I found my own rhythm, straining into the push and pull cadence of our bodies. I jerked out, «Dan …»

He pegged me over and over, deep, powerful thrusts. It went on and on, lightning strikes of pleasure – and who was it said lightning didn't strike the same place twice?

My fists relaxed back into hands, and I reached for Dan, stroking his sides, running my fingertips down his back, fondling whatever I could reach. Trying to tell him with touch that this wasn't an act, that there was no pretense here.

He murmured encouragement. His face bumped my face, his mouth closed over mine, hot and wet and urgent.

Dazed, I realized that he was going to make me come just like this. I didn't think that was possible.

At the same time Dan yelled my name, and I felt liquid seed pouring into me. I began to come, white hot waves shivering through my bones and muscles and nerves. It went on and on, like a supernova.

Then, from a long way away I felt Dan gathering me up against him, saying comforting things – like I would need to be reassured after that. I kissed him back dizzily. Lights out, I thought. Fade to black – although it was more of a soft and restful gray.

«Was it everything you expected?» Dan asked when he got his breath back. His voice was a little dry, but his callused hand was warm on my bare skin, lazy and caressing.

Was it what I had expected? I felt wrung out, used up, boneless. I felt sated. Complete. And at the same time I felt naked and unprotected. But it was okay to be vulnerable with Dan's arms around me. I felt closer to him than I ever felt to anyone in my life.

I shook my head. I didn't begin to know how to answer him. I said, «Are you going to leave me, Dan?» He licked his lips, like this was going to be a difficult thing to say.

I reached for him, and his arms came about me, loving and strong. «I'm sorry for not trusting you, for the stupid things I said, for everything,» I said into his shoulder.

«Shhh. Listen, Sean, I let you down. I screwed up. I should have listened to you. I did think you were letting your fears get the better of you.» He took a deep breath. «I did believe the strain was too much for you.» It was painful to hear; clearly it was equally painful for him to say. «I guess it was,» I admitted.

«No. You're second-guessing yourself now, but the fact is, your instincts were correct. I let my own fear affect my judgment – and ultimately put you at risk.»

I could hear the guilt and regret in his voice. And what was the point of that? We had both made mistakes, both let each other down. Was the important stuff where we had failed each other or the parts where we had got it right? It felt to me like we had got a lot of it right a lot of the time. I was afraid to ask, but I had to know. «Is it too late for us?»

After what felt like the longest moment of my life, he said almost inaudibly, «It's not too late.»

I closed my eyes and pressed my face into his throat. I could barely hear him, but I felt the words against my mouth. «It's not that easy to turn it on and off.» I said, «I don't have a lot of experience.»

«Neither do I.» He must have caught my surprise because he said, «Oh, I have experience at this –« He ran a light hand down my back, leaving goose bumps of sensation. «Not with loving someone. I've never even used the word before.»

My throat closed up and I had to struggle against the bubble of emotion threatening to tear out of my chest. Love. He was right. That's what this was about. I managed to get the words out. «So this was your first time too?» «Yeah, I guess it was.» «Was it everything you expected?»

He turned his head on the pillow, and I saw the glimmer of his smile in the darkness.

Josh Lanyon

Josh Lanyon is the author of three Adrien English mystery novels. THE HELL YOU SAY was nominated for a Lambda Literary Award and is the winner of the 2006 USABookNews awards for GLBT fiction. Josh lives in Los Angeles, California, and is currently at work on the fourth book in the series, DEATH OF A PIRATE KING.