SQUEAK. EEK?

     'The rat says, if he wanted to find out about the Hogfather, he'd go to the Castle of ...'

     'Oh, that's just a nursery tale,' said Susan. 'That's where the letters are  supposed  to  go that are posted up  the  chimney. That's  just  an old story.'

     She turned. The rat and the raven were staring at her. And she realized that she'd been too normal.

SQUEAK?

     'The rat says, "What d'you mean, just?"' said the raven.

     Chickenwire sidled towards Medium Dave in the garden. If you could call it a  garden.  It was the land round  the ... house. If  you could call it a house.  No one  said much  about it, but every  so often you just had to get out. It didn't feel right, inside.

     He shivered. 'Where's himself?' he said.

     'Oh, up  at  the top,' said Medium Dave.  'Still  trying to  open  that room.'

     'The one with all the locks?'

     'Yeah.'

     Medium Dave was rolling a cigarette. Inside the house ... or tower,  or both,  or  whatever  ...  you couldn't smoke, not properly. When  you smoked inside it tasted horrible and you felt sick.

     'What for? We done  what we came  to do, didn't  we? Stood there like a bunch of kids and watched  that wet wizard do all his chanting it  was all I could do to keep a straight face. What's he after now?'

     'He just said if it was locked that bad he wanted to see inside.'

     'I thought we were supposed to do what we came for and go!'

     'Yeah? You tell him. Want a roll-up?'

     Chickenwire  took the bag of  tobacco  and relaxed. 'I've seen some bad places in my time, but this takes the serious biscuit.'

     'Yeah.'

     'It's  the cute that wears  you down. And  there's got to be  something else to eat than apples.'

     'Yeah.'

     'And that damn sky. That damn sky is really getting on my nerves.'

     'Yeah.'

     They  kept  their eyes averted from that damn  sky. For some reason, it made you feel that it was about to fall  on you. And it was worse if you let your eyes stray  to  the gap where a  gap shouldn't be.  The effect was like getting toothache in your eyeballs.

     In the distance Banjo was swinging on a swing. Odd, that, Dave thought. Banjo seemed perfectly happy here.

     'He  found  a  tree that  grows lollipops yesterday,' he  said moodily. 'Well, I say yesterday, but how can you tell? And he follows the man  around like a  dog. No one ever laid a punch on Banjo since our mam died. He's just like  a little  boy,  you know. Inside. Always  has been.  Looks  to  me for everything. Used to be, if I told him "punch someone", he'd do it.'

     'And they stayed punched.'

     'Yeah. Now he follows him around everywhere. It makes me sick.'

     'What are you doing here, then?'

     'Ten thousand dollars. And he says there's more, you know. More than we can imagine.'

     He was always Teatime.

     'He ain't just after money.'

     -7

     'Yeah, well, I didn't sign up for world domination,' said  Medium Dave. 'That sort of thing gets you into trouble.'

     'I  remember your  mam  saying  that sort  of thing,' said Chickenwire.

Medium  Dave rolled  his  eyes.  Everyone  remembered  Ma  Lilywhite.  'Very straight lady, was your ma. Tough but fair.'

     'Yeah ... tough.'

     'I  recall that  time  she  strangled Glossy  Ron with  his  own  leg,' Chickenwire went on. 'She had a wicked right arm on her, your mam.'

     'Yeah. Wicked.'

     'She wouldn't have stood for someone like Teatime.'

     'Yeah,' said Medium Dave.

     'That was a lovely funeral you boys gave her. Most of the Shades turned up.  Very  respectful. All  them  flowers. An' everyone looking  so  ...' Chickenwire floundered'... happy. In a sad way, o' course.'

     'Yeah.'

     'Have you got any idea how to get back home?'

     Medium Dave shook his head.

     'Me neither. Find the place again, I suppose.' Chickenwire shivered. 'I mean, what he did to that carter ... I  mean, well, I wouldn't even act like that to me own dad ...'

     'Yeah.'

