“My ex, obviously,” I answered, peering up at him speculatively.

“How long were you with him?”

“Two years, but it wasn’t serious. He was…I don’t know. Safe, maybe? You know how sometimes you’d rather be with anyone over no one?” Jack’s nod was infinitesimal, but it was there. I guessed he was thinking of Julie and how his loneliness, at least physically, had propelled him to being with her because she was available. His finger scrolled down my list until it stopped at number four. “This one is stupid. Why would you willingly put yourself in harm’s way?”

I let out a tiny laugh. “Coming from the guy who risks his life every night as part of his job?”

He only stared at me, hard. I swallowed, shrugged, and finally answered, “To feel alive, I guess. My life growing up has consisted of a sequence of straight lines. I wanted to throw in a couple of curves and dips, you know. Take a risk, the same as you.”

“It’s not the same, but I see your point.”

“Anyway,” I went on teasingly, “I think I’ve ticked this item off my list. Being with you is pretty dangerous, right?”

My humour was lost on him; in fact, I’d never seen him frown so hard. “Is that how you see me? As a little dip in your straight line? Because if you’re angling to get hurt by me, I’ll put you straight right now. It won’t happen. I will not be your number eleven, Lille. My hesitancy to be with you was indicative of my apprehension as to whether or not I could control myself. Yes, I get off on giving you a little pain, but I will always be controlled, highly so. If I hurt you, it will be momentary, and it will be followed by pleasure. This is the promise I’ve made to myself. And I will never burn you in a way that would cause permanent physical damage. You may be left with a few marks, but they’ll be the kind that heal. I don’t want to feel like a monster, not anymore.” He paused his passionate speech to take my hand in his and bring it to the scars on his shoulder. “You will never wear scars like I do, Lille, do you understand?”

I blinked at him, my throat suddenly dry as my heart pounded in my chest. For years this man had been living under the assumption that he was sick, that there was something wrong with him on the inside, when really he was just different. Changed by experience. And really, he was far more noble than most. Far more worthy of trust, and I didn’t think for a second that he would ever hurt me, not intentionally anyway.

We fell into a strange sort of quiet, still resting close, still touching.

“You’ve completed almost all of these,” Jack said then, and I realised he was talking about the list again.

“I know. It feels crazy. I never thought I’d actually do them all. I thought they’d each take a great effort, but by deciding to join the circus, one thing just kind of followed the other.” He made a little grunting sound, and I glanced at him. “What?”

Instead of replying, he reached for the pencil that was tucked behind his ear, the one he’d used earlier to scribble a note in his book. He brought it to the list and drew a distinct line through number three.

3. Have sex with a stranger

“You’re not doing that one,” he said, voice a firm growl.

I couldn’t contain my grin. “Oh, yeah, well, maybe I already have.”

I swear to God, his expression went so dark I was a little frightened. I really needed to start learning what I could and couldn’t tease him about. “Excuse me?”

“With you, you idiot! You’re my stranger.” I nuzzled affectionately at the spot just below his ear.

Almost as quickly as it came, all of the tension went out of him. His thumb brushed my shoulder, while the other hand spread out warm and tingly on my belly. He was practically purring now. “I am far from a stranger to you. In fact, that night you knew me better than anyone.”

I closed my eyes for a moment, savouring his purring cadence. His voice was pure sex sometimes, so intimate. God, I wanted him inside me, but I was so tired my muscles ached. My body was at once begging me for sleep and squirming for Jack’s cock. I think he saw the thought pass over my face, because he gave me a slow, lazy grin.

“You want me inside you, flower?” he asked in a seductive whisper, tongue licking at the shell of my ear and sending tingles all the way down my spine.

I stared at his bare, muscular torso and groaned, “Yes, but I’m so tired.”

He moved so he was on top of me, pulling my legs around his waist. “That’s actually perfect. Tonight, I want to give rather than take.”

I knew he had to be referring to our tryst backstage in the Spiegeltent earlier today, where I’d gone down on him. The memory gave me a pleasant shudder, and at the same time I wondered about his statement. If he didn’t want to take tonight, then what did he want to give? I watched with rapt attention as he reached over to his bedside dresser and pulled open a drawer. He retrieved a small black leather box and set it on the bed beside me. I got the sense that he wanted me to open it, so I picked it up and lifted the lid. Inside were several pieces of metal. One was long and thin, like a small wand, and the others were silver hoops, both equal in size.

“What are they?” I asked, taking one of the hoops and looping it through my fingers.

“Toys,” Jack answered, studying my reaction with care. “They’re quite specialist, actually. They’re new, too. I haven’t used them on anyone else.”

“What do they do?” I asked breathily as my eyes rose to meet his.

His gaze darkened. “Would you like me to show you?”

Quietly, I nodded, and he took the hoops from me. Grabbing a lighter, he lit one of the candles from the other night. I noticed they were specialist, too, as I read the label. They were sex candles, for lack of a better word, designed specifically for pouring wax onto your lover. They must have been less damaging to the skin, because the marks that had been on my lower back were almost completely gone by morning.

Jack held each metal hoop over the flame for several seconds, then instructed me to strip. Within moments my pyjamas were off. The room was dark, and the glow of the candles made me feel lazy and pliant. Jack studied my body for a long time, his gaze alone making my nipples harden as he brought the hot metal to me and ran it over my skin. I hissed in a breath at the warmth, and it felt a little like when you place your hand against a radiator that’s too hot. The metal was so thin, though, which made the sting bearable. He ran each hoop up and down my stomach before grazing them leisurely over the peaks of my breasts, until they rested around the circumference of each nipple. My breathing was heavy, my heart racing in anticipation.

“The metal holds the heat for about ten minutes,” Jack said, eyes all aglow as he absorbed the sight of me lying there, hot and needy. My breasts had never felt fuller with sensation. My nipples were almost painfully hard, the metal hoops sending thrilling spikes right to their tips.

“How does that feel, flower?” Jack asked as he rubbed my belly soothingly with his big hand.

I squirmed and let out a sound of undiluted pleasure. My words were choppy. “K-kind of m-mind-blowing.”

He chuckled. “I’m not done with you yet.” Moving down my body until his head was between my legs, he spread my thighs wide, bent forward, and licked lightly at my clit. All the while, his eyes moved from the hoops on my breasts to my face and then back again.

I could tell from the intensity of his gaze that the sight was giving him an immense amount of pleasure. His tongue lapped at me, going deeper each time until he found my entrance and slid inside. I fisted the sheets, my hips rising at the soft, silky feel of him. With the metal on my skin, several of my erogenous zones had been awakened. I’d never felt anything like it before. Jack’s mouth worked my body to a crescendo, every lick focused and intent on making me come. His fingers replaced his tongue inside me, pumping in a mesmerising rhythm, while his thumb went to my clit. He kept licking until I shattered, my body bucking and my skin tingling, as wave upon wave flooded me. I moaned long and hard, and was vaguely aware of Jack moving away from me, but I was too lost in my orgasm to pay too close attention.