His heartfelt words make my throat tighten with empathy. I feel like hugging him, but I can’t. It would be…too much.

Just then I hear Dad come in the front door, and I stumble back, hurrying to the kitchen. Jay follows me. When I step inside, Dad’s already saying hello to Jessie, who introduces herself as a friend of Jay’s. I dish up a plate of stir-fry for everyone, and we sit down to eat at the table, chatting about light topics.

After dinner Dad excuses himself to his room, where he plans to start reading the novel they’re discussing in his book club this month. Jay suggests the rest of us watch a movie in the living room. I go to change out of my work clothes while he and Jessie decide on a DVD.

When I come back down, they’ve selected a romantic comedy called Away We Go that I bought a couple of years ago when it first came out. I can’t remember it all too well, but I do recall it being about a couple who are expecting a baby. An odd choice for these two, but I go with it anyway.

Jessie is camped out on the armchair, so I sit next to Jay on the sofa, a nice safe distance between us. I hug a cushion to my chest as Jay presses “play” on the DVD. The film starts off with a quiet night time scene, and I relax into my seat. Unfortunately, my relaxation lasts about five seconds before I realise that the first scene is a sex scene. A scene where the man is going down on the woman, to be precise. Immediately, I can feel my cheeks heat up, even though it’s supposed to be kind of funny.

“Oh, now look at this,” says Jessie, pointing at the screen. “He’s doing it all wrong. He needs to take a few tips from me. I’m the queen of cunnilingus.”

Jay cocks an eyebrow at her and smirks, his arm resting behind me along the top of the couch. “I’d wager I’m better,” he says in a low, challenging voice.

Jessie snorts long and loud. “You wanna bet? I’d win hands down.”

Christ, could this conversation end, please?

“Okay, how are we going to play this? We need a judge,” says Jay, laughing, and I really hope he’s joking.

Jessie waggles her brow at me. “You want the position, Matilda?”

I practically choke on a cough. “I think I’ll have to decline.”

“Scared?” Jay asks, tilting his head to me with a wicked grin.

I get defensive. “No, I’m not scared. Besides, you need experience to be a judge….”

Oh, God, did I just say that? Where the hell is my filter?

“What?” Jessie spurts, practically jumping out of her seat. Suddenly, I’m regretting agreeing to watch a movie with these two. “Please tell me you’re joking!”

My face has become so red I might as well be a tomato. “Forget I said anything,” I mutter.

“Oh, my God, you’re not joking, are you?” she goes on.

I make the mistake of glancing at Jay, and his gaze is on fire. I play with the hem of my top and sigh. “No. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend, and, well, let’s just say he was kind of selfish in that department.”

“Asshole,” says Jay.

“Yeah, he was. So, no, I’ve no experience of that particular…act.”

“That’s a fucking travesty, hon. All girls need to get their vaginas licked. It’s like a rite of passage,” Jessie tells me with no embarrassment whatsoever.

I make a move to leave, but Jay grabs my wrist and pulls me back down, turning to face me properly. His eyes flick to Jessie as he warns sharply, “You don’t have to talk like that to her.”

“She’s not a child, Jay.”

“She’s not one of your fuck buddies, either, so try and keep it clean, yeah?”

I pull my wrist from his hold. “She can talk to me whatever way she likes. I just wish we could watch the film and stop discussing my sex life, or lack thereof.”

He raises his hands in the air. “Fine. Let’s watch it, then.”

There’s a couple of minutes of awkwardness before we all get into the storyline. In the end, it actually turns out to be really enjoyable, that uncomfortable first scene aside. Jessie leaves once it’s over, and I go to my room. I can hear Jay in his own room as I’m getting my clothes ready for work in the morning. It sounds like he’s pacing. A minute later, there’s a knock on my door.

“Come in,” I call, and Jay appears, stepping inside but leaving the door open behind him. Oh, yeah, and did I forget to mention that he’s topless? Topless! My eyes wander over his tattoos as I admire a particularly detailed one right over his heart. It looks a like a cubist painting, a box filled with triangles of all different colours. On the other side of his chest is a six of hearts card done in vibrant red and chalky white. Somebody’s definitely got a theme. Above the card is a quote: Do your worst, for I will do mine. Isn’t that from The Count of Monte Cristo?

“I’m sorry about earlier. We shouldn’t have embarrassed you like that.”

“It’s okay.”

He hovers in his spot indecisively, then turns as if to leave. Instead, he slams the door shut and comes to stand right in front of me. He takes the shirt I’m folding from my hands and places it down on the bed. The next thing he does is lace his fingers through mine. I watch, transfixed, as he brings our hands to come and rest in the centre of his chest. He tilts his head to the side.

“I don’t make you uncomfortable, do I?”

“Um, no,” I lie, and for once he doesn’t call me out on it.

He lets out a long breath. “I can’t stop thinking about what you said.”

“What I said?”

“About never having a man go down on you.”

My eyes widen at his words, but I try to laugh it off. “It’s pitiful, isn’t it?”

“You should let me do it. Show you what all the fuss is about.” His smile is devilish.

I pull my hand from his and walk to the other side of the room. Facing the window, I’m unable to look at him, not knowing whether to be elated or insulted. “You’re being inappropriate.”

“Darlin’.”

Oh, don’t call me that, Jason. I melt when you call me that.

Glancing down, I see that my hands are shaking. Jesus, what’s wrong with me? He’s the most attractive man I’ve ever known. I should want this. I do want this. The problem is, I’m scared shitless.

I feel him move across the room, stopping right behind me. The heat from his body practically scorches me, and we’re not even touching. My voice is quiet when I start to speak.

“Don’t you think that might be kind of weird? You’re not my boyfriend, Jay.”

“I don’t need to be your boyfriend to do that to you, Matilda.” My name rolls off his tongue like a caress. Oh, God.

“Do you like me?” I ask, hating how insecure I sound.

“Of course I like you. I enjoy your company a lot.”

“I don’t mean in the friends way,” I soldier on disappointedly. Someone liking me as a friend isn’t the epic love I’ve been waiting my entire life for.

His hand goes to my arm as he leans his head on my shoulder, his breath hitting the back of my neck. “You have no idea,” he whispers.

A minute passes, and then his heat is gone. I turn around just in time to see him shutting my door behind him.

Eleven

The rest of the week passes quickly enough. I only ever see Jay at breakfast or during dinner. Other times he’s mostly off preparing for his show at the venue in Temple Bar. There’s been no further talk of sexual things, which is both a relief and a disappointment.

It’s all for the best, though. Jay was probably just feeling horny, and I was the only female around. The next morning I would’ve been slotted right back into the friend zone, and Jay would move on with his life while I wallowed in lovesickness. I gave up a night of pleasure to save my feelings in the long run.

On Thursday I meet up with Michelle for lunch and ask her if she wants to come with me to Jay’s show. Her answer is an enthusiastic yes.

When I go home that night, I log in to my online dating site for the first time in a while. It seems that ever since Jay moved in, I haven’t been obsessively checking my messages like I used to. Funny that.