     'Ordinary  mental, yes, I can  deal with that.  But  he can be talking quite normal, and then-'

     'Yeah.'

     'Maybe the both of us could creep up on him and ...'

     'Yeah, yeah. And how long'll we live? In seconds!

     'We could get lucky ... ' Chickenwire began.

     'Yeah? You've  seen him. This isn't  one of those  blokes who threatens you. This is one of those blokes who'd kill you soon as look at you. Easier, too. We got to hang on, right? It's like that saying about riding a tiger.'

     'What saying about riding a tiger?' said Chickenwire suspiciously.

     'Well ...' Medium Dave hesitated.  'You ...  well,  you get branches slapping you in the face, fleas, that sort of thing. So you got to  hang on. Think of the money. There's bags of it in there. You saw it.'

     'I keep thinking of. that glass eye watching me. I keep thinking it can see right in my head.'

     'Don't worry, he doesn't suspect you of anything.,

     'How d'you know?'

     'You're still alive, yeah?'

     In the Grotto of the Hogfather, a round-eyed child.

HAPPY  HOGSWATCH. HO.  HO.  HO.  AND  YOUR NAME IS ...  EUPHRASIA COAT, CORRECT?

     'Go on, dear, answer the nice man.'

     ' 's.'

AND YOU ARE SIX YEARS OLD.

     'Go on, dear. They're all the same at this age, aren't they . . .'

     ' 's.'

AND YOU WANT A PONY

     ' 's.' A  small hand pulled  the Hogfather's hood  down to mouth level. Heavy Uncle Albert heard a  ferocious whispering. Then  the Hogfather leaned back.

YES, I KNOW. WHAT A NAUGHTY PIG IT WAS, INDEED.

     His shape flickered for a moment, and then a hand went into the sack.

HERE IS A BRIDLE FOR YOUR PONY, AND A SADDLE, AND A RATHER STRANGE HARD HAT  AND  A PAIR OF  THOSE TROUSERS THAT MAKE  YOU LOOK AS THOUGH YOU HAVE A LARGE RABBIT IN EACH POCKET.

     'But we can't have a pony, can we, Euffie, because we live on the third floor . .

     OH, YES. IT'S IN THE KITCHEN.

     'I'm  sure  you're  making  a  little  joke, Hogfather,'  said  Mother, sharply.

HO. HO. YES.  WHAT  A JOLLY FAT  MAN I AM. IN THE KITCHEN? WHAT A JOKE. DOLLIES AND SO ON WILL BE DELIVERED LATER AS PER YOUR LETTER.

     'What do you say, Euffie?'

     ' ' nk you.'

     ' 'ere, you didn't really put a pony in their  kitchen, did you?'  said Heavy Uncle Albert as the line moved on.

     DON'T BE FOOLISH, ALBERT. I SAID THAT TO BE JOLLY.

     'Oh, right. Hah, for a minute ...'

     IT'S IN THE BEDROOM.

     'Ah . .

MORE HYGIENIC.

     'Well,  it'll  make  sure of  one  thing,'  said  Albert. 'Third floor?

They're going to believe all right.'

     YES. YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M GETTING THE HANG OF THIS. HO. HO. HO.

     At the Hub of the Discworld, the snow burned blue and green. The Aurora Corealis  hung in  the sky,  curtains of  pale  cold fire  that circled  the central mountains and cast their spectral light over the ice.

     They billowed,  swirled and then trailed  a  ragged arm on  the  end of which  was  a tiny dot that became, when the eye of imagination drew nearer, Binky.

     He trotted to a halt and stood on the air. Susan looked down.

     And then found what  she was  looking  for.  At the end of a valley  of snow-mounded trees something gleamed brightly, reflecting the sky.

     The Castle of Bones.

     Her  parents had sat her down one day when she  was about  six or seven and explained  how  such things  as the Hogfather did not  really exist, how they were pleasant little stories that it was fun to know, how they were not real. And she had believed it. All the fairies and bogeymen, all those stories from the  blood and bone of humanity, were not really real.