He contemplates my offer, rubbing his jawline. “I might keep my mouth shut if you give me something in return.”

Oh, I so don’t like the wicked tone of his voice. Why do I have a feeling this is about to get a little dirty?

I smile sweetly. “Just as long as that something doesn’t contain the words blow, kiss, suck, rub, or touch.” When he pulls a guilty face, I point a finger at him. “Yeah, I know how your mind works. I remember that little stunt in the cafeteria you pulled with frosting and saran wrap.”

“It was never proven that I was involved with that.”

“Yeah, because your dad’s the sheriff.”

“Fine. Whatever. Give me ten bucks, and I’ll tell Carrie Lynn you left.”

When I dig out ten bucks in one dollar bills and change and hand it to him, his face pinches in disgust.

“Hey, I’m broke, okay?” I point out. “Why do you think I moved back here?”

“I’m glad to see you haven’t changed.” He rolls his eyes and strolls away, stuffing the change into his pocket.

“Hey! I’ve changed!” I yell after him, but he just keeps on truckin’.

After I roll up my window, I hunker down in my seat and spend the next hour hiding from an ex-cheerleader who used to cut up my clothes for fun, all while getting straight As, being homecoming queen, and baking cupcakes for every bake sale.

Yep, I’m pretty sure I just hit rock bottom.

Chapter 8

Nope. I was wrong, this is rock bottom, I think to myself as I look around the loft my parents live in now.

The maybe thousand square-foot space consists of a bed, a dresser, a fridge, an oven, and a roll-in closet. There’s a door in the corner, which I’m hoping is the bathroom. But I’m kind of worried it might not be and that the shed I saw outside that my dad told me to ignore is really an outhouse, and he just didn’t want to break the news to me.

“I know it’s not big,” my mom says, her first place ribbon still pinned proudly to her side-tied shirt. “But once the lights are off, it doesn’t seem as small.”

“That’s what he said.” I heave a sigh, setting my bag down on the floor. Man, I’m making dirty jokes with my parents. I must be losing my damn marbles.

My dad snorts a laugh and high-fives me while my mom gapes at me in confusion.

“I don’t get it,” she mumbles with her forehead scrunched.

“It’s a dirty joke, hon,” my dad explains as he sets down a couple of my boxes he carried in.

It takes a second, and then her lips form an O. “Oh, I get it. It’s an innuendo for a small penis.” She pats my back. “Sweetie, I hate to break this to you, but even with the lights off, a small penis is still a small penis.” She waggles her brows at my dad. “Of course, I wouldn’t know anything about that.”

“And on that note.” I make a beeline for the bathroom, slip inside, and shut the door.

“Hon, you know you can’t say things like penis around her,” my dad says to my mom from the other side of the door. “Remember when you were trying to give her the sex talk? She nearly cried for over an hour.”

I bang my head against the door.

“She’s too sensitive,” my mom loudly whispers. “Always has been.”

Too sensitive? Her sex talk consisted of her using a zucchini and a balloon to demonstrate how to put on a condom, a lesson she picked up while subbing for my high school health teacher.

When I asked why we were using a balloon instead of a condom, my mom explained, “Your dad and I went roller skating last night, and he wore those short, orange shorts. I couldn’t keep my hands off him, and we ended up using all the condoms.”

“She needs to get over this,” my mom continues. “She’s twenty-six years old. Penises shouldn’t freak her out anymore. I’m sure she’s seen her fair share of them by now.”

“I hope not.” My dad sounds appalled. “I hate the idea of my daughter sleeping around.”

“It’s perfectly for a woman her age to explore her body,” my mom says.

“Um, hello, I can hear everything you’re saying,” I say to them through the door.

“That’s nice, honey,” my mom replies. “It’s good your hearing’s so great.”

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Once I’ve hit a state of Zen where nothing can get to me, not even my parents discussing my sex life and my phobia of the word penis, I turn around to head for the toilet—

“Holy shit!” I let out a blood-curdling scream as I come face-to-face with hundreds of garden gnomes lining the walls, the counter, the back of the toilet, the shower.

“Lexi, are you okay?” My dad barges into the bathroom like he’s a freakin’ superhero ready to save the day.

“Gnomes,” I manage to get out, pressing my hand over my racing heart.

My dad promptly chillaxes. “Yeah, your mom couldn’t bring herself to get rid of them when we moved, but since we don’t have a good enough yard to put them in…” He gestures at the gnomes. “Your mom thought it’d be better if we put them in here.”

“What am I supposed to do when I have to pee?”

“Sit down on the toilet,” he jokes, laughing at himself. “Lexi, I thought we potty-trained you a long time ago.”

“Hardy, har, har,” I reply dryly. “Seriously, Dad. I don’t think I can pee with these things watching me.”

“Why? Are you gun shy?”

“No, they just freak me out.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot you have gnomophobia.”

“I don’t have gnomophobia, Dad. It just feels like the ugly, little critters are watching me.”

“Well, then pee with your eyes closed,” he suggests, throwing me a grin before walking out of the bathroom.

Sighing, I lift the toilet lid. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s a natural, human thing.” I glare at the gnome perched on the back of the toilet and end up having to turn it around before I can sit down and do my business.

“All right, can I just make a quick suggestion?” I announce as I stroll out of the bathroom. “Can we please put those gnomes in the shed …?” I slow to a stop.

Carrie Lynn is babbling to my mom by the front door, clutching a large, pink bag in her hand. She’s changed out of her 80s clothes and is now decked out in a pale pink dress, matching heels, and pearls, looking one step away from becoming a Stepford Wife.

“Did she see me?” I whisper to my dad. “Do I still have time to hide?”

My dad barks a laugh then decides to go traitor on me. “Here she is, Carrie Lynn.”

“Traitor,” I hiss as Carrie Lynn spots me and smiles.

“You need to make friends while you’re here,” he whispers. “Otherwise, you’ll just end up hanging out with your mom and me every night, and we need our alone time sometimes”—he winks at me—“if you know what I mean.”

I just shake my head. “Unfortunately, Dad, I do. I always do.”

“I’m so glad I found you.” Carrie Lynn urges me to take the bag. “I brought you this.”

“Thanks.” I warily take the bag from her and peer inside to find a travel-sized bottle of shampoo, a glittery plastic tiara, a feather boa … Oh, a cookie! Yum.

“It’s an official invitation to my bachelorette party tomorrow.” She ravels her pearls around her finger. “I already gave your mom a wedding invitation about a month ago, but you’re welcome to come to that, too. In fact, you have to. It’s going to be the party of the year.”

“I’m sure it is. “ I plaster on a smile. “Thanks for the invitation, but I’m not sure I can make it. I have a lot of stuff to unpack.”

“Oh, honey, I hate to break it to you, but most of your stuff is going to have to stay in boxes, and we’re probably going to have to see if someone will let us store them in their garage.” My mom frowns as she glances around the loft. “There’s just not enough space in here for everything.”

“What about the shed outside?” I ask. “I could put most of the boxes in there.”

“There’s no room in the shed,” my dad sputters, looking horrified. When I give him a suspicious look, he shrugs. “Plus, it’s locked and I lost the key. Whoopsie.”