Jan. 16

Dear Harold:

We cant sleep during the day. theres no chairs. I sneaked into a corner and I think I sleeped but they caught me and made me get up. you see theres lots of us in the room. Its big and has some great big wooden benches, you cant pick them up or even hardly move them I dont think. They let us out sometimes to go pee pee but I dont think some people go there, we are in this room all day. I think they play music. Theres a couple of girls they walk around all day. I think Ive been in this room before. I dont think this is the first day. Maybe for lots of days. I dont know they dont tell me but its warmer today, and the birds were noisy this morning very noisy but its warmer anyway. Why is that harold? how come its warm and theres day light when the birds screamed this morning? I think they scream every morning, its so terrible its like a million zillion monkeys or little babys making funny noises only its not the same but every morning when its still dark they make a terrible racket and then this woman comes around and screams to get up and sometimes bangs the bed. but we dont have to walk far to the eating place its just outside. I think and the showers too sometimes. I can get by the window for a while and I see people walking around outside, it looks cold.

Jan. 26

Dear Harold:

Im pretty sure Ive written other letters. I cant seem to remember too well. I think I have some from you which I read today, but I dont seem to remember them but Im glad you wrote. I dont remember the holidays but I hope the children had fun and liked the tree and santa. I wonder how come I dont remember the holidays? I guess maybe I was in here I dont think I know how long. I think they said I came here the day before the day before Christmas eve. I know it was something about Christmas or Christmas eve but I cant remember if it was Christmas eve or the day before. O Harold I didnt want to miss Christmas eve again I really didnt. I wanted to be home I honestly to goodness did want to be home with my family with you on Christmas eve so we could fill the stockings and put up the tree and put the presents around, and the lights I love the lights on the tree with the big white angel on top and the blue light under it. O remember how Bobby clapped his hands the first time he saw the angel, he thought it flew to the top of the tree and wanted it to fly down, and he waited and waited and Im sorry harold please forgive me for not being home on Christmas eve. how are the children? are they alright? did they have a good Christmas? did the gramas and granpas make big over them? I hope it was a good Christmas, did you eat lots of nice pies and stuff. I hope the children had a good time, are they alright? O Harold I wish you would write, how are you?

Jan. 28

Dear Harold:

There are so many of us in this room. Have you seen it! when you were here? I dont think so I think they dont have visitors here only in the visiting room where you sit with your visitors, there are a lot of us in the room and some of them are so angry and growl and sometimes hit. I think maybe some of them are bad. but Im being good, the attendants call them bad and take them out someplace and sometimes they scream but I guess youve never seen this room, theres a window on the door, its always locked, we are put in here right after breakfast except if we have a shower and sometimes we can brush our hair, sometimes I get up early enough to brush my hair, the birds are always making noises before sunrise, its an awful racket and sometimes I get up before the attendant comes and screams to get up and brush my hair, at least I know I did it this morning, they dont let you have a comb but I dont like one anyway. I think maybe Ive gotten up a couple of times and brushed my hair before breakfast. Im trying to eat like they tell me so I can get some strength and go home. Im sorry I missed the holiday but they said if I eat and get strong I can go home and even if I wasnt home for Christmas eve and the holidays. I could maybe be alright to go home for easter. If not for good maybe at least anyway on a pass. I wish I wasnt here. I dont like it here. Im scared. I wish I was home. I think its the pills that make me so tired. Im being good, its different ones now. theyre green. Im not so tired but sometimes I just wish I could lie down and take a nap even just a little nap. its so hard to move I can hardly lift my feet sometimes. I just sort of shuffle and these funny slippers they give us keep coming off. O how are the children? I miss them so much. I wish they didnt run around so much. I hope mother doesnt let them run around so much back and forth all day. tell them I miss them and give them a big kiss from me and make sure theyre quiet, they wont bother you to get upset.

Feb.4

Dear Harold:

There was a terrible big fight here last nite. after they opened the doors to the dormitory where we sleep, they open them I think about 8 oclock and you can go to bed after night time pills, one of the women walks around the room all day, the room we're locked in all day, and growls and swears and they dont seem to growl at anyone but just sort of to themselves, they frighten me. I wish they were somewhere else. I try and watch them all day so they cant hurt me but sometimes Im so sleepy I cant keep my eye on them, and sometimes they just scream out loud and slap the air like windmills or maybe its not all of them but only the one, the one I was telling you about who started the big fight, she suddenly grabbed another woman and accused her of taking her Sunday shoes and started to strangle her and the woman started hitting her and we all screamed and some of them started pounding on the door but they wouldnt open the door and it was really terrible and I was scared to death but I was good, and the woman kept choking her and finally the attendants came in and grabbed the women and dragged her away but the strangling lady wouldnt stop screaming about her Sunday shoes and she starting hitting the attendants, and so the attendants dragged her into a room and kept her there for awhile and there was an awful commotion and when they brought her out she was in a straightjacket and couldnt stand and they dragged her down the hall but they wouldnt let us watch, they put us all back in the room and locked the door. I didnt see her today, a lady whispered to me that they put her in a dungeon way way down under the building. I dont think I believe that.

Feb. 10

Dear Harold:

They let me watch television for a while last night. It was nice, its a nice room with regular chairs, you know, lounge chairs and those other plastic ones. I sat in a plastic chair, but if I get to the t.v. room earlier I might be able to get a regular sitting chair, it was kind of relaxing. I mean everyone seemed to be quiet and some of the ladies were sleeping, mostly the ones in the easy chairs, it didnt seem fair that they took up the really good chairs and slept. I wish they would let them go to bed and then maybe I could have one of those chairs but maybe if I get there earlier tonight, theyre going to let me go every night, most of the people there are from the open wards, were in what they call the locked ward because were locked in all day. theres only 3 of us allowed from the locked ward, were being good, the people on the open wards have a lot of places they can walk around. I think they can even go outside but its cold now. theres a canteen where you can get things and they can go there. I think they also have a movie sometimes and other things, a library too. maybe if I keep being good theyll put me on an open ward and I can get one of those nice big easy chairs to sit in. during the day too. how are you?

Feb. 15

Dear Harold:

It was a nice visit, thank you for coming on Valentines Day. you look so handsome in your suit, and thats my favorite tie. Im so glad you wore it. I was really sorry when the visiting time was over, its always so sad to see all those people walking down the path to the cars and buses, we stay by the window when they let us and watch the visitors go. sometimes we stay there a longtime afterwards, they tell us its not good to do that, that we upset ourselves but its so hard to leave the window even after theres nobody there anymore. I watched a candy wrapper blow down the walk and across the street. I watched it all the way to the fence. I couldnt see if it went through the fence. Im still allowed to go to the open ward at night, now right after supper, we sit in the chairs and talk or just sit. I like the television too. there was some funny programs on last night, we laughed a lot. at least some of us did. I guess its not such a loud laugh but we do laugh, sometimes some ladies just sleep. I dont seem to be as sleepy as I was. Im only getting 2 little pills a day now. I hope you can visit soon. I miss you. its been so long since Ive seen you. I know its hard with kids yelling and screaming and running around, maybe in a bigger place, they wont upset you. are you feeling better?