.

Lord Invay

Royal Historian

Chairman, Board of Censors

Royal Palace

Voltar Confederacy

By Order of

His Imperial Majesty

Wully the Wise

Hi there!

This is the Robotbrain in the Translatophone, otherwise known as 54 Charlee Nine.

My mandate is still to inform you that I translated this work from what was dictated by one Soltan Gris, according to the bylaws of the Machine Purity League.

I also want to assure you that I am incapable of dreaming up the ideas or scenes depicted herein. I never even heard of Blindstein, Bugs Bunny, the Marquis de Sade and the other psychoscientists of Earth until I got this job. And I hope I never hear of them again. All they give me is a fuse ache. I don't know which one is worse: Blindstein, with his idea that nothing travels faster than the speed of light; de Sade who said that pain is pleasure; or Bugs, who goes down a rabbit hole and then asks "What's up, doc?"

If they are a cross-section of Earth, you can keep it, if you can find it. I've got enough to do. I can be of service and provide a Key to this volume and verify the Chief Censor's remark that Earth does not appear on the Invasion Timetable.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to handle a small mutiny in my logic circuits. Like everyone else, they have trouble maintaining their sanity when dealing with Earth.

Sincerely,

54 Charlee Nine

Robotbrain in the Translatophone

Absorbo-coat-Coating that absorbs light waves, making the object virtually invisible or undetectable. It is usually applied to spacecraft

Activator-receiver-A unit that Soltan Gris uses to activate and receive the signals from the bugs that are implanted in the Countess Krak and Jettero Heller. The unit receives what they are seeing and hearing.

Afyon-City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret base.

Agnes, Miss-Personal aide to Delbert John Rockecenter.

Agricultural Station-The Agricultural Training Center for Peasants, a cover activity for the secret Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.

Ahmed-Taxi driver for Soltan Gris in Afyon. He is also known as Deplor, an Apparatus agent from the planet Modon.

Antimancos-A race exiled long ago from the planet Manco for ritual murders.

Apparatus, Coordinated Information-The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals.

Assassin Pilots-Space pilots used to kill any Apparatus personnel who try to flee a battle.

Atalanta-Home province of Jettero Hellerand the Countess Krak on the planet Manco.

Audio-respondo-mitter-See Respondo-Mitters.

Babe Corleone-The six-foot-six leader of the Corleone mob, who "adopted" Jettero Heller into her Mafia Family.

Bang-Bang Rimbombo-An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Babe Corleone mob. He also attends Jettero Heller's college Army ROTC classes in place of Heller at EmpireUniversity.

Barben, I.G.-Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John Rockecenter.

Bawteh-Soltan Gris's chief clerk back on Voltar.

Bildirjin, Nurse-Turkish teen-age nurse who assists Prahd Bittlestiffender.

Bittlestiffender, Prahd-Voltarian cellologist who implanted Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak.

Blito-P3-Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as "Earth." It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito. It is on the Invasion Timetable as a future way stop on Voltar's route toward the center of this galaxy.

Blixo-Apparatus freighter, piloted by Captain Bolz, that makes regular runs between Earth and Voltar. The voyage takes about six weeks each way.

Bolz-Captain of the freighter Blixo.

Bugging Gear-Electronic eavesdropping devices, including the respondo-mitters, that Soltan Gris had Prahd Bittlestiffender implant in Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak. With these "bugs" and his video unit Gris can eavesdrop on them without their knowledge. The signals are picked up by the activator-receiver and decoder that Gris carries. When Heller or the Countess Krak are more than 200 miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is used to boost the signals to a range of 10,000 miles.

Bury-Delbert John Rockecenter's most powerful attorney, a member of the firm of Swindle and Crouch.

Calico, Mister-Cat discovered by Jettero Heller and trained by the Countess Krak.

Candy Licorice-Lesbian "wife" of Miss Pinch.

Caucalsia, Prince-According to legend, he fled Atalanta, Manco to set up a colony on Earth.

Cellology-Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.

Code Break-Alerting others that one is an alien. Per a section of the Space Code, it carries an automatic death penalty. The purpose is to maintain the security of the Invasion Timetable.

Control Star-An electronic device disguised as a star-shaped medallion that can paralyze any of the Apparatus crew of Antimancos that brought Soltan Gris and Jettero Heller to Earth. It was given to Gris by Lombar Hisst.