“The court case could be a year from now. You’re going to keep me at a distance until then?” I say, emotion catching in my throat. He tries to pull me back to him, but I move farther away. Before I’d been too hot. Now I’m way too cold. Finding my underwear, I pull them back on.

“Darlin’, I can’t let you get caught in the crossfire again. It’s too dangerous. The fact that I’m forcing myself to wait should show you how much I care.”

I gesture furiously. “If that’s the case, then why let me come in here tonight?”

“Because it’s so fucking hard to resist you. I’ve been trying, but when you come in here and offer yourself to me, it’s impossible for me to say no.”

“Do you regret it?”

“No, of course not. Please understand that I fucking adore you, but this isn’t our time, baby. Not yet.” He reaches out for me and takes my hand in both of his, a pleading look in his eyes.

I swallow hard as I steel myself, his tender words melting some of my resolve. Tears gather in the back of my throat, but I manage to whisper, “Okay. It won’t happen again.”

Turning on my heel, I leave the room just in time before I start to cry.

“Matilda,” he calls after me, his voice strained, but I don’t turn back.

Twenty-Five

The next day, Jay’s busy moving his stuff out of the spare room and packing it into his car. We eat breakfast together, but aside from a few probing, intense looks, he doesn’t mention what happened the night before. And really, I’m glad. I’m feeling a touch emotional at the moment, so I’m not sure I could handle such a discussion anyway. I’d probably just burst into tears.

Before I know it, Dad and I are standing on the doorstep, waving Jay off. Dad seems just as unhappy for him to be leaving as I am, but I can tell he’s trying not to show it.

For a while, our little family of two had become three.

Jay stares at me for a long time, then surprises the both of us when he pulls me into a tight, prolonged hug. Dad looks at me with an odd expression afterward, but I try to ignore it. I think he suspects something’s been going on between us, but he hasn’t mentioned it yet. Jay pats Dad on the shoulder and shakes his hand, then heads for his car. Dad calls after him that he’ll see him tomorrow at the barbecue.

I’m still uncertain if I’m going to go. The idea of being around him for however long it takes for the drama of his court case to be over, but not actually be with him, makes my heart feel like it’s breaking.

In the end, I do go to the barbecue. Mostly because Dad would probably think something was off if I didn’t, but mainly because even a day without seeing Jay feels like torture. I need another fix. We arrive at his new place with a bottle of wine. He buzzes us through, and we take the elevator up to the top floor. The building is just as fancy as I expected, the front all made of glass and steel.

Jessie answers the door when we get there. “Ah, come in, come in,” she welcomes us. “Jay’s just outside firing up the barbecue. I hope neither of you are vegetarian.”

At that Dad laughs boisterously. Obviously, the idea of not eating meat is hilarious to him. I expected Jay’s place to be packed with friends, but it’s just Jessie, Michelle, and a couple of the people I met the night of his show. I almost laugh when Jessie goes to give Michelle a kiss on the mouth and Dad does a double-take.

“Well,” he says under his breath. “Well.”

I nudge him with my elbow. “Don’t make a big deal.”

Dad nods, and that’s all that needs to be said. Like me, Dad doesn’t really care much about what people decide to do in their own private lives. I take a look around the apartment as Dad goes to sit on the couch with the others. There isn’t much furniture yet, just a few bits and pieces. I wonder why Jay didn’t bring the chaise longue with him, but I’m kind of glad that he didn’t. Perhaps it means he’s still going to come over and hang out with me from time to time. Although really, I’m not sure if that would be a good thing for me emotionally.

I find my way into the kitchen and put the wine in the fridge to chill. When I turn back around, Jay’s standing a couple of feet away from me, and I jump.

His lips curve. “Make yourself at home, why don’t you?”

I put on a brave face, even though seeing him hurts. “Well, my host wasn’t anywhere to be found, so I took it upon myself to find my way.”

He full-on smiles at me now, though there’s a touch of sadness to it. “Oh, yeah? You look beautiful.”

I glance down at the simple dress I have on and shrug shyly. He strides toward me, and my breath catches. He doesn’t touch me, though. Instead, he reaches around me, opens the fridge again, and retrieves a tray of burger meat covered with cling film.

“You want to help me?” he asks, unsure.

“Okay.”

Relief floods his features. “Great. Go grab the burger buns.”

I do as he says and follow him out to his terrace. It’s a lovely sunny summer’s day, with a great view out over the water. Jay starts to cook the meat on a fancy new barbecue that he must have bought especially for this housewarming, or else it came with the apartment. There’s a deck table and chairs, so I make myself busy by setting out plates and napkins. When I’m done, I turn back around, and Jay’s standing by the barbecue. He’s not focused on cooking, though. He’s focused on me. The look he’s giving me turns my tummy into pure butterflies.

“Stop looking at me like that,” I say, frowning and rubbing at my chest. He has this habit of making my heart sore, making my lungs feel like there’s not enough air.

He tilts his head attractively, which only makes matters worse. “Like what?”

“Like you’re molesting me with your eyes,” I blurt out.

His answering laugh is long and deep. I can barely handle the affection in his gaze. “Okay, I’ll try to stop. But if it all gets to be too much for you, this apartment happens to have a very nice bathroom. You can go rub one out again to take the edge off. I’ll come listen, too, if that will help.”

There he goes again, pushing me.

I do a slow blink at him before coming out with a rather masterful comeback. And when I say “masterful,” I mean shit. “Why don’t you go and rub one out?”

He cocks an eyebrow. “I don’t rub out, darlin’. I jack off.”

“Oh, my God, shut up!” I suddenly giggle, looking back inside to make sure nobody was close enough to hear.

“You are way too fucking cute when you’re embarrassed.”

I stay silent. Talking with Jay only seems to get me into trouble. The kind that requires a change of underwear. Yes, I said it.

A couple of minutes later, he calls everyone out, and the food is served up. We sit and talk and drink wine, and generally just soak up the nice atmosphere. I find I’m enjoying myself, too, even if I do have to studiously avoid Jay’s penetrating stares. I wish he’d stop, because sooner or later somebody is going to notice.

As the evening draws to a close, Dad decides it’s time to call it a night. I don’t want to leave yet, so Jessie offers to drive me home later. Once Dad’s gone, I feel a little less tightly wound. At least now he won’t be here to notice the weirdness between me and Jay.

I sip my wine and let the conversation drift over me, staring out at the view. My relaxation is short-lived, because a minute later a chair moves beside me, and Jay drops down into it.

“So, do you like my new place?”

I nod. “Yeah, it’s lovely. Great location, too.”

He chugs back some beer and stays quiet for a moment, then asks, “You think you could ever see yourself living in a place like this?”

There’s a touch of insecurity in his voice, which is so out of character.

“I’m sure I could. It’s hardly a shanty town. But I think I’ll always stay with Dad. He’d be lonely by himself,” I answer without thinking. When I see Jay’s expression, I suddenly realise the meaning behind his question. He wants to know if someday I’d live with him. Here. After all the madness is over and he can finally tell me all the stuff he’s been holding back.