“Okay. Well, I’ll call you in a bit.”

And then she hung up. That was Tamsin. Abrupt. But at least I had stopped referring to her as “the bitch” in my head. That was a significant step.

I tucked my phone back in my pocket and leaned against the railing, resting my chin in my hand.

Every evening while Beck was in the ICU, I’d slip away just long enough to walk down to the bridge. I’d think about that day we had spent here while he took pictures with his phone. Shared confidences.

Almost touching.

Then later eating burgers out of greasy paper with butterflies in my belly but hope in my heart.

And a kiss that started everything.

Our beginning.

This was our place. It always would be. I felt closer to Beckett here, staring out at the water, than by sitting at his bedside, staring at his unresponsive face. The fear was less prevalent here. I could breathe. For just a moment.

I’d stand there, barely able to keep myself together. Hating a universe that gave me the love of my life only to take him away.

I hadn’t been sure I’d survive.

His parents and sister often spent the days with me keeping vigil in his hospital room. I’d listen to the sound of the respirator. The beeping of monitors. I’d hold his cold hand and imagine that it moved. I drove the nurses crazy claiming to feel a finger twitch.

They kindly explained that involuntary muscle movements were common in coma patients.

All I heard was stop hoping for something that won’t happen.

At night after Beck’s family left, I’d carefully crawl up onto his bed and gently press myself into his side. I’d sleep that way until the nurse on duty found me and woke me up.

They never told me to leave though. Even after visiting hours, they let me stay. Holding his cold, cold hand and watching his face, waiting for him to wake up.

Even when his family started to give up, I never lost hope.

Perhaps I was a delusional fool but hope was all I had had left.

The sun was beginning to dip below the horizon and still I stayed. The water burbled on and on.

And still I stayed.

Footsteps approached but I didn’t look up.

I didn’t need to.

“I knew you’d be here.”

Please wake up, Beck.

Please.

I begged him every day. Every night.

I pleaded. I made deals with God. I promised all manner of things if only I could see his blue eyes one more time.

And each day my wishes, my pleas, were ignored.

No one was listening. No one cared that I had finally let go of death only to have it find me once again.

He was fading. Slowly.

First it was his skin. The normal ruddy glow disappeared and was replaced by the pasty pallor caused by fluorescent lighting.

His hair grew out too long. I trimmed it to keep it manageable. But it became brittle and dry.

Then he began to lose his muscle definition. The nurses would come in every couple of hours and move him so he wouldn’t get bedsores. I’d help them rotate his arms. His legs. Working the muscles so they wouldn’t atrophy.

But his firm physique disappeared.

Every day a little more of Beckett Kingsley went away.

And I was watching it happen.

Just as I had watched my parents.

Though I wouldn’t allow the waiting to destroy me.

Because I held onto hope.

It was all I had.

“Don’t pretend that Tam didn’t tell you where I was.” I smiled.

“Busted.” Laughter. Warm and full. Filling my heart.

The footsteps stopped behind me and I waited…

A month had passed and nothing changed.

The doctors said his body had been through a shock. Swelling in the brain. Organs shut down.

I barely heard them.

Wake up, Beck. I can’t live here without you.

I started every day the same. I’d wake up with a crick in my neck and I’d stretch. It would take me a few minutes to remember where I was.

A few blissful moments where I was somewhere else. With Beck.

And then I’d realize I was in the hospital. And I’d come crashing down again.

I clung to the hope.

Even when it wanted to desert me.

When it had deserted everyone else. Aaron. Bryan. Zoe. His parents.

But never me.

I held onto it with an iron grip.

Wake up, Beck.

I love you.

I’d whisper it in his ear. Telling him the words I had never said to his face.

Over and over again.

I love you.

“You shouldn’t be out here alone.”

I watched the stream flow. “I knew you’d find me,” I said, smiling high.

Wake up.

I started to become angry with him for not listening.

For lying in his hospital bed, his eyes closed. That damned tube shoved down his throat.

“You told me you would live. That’s all you wanted to do! So why are you just lying there? You’re a liar! A fucking liar!”

The nurse came in, hearing me shout. I had to leave then to get myself together. I didn’t want him to hear me so upset.

And when I came back, I held Beck’s hand again and told him I was sorry. That I loved him. That I would wait as long as it took for him to come back…

“I’ll always find you, Cor. Just like you’ll always find me.”

So positive.

So sure.

Where are you, Beck? It must be amazing to keep you away.

I cried so much I lost track of my tears.

Tamsin would sit with me sometimes and we’d talk about Mom and Dad. It was the first time we ever really did that.

It was nice to remember them the way they had been.

Before cancer. Before hospitals.

Before death.

And Beck was there too. Listening to the stories with his eyes closed.

I hated the hospital.

But I kept coming back.

I couldn’t leave him alone.

I’d never leave him alone.

Hope.

It’s what held me together.

The hope that I’d hear his voice again. That one day I’d see his intense, blue eyes. His laugh was tattooed on my soul on an endless loop.

“Look at me, Corin.”

I turned around, eyes wet as I saw him down on one knee.

“What are you doing?” I asked, grinning through my tears.

“I’m asking you to laugh with me.”

How would I live my life without Beckett to share it with?

How did this man who had only come into my world such a short time ago become the most important thing in it?

I had missed out on so much by shutting myself away. Scared to love. Scared to exist.

He had taught me so much about the person I was afraid to be.

I watched his sleeping face. Eyes that I feared would never open again, and I felt a love so deep I was drowning in it…

“I’m asking you to dance with me.” The tears wouldn’t stop. But they were the good kind.

The best kind.

“I’m asking you to laugh with me.”

I wouldn’t curl into a ball and cut myself off from the rest of the world. I had come to realize I deserved more.

Beckett had shown me that hiding and waiting for the worst wasn’t an option.

Not anymore.

Not ever again.

“I’m asking you to love with me, Corin.”

A love that would never die even if the man who owned my heart did.

That was the gift Beck had given me.

He reminded me what it felt like to be alive…

“I’m asking you to live with me.” His voice shook, cracking slightly with emotion. The tears fell from both of our eyes and neither of us did a thing to stop them.