Her eyes flick up at my last words.
”Don’t,“ I warn her.
”Penn, what’s going on? We worked together all through the Del Payton case. I helped you with your investigation, and you fed me parts of the story.“
”That was a different situation.“
”Was it? Or was it just that in that case you could exploit me in return?“
I hate to admit it, but she might be right.
”Just tell me this,“ she says. ”Is the possibility that you might run for mayor what kept you from representing Drew?“
I sigh heavily. ”Probably so.“
A deep sadness fills her eyes. ”You’re becoming a politician already.“
”No. A realist.“
”I was afraid you didn’t represent him because you thought he’d killed Kate.“
”No.“
”Good. I’m glad.“ She forks a small piece of catfish into her mouth. ”The seasoning is perfect on this. Wow.“
”You can’t get it like that in Boston.“
Caitlin rolls her eyes.
”What do you think about Drew and Kate?“ I ask. ”Not the case-their relationship.“
She takes a long drink of wine. ”I understand it. They both got something they wanted-maybe even needed-from the relationship.“
”What did Drew get?“
”The adoration of a beautiful and brilliant young girl. He got to break Thomas Wolfe’s rule and go home again. And he got the possibility of a whole new life with a person a lot like himself. That’s probably a more powerful rush than heroin to a guy like Drew.“ Caitlin smiles strangely. ”Can you imagine the ecstasy he must have felt making love to Kate? I mean, that’s like evolutionary nirvana.You know?“
No, I don’t,I think, as an image of Mia flashes behind my eyes. ”What did Kate get out of it?“
”Apart from the obvious? The Freudian thing?“
”You mean Drew as father figure?“
”Sure,“ Caitlin says, laughing. ”Kate’s dad left the family when she was six-something she shares with Mia Burke, by the way. I don’t think Mia ever even knew her father.“
”No. He left when Mia was two.“
”All love is transactional by nature,“ Caitlin says, chewing thoughtfully. ”The boost to Kate’s self-image must have been enormous. Being wanted by Drew didn’t just make her feel loved-it made her feelworth being loved. You can’t overestimate the value of that to an adolescent girl. And of course she got other benefits. Her intimacy with Drew probably gave her a five-year jump on her classmates in real-world relationships.“
”It sounds like you don’t really have a problem with what happened.“
Caitlin shrugs. ”I know people get all bent out of shape about this kind of affair, but what do they expect? Half the models we see in magazines are sixteen or seventeen years old. Ad agencies dress them up like twenty- and thirty-year-olds, but that’s just costume. The truth is, no woman over twenty-three can look like those models. That kind of perfection is the province of late adolescence. So we hold up these perfect little girls to the world as the zenith of desirability, and what happens? Duh. Men desire them, and women get depressed because they can’t attain their perfection. It’s pathetic. It says so much about who we are as a society.“
I finally take my first bite of duck.
”The thing is,“ Caitlin goes on, ”men like Drew-men who are rich or famous or still handsome and charismatic-they can actually possess girls like that. I give Kate credit, too-she wasn’t some bimbo who couldn’t balance a checkbook. She was accepted to Harvard, for God’s sake. But still, she would have paid a price in the end. Even if she wasn’t murdered. And so would Drew.“
”Isn’t there a price to be paid in every relationship?“
She gives me a wry look. ”Point taken.“
”I didn’t mean us.“
”But it’s true.“ Caitlin wags her finger at me. ”No sugarcoating.“
She’s silent for a bit, but I can tell she’s thinking. ”You know,“ she says, ”one thing you might bring up in Drew’s defense is the fact that he had very little choice of partners.“
”What do you mean?“
”I’m talking about his affair with Kate, not the murder. After the economic downturn here, the middle class vanished. There simply aren’t any single women between thirty and forty here. Not the kind Drew would be interested in. The bright women in this town of that age are married or divorced. And if you’re looking for brilliant ones, forget it. To start fresh, he almost had to go with someone as young as Kate, because girls like that leave here at eighteen and never come back.“
Caitlin is right, although her argument would probably offend every woman on the jury.
”I mean,“ she goes on, ”who the hell would you be dating if I hadn’t shown up here?“
I don’t even want to think about that. I put down my fork and look into her eyes. ”Earlier you said that you couldn’t imagine being with anyone else but me.“
”That’s right.“
” Areyou with anyone else? When you’re away, I mean.“
She looks at me with disbelief. ”Absolutely not. I’d never do that to you.“ She starts to take a sip of wine, then stops with her glass poised in midair. ”Are you?“
”No. Not even close.“
She watches me a little longer, then drinks her wine. After she swallows, she takes a bite of stuffed potato and says, ”Mia’s in love with you, by the way.“
A lump of duck sticks in my throat. ”What?“
”You haven’t realized that yet? I saw it through your window in five minutes. I’m not saying she knows what love is, just that shethinks she’s in love. So, for all practical purposes, she is.“
”And I should do what about this?“
Caitlin looks up at me, her eyes inscrutable. ”Be careful. We were just discussing the lack of available partners. Drew is a handy object lesson.“
”Jesus.“
”No evolutionary nirvana for you, buster.“
I take her hand and smile. ” You’reevolutionary nirvana for me.“
She smiles with genuine pleasure. ”I am ten years younger than you, old man.“
I laugh so loudly that the waiter sticks his head into the room. I motion for him to leave us alone.
”So, are we sleeping together or not?“ Caitlin asks in a casual voice. ”I miss it.“
”Do you?“
Her voice drops in pitch but becomes richer somehow. ”This is the longest I’ve gone without sex in years. So anytime you’re ready, you let me know, okay?“
”Okay.“
She gives me one of her feline smiles. ”Couldn’t we declare détente and return to hostilities in the morning?“
I reach out and take her hand.
”Finish your duck,“ she says. ”Annie’s waiting for us, and I don’t want the movie to take all night.“
Two hours later, I’m sitting in the glow of the flat-panel television in my home theater, a converted guest room on the first floor. Annie has nestled between Caitlin and me, her eyes glued to the television as Nemo swims brightly across the screen. Above Annie’s head, my fingers are threaded into the soft hair at the base of Caitlin’s neck. The last few minutes of our dinner at the Castle seemed so natural, they could have happened before any of our tensions came into being. But despite the promise of sex in the air, something seems wrong.
It’s been too long since Caitlin and I made love. I miss it at least as much as she, and yet…something is short-circuiting the desire I should feel for her. The pessimism in her dinner speech really hit me wrong, and some of what she said actually offended me. Caitlin truly was a liberal when she arrived in Natchez, and she routinely chastised me for being too conservative. But now it seems that her liberal ”convictions“ weren’t convictions at all, but rather easy opinions based on the lectures of Ivy League professors. After a few years in the South, she’s ready to give up on racial harmony and flee to more ”enlightened“-read homogenous-environs.
As for my sexual desire, that’s been running in overdrive for weeks now. Like Drew, I have consciously turned away from many women willing to ease that tension. Opportunity is always present in a town like this, where wives easily become bored with their limited routines. Every day those women present to the world a perfectly coiffed and manicured lady, but inside they’re like captive panthers pacing their cages. I haven’t yet sought solace there during Caitlin’s absences, but tonight, with Caitlin actually lying beside me in anticipation of sex, I don’t want solace here either. It’s a predicament, but my solution is simple and time tested-though never by me.