Q: Tell me about that. When was that?

A: In ’59. In July. There were three boys and me. They robbed the place, then we found we were going to get caught, so they drove the car down the hill. It belonged to one of the boys’ brothers. And we were speeding as fast as we could down this curvy road and there were police cars following us and one went in a ditch. We made it all the way down the hill, then we went the wrong way on a one-way street and about five cars finally stopped us.

Q: Police cars?

A: Uh-huh.

Q: Were you scared?

A: Oh, yeah. I couldn’t look half the time.

Q: What happened to you?

A: Well, I was young, you know, so they just let me go with Mom. But they kept me at detention for a while.

Q: Why did you do that-rob that place?

A: I was pretty drunk and I could never remember it all. Even in court. I had to testify, but I could never remember if we knew what was gonna happen. We were all plowed. All I know was Bones went to the place where you pay and held a knife at the woman’s neck and threatened to rip it. He didn’t hurt her though. I think it was all spur of the moment. We were like that then. Live for the moment. The Cobras were always saying something like that.

Q: Did it frighten you to get arrested?

A: I wasn’t scared of being arrested. I’d been arrested before. I was scared of detention. I didn’t like that.

Q: What’s “detention”?

A: Where they keep you if you’re a juvenile. I didn’t like being locked up.

Q: When were you arrested before?

A: When I stabbed that boy.

Q: You stabbed someone?

A: Andy Trask.

Q: Andy Trask?

A: It was a pocketknife that I carried in my pocket. I didn’t really hurt him bad. I just scared him. They let me go when Momma came.

Q: Why did you stab him?

A: It was at a school hop and he wanted to get smart with me and I wouldn’t let him.

Q: What do you mean, “get smart”?

A: You know, feel me up and such. I…He scared me.

Q: Didn’t you like it when he wanted to touch you?

A: I liked that he wanted to…That he wanted me, but not how he did it.

Q: How did he do it?

A: He was rough, like my…like George. He tried to push me down in the back seat of his car.

Q: Who is George?

A: My…my stepfather…He would be drunk, you know, and he would beat Momma, then make her, you know, do it and we would have to watch. He would make us.

He was just out of his mind. That was why Momma left him. She could take it, but she was scared for us.

Q: And this boy was like your stepfather?

A: He was drinking, then he pushed me and ordered me. I like boys to be gentle. To say I’m pretty. I’m not…

Q: Okay, Esther, you can relax. I can see that this is upsetting to you, so let’s go on. Do you think you can do that?

(NOD)

Q: Okay. Let’s push ahead now. Let’s think about late 1960 and just let things come to mind. Can you still see the movie screen? Good. Now keep watching it and pretty soon the scene will wipe out and a new scene will come on, a little later in the year. In November. You can see a party on the screen. Do you see it?

A: All I can see is a Christmas party.

Q: Well, Esther, we have discussed this party before. This is the one at Alice Fay’s house. I want you to see Alice’s house on the screen. The thick carpets that you walked on. Do you remember? It felt like walking on clouds.

A: Yes.

Q: You can take your shoes off and walk around in it. How does it feel?

A: Like floating. Like I’m in the sky.

Q: Good. You’re smiling. Are there other people there?

A: Oh, sure. It’s a party.

Q: What are they doing, Esther?

A: Dancing. Having fun.

Q: Who are you with, Esther?

A: Roger. And Billy and Bobby Coolidge are there too.

Q: Who is Roger?

A: Roger Hessey. He’s my boyfriend…was my boyfriend, then.

Q: Going steady?

A: Just…we dated.

Q: Did Roger stay through the whole party?

A: No. He left when the trouble started.

Q: What trouble?

A: Billy started some trouble.

Q: What did he do?

A: He was fighting. Roger didn’t want to fight, so he left.

Q: Why didn’t you go with Roger?

A: I don’t know.

ROY SHINDLER: Billy used a knife when he fought, didn’t he?

A: I don’t remember.

Q: Look at the screen, Esther. Can you see the room in Alice’s house where the party is?

A: Yes.

Q: Do you see yourself and Billy and Bobby with all the other people?

A: I can see that.

Q: You see Tommy Cooper, too, don’t you? See him on the screen?

A: I…

Q: Just relax and look hard. You’ll see Tommy and Alice by the punch bowl and Bobby and Billy there, too. Tell me when you can see that.

A: I can see them.

Q: Tell me about the fight. On the screen, Tommy and Billy are fighting, aren’t they?

A: I can’t see the fight. Honest. It was very fast.

Q: But you can see Billy with the knife, can’t you? Look on the screen. See the table with the punch bowl. Billy is standing in front of it, isn’t he?

A: Yes.

Q: How is he dressed?

A: His colors. His black leather jacket with Cobras on the back. And blue jeans. Tight ones.

Q: You see that clearly?

A: Billy always dressed like that.

Q: Okay. And you see the knife. The switchblade knife in his hand?

A: I don’t…I can’t see that.

Q: Billy had a knife like that, didn’t he Esther? Didn’t he show it around all the time?

A: I…It’s been a long time.

DR. HOLLANDER: Relax, Esther. There is no need to get upset. Remember, you are looking at a movie screen. Things that happen on a movie screen cannot hurt you, can they?

A: No.

Q: Good. And I am here to help you, aren’t I?

A: Yes.

Q: I have helped you to become the strong, confident woman you have always wanted to be, haven’t I? Like I promised you. Isn’t that so?

A: Yes.

Q: And you feel confident and strong now, don’t you?

A: I…

Q: How do you feel now, Esther?

A: Scared.

Q: Okay. Then I want you to alert yourself.

A: Okay.

Q: One, two, three, all right.

A: I was thinking about unhappy things.

Q: I know. You said you were scared. What scared you?

A: I don’t know. I’m not sleeping too good. I had a dream last night…

Q: The same dream you told me about a few weeks ago?

A: Uh-huh. And I feel bad when I’m awake. You’ve been so nice to me. Like, I know you want me to remember, and I try, but I wish I didn’t have to go back.

Q: You don’t have to go back, Esther. We can’t force you to come here.

A: I know.

Q: When you are home, do you practice what I told you when you get upset or scared?

A: You mean, remembering your fingers on my wrist?

Q: Yes.

A: I try. Sometimes it’s hard to concentrate. The baby is so demanding and I have housework.

Q: That’s when you should do it. When you feel the pressure. That is when it will help you the most.

A: I know and I do try sometimes. It’s just that I get upset. I know it’s all inside me. In there. I want to get it out.

Q: Well, you’ll do that. Now relax and get comfortable. Feel those fingers caressing your wrist. Your hand growing light as a feather. I want you to feel, in your whole body, the feeling that every day you are finding yourself a little more like the person you really want to be…

ROY SHINDLER: You remember Billy taking the wine. You remember that, don’t you, Esther?

A: Yes.

Q: Then you drank the wine in the car. Can you see that, Esther?

A: Uh-huh.

Q: How long were you drinking the wine?

A: Gee, I don’t know. You know how you get when you drink too much. I got tired and time got all stretched out.

Q: Then you go cruising downtown, don’t you?

A: I think so.