It somehow sounded good when Mel said it. He could almost believe it himself. He had made some critical mistakes of judgment. That was what he had to get across. He had acted blindly, stupidly-out of greed. But he never knew whom he was dealing with or what they were doing with the gold. Tomorrow morning they had a follow-up meeting with the government that would likely determine the next twenty years of his life.

“But this last thing, Ben, this Berroa guy…this complicates matters. It’s bad. I mean, they have your voice on tape. Discussing the same arrangements with an FBI agent.” Mel looked at him closely. “Look, this is important, Ben. We’ve been friends a lot of years. Is there anything you’re not telling me that could have an impact on this case? Anything the government might know? Now’s the time.”

Raab stared Mel in the eye. Mel had been his friend for more than ten years. “No.”

“Well, one thing’s lucky.” The lawyer looked relieved and jotted a few notes on his pad. “You’re lucky you’re not the one they really want here. Otherwise there’d be nothing to discuss.” Mel kept his gaze on him awhile, then just shook his head. “What the hell were you possibly thinking, Ben?”

Raab dropped his head back and closed his eyes. Twenty years of his life, gone…“I don’t know.”

What he did know was that the hardest part was yet to come. That would take place when he arrived home. When he walked in the door and had to explain to his family, who had trusted and respected him, how the smoothly climbing arc that had been their lives the past two decades had basically been blown from the sky. How everything they counted on and took for granted was gone.

He’d always been the rock, the provider. He always talked about pride and family. His handshake was his bond. Now everything was about to change.

Raab felt his stomach churn. What would they think of him? How would they understand?

The car pulled off the thruway at Exit 16, traveled north along Palmer into the town of Larchmont. These were the streets, stores, and markets he saw every day.

By tomorrow this would all be public. It would be in the papers. It would be all over the club, the local shops, Em and Justin ’s school.

Raab’s stomach started to grind.

One day they’ll understand, he told himself. One day, they will have to see me the same way. As a husband and a provider. As a father. As the person he’d always been. And forgive me.

He had been a coach to Emily. He had given Kate her insulin shots when she was ill. He had been a good husband to Sharon. All these years.

That was no lie.

The limo turned down Larchmont Avenue, heading toward the water. Raab tensed. The houses grew familiar. These were the people he knew. People his kids went to school with.

On Sea Wall the Lincoln turned right, and then it was only a short block with the sound directly in front of them, to the large fieldstone pillars, and then on to the spacious Tudor house at the end of the landscaped drive.

Raab let out a measured breath.

He knew he had let them down-their faith, their trust. But there was no turning back now. And he knew that what happened today would not be the end of it.

When the truth came out, he would let them down a whole lot more.

“You want me to come in with you?” Mel asked, squeezing Raab’s arm as the car pulled into the pebbled driveway.

“No.” Raab shook his head.

It was only a house. What’s important is the people in it. Whatever he’d had to do, his family hadn’t been a lie.

“This I have to do alone.”

Kate was in the kitchen with her mother and Em when the black limo turned down the drive.

“It’s Dad!” Emily shouted, still in her squash clothes. She made a beeline for the front door.

Kate saw her mother’s hesitation. It was as if she couldn’t move, or was afraid to. As if she were afraid what opening that door would reveal.

“It’s going to be okay.” Kate took her arm and led her to the door. “Whatever it is, you know, Dad’ll make it okay.”

Sharon nodded.

They watched him climb out of the car, accompanied by Mel Kipstein, whom Kate knew from the club. Emily bolted down the flagstone steps and straight into her father’s arms. “Daddy!”

Raab just stood there for a moment, hugging her, staring up at Kate and her mom over his younger daughter’s shoulder as they stood on the landing. He had an ashen shadow on his face. He could barely look at them.

“Oh, Ben…” Sharon slowly came down the steps, tears in her eyes. They hugged. A hug aching with worry and uncertainty, deeper than Kate could remember seeing in years.

“Pumpkin.” Her father’s face brightened as his eyes met Kate’s. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Of course I’m here, Daddy.” Kate ran down to the driveway and put her arms around him, too. She placed her head on his shoulder. She could never remember seeing shame on her father’s face before.

“And you too, champ.” He reached out for Justin, who had just come up behind them, mussing his son’s shaggy brown hair.

“Hey, Dad.” Justin leaned against him. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” He did his best to smile. “I am now.”

Together they went inside.

For Kate, the huge stone house by the water had never really felt like home. “Home” had been the more modest, fifties ranch where she’d grown up in Harrison, a couple of towns away. With her cramped corner room covered in posters of U-2 and Gwyneth Paltrow, the marshy little pond in back, and the constant whoosh of traffic off the back deck from the Hutchinson Parkway.

But Raab had bought this place in her senior year. His dream house-with its large Palladian windows overlooking the sound, the gargantuan kitchen with two of everything-Sub-Zeros, dishwashers-the flashy basement theater some Wall Street guy had decked out to the nines, the five-car garage.

They all took a seat in the tall, beamed living room. Kate, with her mother, in front of the fireplace. Emily plopped herself on her father’s lap in the high-backed leather chair. Justin pulled up the tufted ottoman.

There was a weird, uncomfortable silence.

“So we gonna start with your day,” Kate quipped, trying to cut the tension, “or would you like to hear about mine?”

That made her dad smile. “First, I don’t want any of you to be afraid,” he said. “You’re going to hear some terrible things about me. The most important thing is that you understand I’m innocent. Mel says we’ve got a solid case.”

“Of course we know you’re innocent, Ben,” said Sharon. “But innocent of what?”

Kate’s dad let out a nervous breath and gently moved Emily to an adjacent chair.

“Money laundering. Conspiracy to commit fraud. Aiding and abetting a criminal enterprise-that enough?”

“Conspiracy…” Sharon ’s jaw dropped open. “Conspiracy with whom, Ben?”

“Basically, what they’re saying”-he locked his fingers together-“is that I provided some merchandise to people who ultimately did some bad things with it.”

“Merchandise?” Emily echoed, not understanding.

“Gold, honey.” Ben exhaled.

“So what’s wrong with that?” Kate shrugged. “You’re in the trading business, aren’t you? That’s what you do.”

“Believe me, I tried to make that point-but in this case I may have made some mistakes.”

Sharon stared at him. “You provided this gold to whom, Ben? What kind of people are we talking about?”

Raab swallowed. He moved his chair a little closer to her and wrapped his fingers around her hand.

“Drug traffickers, Sharon. Colombians.”

Sharon let out a gasp-half laughing, half incredulous. “You must be kidding, Ben.”

“Now, I didn’t know who they were, and all I did was provide the gold, Sharon, you have to believe that. But there’s more. I introduced them to someone. Someone who altered what I sold them. In an illegal way. Into things like tools, bookends, desk ornaments-and painted them over. So they could ship them back home.”