“F-uckkk.” My load shoots into her, deep and hard, each pulse bringing me closer to my knees. Out of breath, I collapse onto her. Her skin on mine is the only thing I ever need.

As soon as I catch my breath I roll onto my back, pulling her with me to rest on my chest. One arm snakes around her waist and the other cradles her head against me.

She’s where she fucking belongs. In my arms. And I’ll hold her there for eternity, or at least while I still have the chance. She moulds her body against me, her breath tickling the hairs on my chest, and fingers roaming over my abdomen, as my heart rate begins to even out. No words are needed.

Downstairs there’s a resounding bang as the front door slams shut, and the giggles of what I assume is a very drunken Boo echo around the house.

I arch a brow as I gaze down at Lizzie, her mouth slightly parted, skin flushed. Moving my body away from hers, I slide off the bed and hold my hand out to her. “Time to order the pizza?”

She laughs as she takes my hand, and the sound seeps into every inch of my body.

“You murdered my son, cunt.” A heavy boot kicks me in the ribs and I momentarily flinch. Pain radiates throughout my chest and I cough up blood onto the floor. Bound like a pig roasting on a spit, the only thing I can do is retract as best I can into the foetal position.

The stale stench of dried piss makes me gag as the metallic fluid floods my mouth. How long have I been here? An hour? Two? Maybe a few days? Frustrated I’m unable to remember, I shake my head. In my peripheral, I spot the Sicilian inching closer to me. He flexes his filthy hands.

“You lying son of a whore.” The bastard’s boot connects with my head, jerking it backwards.

Fuck, he’s taken my headshake as denial. He kicks me again. Harder. With the wind knocked out of me I’m unable to speak. Had I the capability, I would tell the motherfucker kicking the shit out of me, ‘Yes. I did kill your fucking son, and it was the greatest fucking pleasure of my life.’ Instead, I spray a mouthful of blood at the bastard.

My heart beats fast and hard with expectation not fear.

I want to die. That’s what I came here for, why I begged for the job. I have nothing to live for anyway.

He crouches down next to me. The glint of a gaudy signet ring flickers in my vision. Thick fingers wrap around my neck as the fucker hoists me up, expecting me to look at him though my swollen eyelids. I don’t have the energy to resist, and I don’t want to. Metal glints in his hand as it nears my right eye, pressing into the flesh of my upper cheek. The sharp-edged knife scours through my flesh and hits bone. I let out a low moan. The pain is excruciating, but I won’t give him the satisfaction of hearing me scream.

Jerking awake, I suck in air like it’s going to be rationed. Bollocks. I’ve not had a nightmare for months. Beads of moisture trickle down my face and a sheen of sweat covers me. Rainy days and sunflowers overtake my sense of smell. My heart rate steadies as I remember where I am. Forcing my eyelids open, I find Lizzie’s concerned eyes studying me. Fuck.

“Noah, are you okay?” Her gentle voice replaces the bastard screaming obscenities in my head as he carves down my face, followed by the cracks of multiple rounds from Beretta PX4 semiautomatics shredding my eardrums.

“Yeah. I’m good.” I run a shaky hand over my face and it’s clear my voice betrays me.

I untangle myself from the comfort of her limbs; it’s a solace I don’t deserve. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I rest my head in my hands. The bed depresses and her warmth envelops me. Her gentle hand runs circles over my bare back, and goose bumps wage war on my body in response. My impulse is to pull away, and I fight to stay in place. I’m not worthy of her.

“You need to tell me.” Her firm words cause my stomach to free fall.

“Lizzie, I…” My voice cracks as I choke out the words. A choice needs to be made, but I don’t know how to tell her.

What the fuck do I say? I killed people, are you okay with that?

I flick a nervous glance in her direction, before returning to stare at the floor.

“If you want us to move in with you, Noah, I need the truth. You’re not telling me something and I need to know what it is.” Worry laces her tone.

She has no fucking idea. My fingers run through the shorn hair on my head.

I can’t do this.

“Is there someone else?”

My gaze whips around. “Fuck no.”

How the fuck did she go there?

Her forehead crinkles. “Well, I just thought…”

“Well, you know what ‘thought’ did, don’t you?” A look of confusion overtakes her face as my nan’s words ring in my ears. “Followed a shit cart and thought it was a wedding.”

Her face breaks into a gentle smile as she chuckles.

“Noah—”

“No. There’s no one else.” I reach out and caress her cheek with my fingers. “You need to trust me.” My gaze burns into hers.

“I do, but—”

“No buts. You either trust me or you don’t. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt either of you. And I would never cheat on you. Fuck, what do you take me for?”

She diverts her gaze away from me, and I have my answer.

“Have I ever cheated on you? Have I ever made you feel less than my whole fucking world?” Anger overtakes me. I may be a fucking whore, but never once have I been near another woman while she’s been in my life.

Pushing off the bed, a laugh reverberates in my chest. I’ve woken from one fucking nightmare straight into another. I begin shrugging on my sweats, with my back to her. I know I’m projecting my own shit onto her but I can’t help it.

My skin prickles as her hands wrap around my stomach and she presses up against my back. I stop dressing, unable to move. I don’t want to lose her touch. My eyelids shutter down as I fight away my demons.

I turn in her arms and leave my soul unguarded as my gaze finds hers.

Can she see it? The truth?

Her innocent eyes search my face. “I’m sorry. I just…” She sighs. “It’s just difficult for me to deal with all the others.”

I’m going to hell anyway, so the question I want to ask will seal the deal. It’s something I have no right to know, and I’m not sure I want the answer.

“Has there been anybody else for you?” The insecurity in my tone is laughable with my history.

“Er, Noah, I…” She drops her gaze to the floor and I have my answer. My insides tighten and the blood flows faster through my veins.

“Alex,” I state.

There’s a loud bang and a piercing cry from the room where Kai’s sleeping. I move quickly, but Lizzie grabs my arm, halting me. She gives me a soft smile, her eyes dancing with amusement.

“He’s learnt how to get out of the cot.”

She grabs my T-shirt and some knickers and dresses at light speed and opens the bedroom door. With Kai in her arms, she returns less than a minute later. I look up from pulling on my socks and Kai’s face lights up.

“Da-dad.” He struggles in Lizzie’s arms when I open mine to him. He comes straight over and snuggles into them. My chest fills with pride.

We made this.

His little hopeful eyes are wide. “‘Ars.”

My face breaks out into a smile as I chuckle at him. “Yeah, in a little while, buddy.”

Grinning, I turn towards Lizzie, some obvious questions in my eyes, along with some not so obvious.

“I’ll answer you later. You need to trust me.”

She used my own words against me. Smart girl. Nodding my head at her, I ask the only thing that matters. “When are you packing?”

“After breakfast?”

“Suits me.” I just hope when I finally grow the balls to tell her the truth, she’ll stay. But I know she won’t. I suck in a breath and turn to our son.