Maia put her hand on my shoulder comfortingly. “It’s hard to argue that he isn’t! But you have to let Pytheas deal with his own grief while you deal with yours. He’s a grown man, and you shouldn’t be worrying about how he’s grieving. Simmea wouldn’t have wanted you to bottle it all up any more than she’d have wanted Pytheas to howl his out.”

I stared away from her. Clouds were boiling up out of the east and the sea was the color of cold lava, flecked with little white wave-caps. It was hard to believe it was the same sea where I swam in summer, warm and blue. I could see the rocks where Mother and I had often pulled ourselves up to sit for a while before turning back, where I had first been introduced to dolphins. The sea was lashing them now, an angry note of black rock and white spray. The wind was cold and I was glad of my cloak. “It’s so difficult,” I said. “And I can’t just ignore Father. But no ships can sail in this weather.”

“Even Pytheas doesn’t want to send out his expedition until spring,” Maia said.

“I don’t think she would have wanted vengeance,” I said. I had tears in my eyes, but the cold wind carried them away to fall salt into the salt sea.

“I don’t think so either, but I don’t know how to convince Pytheas of that. He calls it justice, but it’s vengeance he means. He just won’t listen—he seems to listen and then he just goes on as if I hadn’t said anything. I don’t understand it. After my father died I didn’t want revenge. But then, there wasn’t anything to revenge myself on—he died of disease. If there had been something, maybe it would have been different. It’s natural to grieve.”

“But it’s not natural to howl?”

Maia shook her head. “It may be natural, but it’s not philosophical. And Simmea was a true philosopher. I miss her too.” She hesitated. “I don’t think any of us understood quite how much Pytheas needed her. This excessive grief doesn’t seem like what I’d have expected of him. He has always been so calm.”

My brothers were no help at all. They had their own grief, of course. “Why did I fight with her so much?” Kallikles asked rhetorically.

“I wish I’d told her how much I loved her,” Phaedrus said.

“I keep wanting to tell her things, and then realizing she’s not there to tell,” Neleus said.

But none of them could really understand how I felt, or how Father felt. They all wanted to join his revenge, once he organized it. I did too. Wrestling and throwing weights in the palaestra gave me a temporary relief. I did feel sometimes that it might have made me feel better to go out with a spear and something clearly marked as an enemy to stick it into. But I knew enough philosophy already to know that it wouldn’t help much. Mother would still be dead no matter how many enemies we sent down to Hades after her. And how could it be just to want vengeance, to return evil for evil?

Erinna was a great comfort, when she had time for me. She was nineteen, a silver, and she had real work to do, learning to sail the Excellence and fighting in the Platean troop. She was my friend, and she had loved Mother. She was lovely-looking, with olive skin and fair hair, which, since she had been assigned to the ship, she wore cut short on the nape of her neck but still curling up over her broad forehead. When she was free she listened to me talk and often did things with me to distract me. She even organized our calculus class into working on our own. Axiothea, one of the Masters from Amazonia, came over once to help us. Erinna was really kind to me during this time, and I treasured every moment I could spend with her. But she was frequently busy, and much in demand, and I didn’t want to waste too much of her precious free time. And naturally, I couldn’t explain to her about Father properly, because really explaining about Father would have meant talking about his true nature.

Erinna is the one who suggested that I should try to write an autobiography. She said that writing things down sometimes helped her to come to terms with them. She said that Mother had told her that, years before. Because it was her advice, and before that Mother’s, I began it, and I found that like wrestling, it helped at the time. So I dealt with my grief by writing autobiography, working hard at the palaestra, and reading history.

The other person who really helped was Crocus. Crocus is a Worker, a robot, and he had been a close friend of Mother’s. We had long ago worked out a way for the Workers to write in wax so there wasn’t a permanent engraved record of every time they wished somebody joy, but he always carved what he wrote about Mother into the paving stones. He wanted to talk about debates they had shared, and he took me to the places where they’d had them. His responses were engraved into the marble, and it comforted us both when he engraved what Mother had said beside them, making them into full dialogues. He knew all about death and what happened to human souls—at least as much as anyone else. But he worried about his own soul, and Sixty-One’s, and the souls of the Workers Athene had taken with her after the Last Debate. We had enough spare parts for Crocus and Sixty-One to last indefinitely, but he wondered whether he should want his soul to move on. He wondered if he would become a human or an animal or another Worker. He mused about why Plato never mentioned Workers. Crocus could always distract me from my own thoughts. Sometimes he would come into Florentia and join me and Ficino when we were debating.

He had built a number of statues—we called them colossi, because they were so immense. They combined hyperrealism—you could see all the hairs up Sokrates’s nose in his Last Debate—with strange outbreaks of fantasy—in that same statue, one of Sokrates’s eyes is already a fly’s multifaceted eye. Parts of them were painted and parts of them were plain marble or other stone. He had decided to make a sculpture of Mother, but he hadn’t decided where. We went together to look at various places in the city he thought might be appropriate. I know he tried to talk to Father about this too. But Father was too sunk in grief to give an opinion—though he did sensibly agree with me that having a colossus of Mother in the garden at Thessaly would be a bad idea.

One day when it was my turn to help cook dinner in Florentia, I came out to eat late and saw Maia and Aeschines sitting with Father and Phaedrus. I took my plate over to join them. Father wasn’t crying at that moment, but his face still had that devastated look. Maia looked firm. Aeschines was looking troubled. He was one of the Children, and father of my friend Baukis. He had been a good friend of Mother’s, though not especially of Father’s. Father found him slow. He was a member of the Chamber, and on a number of important committees.

“Nobody is going to agree to a voyage of vengeance,” Maia was saying as I put my plate down.

Father looked up. “Arete. Joy to you.”

“Joy,” I echoed, though joy was the furthest thing from either of our voices.

“Joy to you, Arete,” Aeschines said. “I haven’t seen you in a long time. You must come and eat with me and Baukis in Ithaka one of these days.”

“Joy, and thank you,” I said. There was a fresco at Ithaka that Mother had painted when she’d been young. When Aeschines invited me, I was suddenly filled with a need to see it. She had painted it so long ago, and she had done better work since, as she always said. But I liked it, especially the way she had shown Odysseus in the harbor that was our own harbor. “I’ll come one day soon,” I promised.

“Baukis will be glad.” He smiled at me in a friendly way, as if he genuinely liked me.

Meanwhile Father had turned back to Maia. “Maybe nobody wants a voyage of vengeance. But how about a voyage of exploration? It’s ridiculous when you think about it, nonsensical for us to be here and know so little about what’s out there right now. Finding Kebes would be an advantage, if we could, whether or not he’s responsible for … for killing Simmea.” His face crumpled up.