Dear Sir,

This is a most unusua

realize. But please re

because what I am pro

both you and me. My wa 5

College has just take

final examinations in G

in about ten or twelve

an old man and I am de

how she has got on ah 10

The reason for my r

ridiculously impatient

to America in a few

able to be contacte

want to know how J 15

this. I have spent a

education, and she is

I realize that this

only that you should g

to such an impropriet 20

publication of the cl

July.

If you can possibly se

shall be in a positi

unconventionally. You s 25

most select clubs, sa

give you a completely

delights which are as

Please do give me a r

may be, at 01-417 808 30

you feel able to do

result, I shall give

able to enjoy, at no c

the most discreet er

ever imagined. 35

You

Morse sat back and studied the words with great joy. He’d been a lifelong addict of puzzles and of cryptograms, and this was exactly the sort of work his mind could cope with confidently. First he enumerated the lines in 5’s (as shown above); then he set his mind to work. It took him ten minutes, and another ten minutes to copy out his first draft. The general drift of the letter required no Aristotelian intellect to decipher-primarily because of the give-away clue in line 7. But it had been none too easy to concoct some continuum over a few of the individual word-breaks, especially “wa – “ in line 5; “ah – “ in line 10; “cl-”in line 21; and “sa-” in line 26. This is the first draft that Morse wrote out:

Dear Sir,

This is a most unusua l letter as I know you’ll

realize. But please re ad it with great care

because what I am pro posing can benefit

both you and me. My wa strel daughter at _

College has just take n (without much hope) her

final examination in G eography, and will get the result

in about ten or twelve days time. Now I am

an old man and I’m de speratly anxious to know

how she has got on ah ead of the official lists.

The reason for my r equest is that I am

ridiculously impatient, and in fact I am off

to America in a few dfays time where I may not be

able to be contacte d for some while. All I

want to know is how J -got on, if you can tell me

this. I have spent a great deal of money on her

education, and she is the only child I have.

I realize that this is a improper request. I ask

only that you should g ive a thought to stooping

to such an impropriet y. I think the official date for

publication of the cl ass list is-

July.

If you can possibly se e your way to this favour

I shall be in a positi t to pay you very well if

ununconventionally. You s ee I manage some of the

most select clubs, sa unas and parlours and I will

give you a completely free access to the sexual

delights which are as sociated with such places

Please do give me a r ing whatever your decision

May be at 01-417-808 -. If it so happens that

You fell able to do what I ask about J

Result I shall give you details about how you’ll be

Able to enjoy at no c ost at all to yourself,

The most discreet er otic thrills you can have

Ever imagined

You rs sincerely

Morse was reasonably pleased with the draft. It lacked polish here and there, but it wasn’t bad at all, really. Three specific problems, of course: the name of the college, the name of the girl, and the last bit of the telephone number. The college would be a bit more difficult now that almost all of them accepted women, but…

Suddenly Morse sat at his desk quite motionless, the blood tingling across his shoulders. Could it be that “G- “? It needn’t be Geography or Geology or Geophysics or whatever. And it wasn’t. It was Greatsl And that “J-”? That wasn’t Judith or Joanna or Jezebel. It was Jane-the girl the Master had indiscreetly mentioned to him! And that would solve the college automatically: it was Lonsdalel

Phew!

The telephone number wouldn’t be much of a problem, either, since Lewis could soon sort that out. If it was a four-digit group, that would only mean ten possibilities; and if it was five digits, that was only a hundred; and Lewis was a very patient man…

But the tooth was jabbing its pain along his jaw once more, and he made his way home, where doubling (as he invariably did) thedosage of all medical nostrums he took six Aspros, washed them down well with whisky, and went to bed. But at 2 a.m. we findhim sittingup in bed, his hand caressing his jaw, the pain jumping in his gum like some demented dervish. And at 8a.m. we find him standing outside a deserted dentist’s premises in North Oxford,an inordinately long scarf wrapped round his jaw, waiting desperately for one of the receptionists to arrive.

Wherein such diverse activities as dentistry, crossword-solving, and pike-angling make their appropriate contributions to Morse’s view of things.

‘You’ve not been looking after these too well, have you, Mr Morse?’

Since at this point, however, the dapperly dressed dentist had his patient’s mouth opened to its widest extremities, Morse was able only to produce a strained grunt from his swollen larynx.

‘You ought to cut out the sugar,’ continued the dentist, surveying so many signs of incipient decay, ‘and some dental floss wouldn’t come amiss with all this… Ah! I reckon that’s the little fellow that’s been causing you-’ He tapped one of the lower-left molars with a blunt instrument, and the recumbent Morse was almost levitated in agony. ‘Ye-es, you’ve got a nasty little infection there… does that hurt?’

Again Morse’s body jumped in agonizing pain, before the chair was raised to a semi-vertical slant and he was ordered to ‘rinse out”.

‘You’ve got a nasty little infection there, as I say…’

Everything with the dentist appeared to warrant the epithet ‘little’, and Morse would have been more gratified had it been suggested to him that he was the victim of a massive great bloody infection stemming from an equally massive great bloody tooth that even now was throbbing mightily. He continued to sit in the chair, but the dentist himself was writing something across at his desk.

‘Aren’t you going to take it out?’ asked Morse.

The dentist continued writing. ‘We try to preserve as many teeth as we can these days, you know. And it’s particularly important for you not to lose many more. You haven’t got too many left, have you?’

‘But it’s giving me -’

‘Here’s a prescription for a little pencillin. Don’t worry! It’ll soon sort out the infection and get that little swelling down. Then if you come and see me again in-a week, shall we say?’

‘A week?

‘I can’t do anything till then. If I took it out now-well, let’s say you’d have to be a brave man, Mr Morse.’

‘Would I?’ said Morse weakly. He finally rose from the chair, and his eyes wandered to the shelf of plaster-casts of teeth behind the dentist’s desk, the upper jaws resting on the lower, a few canines missing here, a few molars there. It all seemed rather obscene to Morse, and reminded him of his junior-school history books, with their drawings of skulls labelled with such memorable names as Eoanthropus dawsoni, Pithecanthropus erectus, and the rest.

The dentist saw his interest and reached down a particularly ugly cast, snapping the jaws apart and together again like a ventriloquist at a dumb-show. ‘Remarkable things teeth, you know. No two sets of teeth can ever be the same. Each set-well, it’s unique, like fingerprints.’ He looked at the squalid lump of plastering with infinite compassion, and it seemed quite obvious that teeth obsessed not only his working life but his private soul as well.