Blake let out a low whistle.

“In the end, mostly what we had was our friendship and looking out for Liz. But Liz is all grown up, and she doesn’t need us to take care of her anymore.”

Blake spun a lock of hair tight around his finger. “I get the feeling there are some major gaps in this story.”

Julia lay still, wanting to curl up beside him and bury herself in his skin. Wanting to turn away and run down the beach until her legs couldn’t keep going. Until she never had to see him again. It felt like an enormous weight was crushing down on her, paralyzing her with pain. There was no way the words could squeeze through all that pressure. No way they could come out without ripping her to shreds if she spoke.

But this was her one chance to tell someone who wasn’t Danny or Liz, who wasn’t in it from the start. And if she could say the words, the relief might crush her as much as all those years of accumulating silences, keeping Liz’s secret safe. And so keeping Mark safe as well.

“In the woods, that night. She went to find him and he wanted to take a walk, said he wanted to see her again.”

She could feel Blake’s stomach tighten as he stopped breathing.

“It was like he thought that because they’d had sex before, they could always have sex again. So hey, you know, in the woods after almost a year of not talking? Sure!”

She barked out a bitter laugh. He had kept slurring out obscenities as she and Danny had pulled Liz away, trying to patch together her torn dress, carrying her instead of bothering to look around for the sandal she lost. You wanted it before, so what the fuck?

“She was lucky to have you as a friend looking out for her that night.” Blake’s voice was soft, and deeply sad. She wondered if he was thinking about his own friend, the one who would have stood by his side but was now lost to him for good.

But Julia shook her head against his chest. She always felt like it was somehow her fault. Like she shouldn’t have let Liz go to the party, knowing Mark would be there. Like she should have been able to do something besides tie the strap of Liz’s dress up and drive, stone cold sober, knuckles white on the steering wheel, shaking with rage.

She hadn’t said anything to Mark. Not one single thing. Hadn’t yelled. Didn’t raise her voice. Didn’t use her voice at all. How many kinds of useless was she? Who couldn’t even defend her own friend? Who brought her into the lion’s den and wandered around making inane conversation while she was mauled?

“It wasn’t your fault,” Blake said slowly, as if reading her mind.

“I know,” Julia said, but her voice cracked as she lied.

They had stayed up all night. Well, she and Danny had. Liz had fallen asleep, bruised and bloodied from where branches had whacked her shins. But Julia had been shaking too hard to sleep and Danny was ashen, gripping a coffee mug in the kitchen so hard she thought it might crack.

Liz’s parents had been away, and Liz refused to tell anyone what had happened. She was afraid no one would believe her. She didn’t know what she would say. She thought because she hadn’t been “raped,” it didn’t count. Maybe she really believed what Mark had said, that somehow she owed it to him. Mostly, she felt ashamed.

Julia and Danny stayed up all night drinking coffee because they didn’t know what else to do, until they were wired and strung out on nerves and no sleep and caffeine. After that, they were united in taking care of Liz, helping her through the aftermath, spreading her burden across three backs instead of one.

“I think that’s the only all-nighter I’ve ever pulled,” she said with a forced laugh, rolling onto her stomach so that she could see Blake.

He was incredulous. “Only? Ever? Not even for something fun?”

Julia shook her head. “That’s the part of the story you find shocking?”

“Jesus, no.” Blake exhaled through his teeth. “That’s the only part of the story I can wrap my head around without exploding.” His arm was around her and his grip tightened protectively. “I don’t know how you three got through that.”

“I feel like I spent so much of my twenties under water. Sometimes I wonder what college would have been like if I wasn’t—” She stopped abruptly, biting her tongue. The last thing she wanted was to say anything bad about Liz. So why was she talking like this, so free with someone she’d known for a matter of days when these were things she’d been holding onto for over a decade, alone?

“If you weren’t what?” he asked, and she knew then why she was talking. Because he would listen and cared what the answer might be. He didn’t know it in advance or have his own version to tell. He wanted to know her story, because it was hers.

She thought about the things she could say. About the time she and Danny spent looking after Liz, who retreated so deeply into herself that sometimes Julia wondered if the girl who dressed up in sequins and bossed her dolls around at tea parties would ever come back. Or how vast and terrifying her world became, and she so small and alone, that long night listening to Liz cry herself to sleep only to wake up still crying, and keep crying for years before she was finally able to stop.

But instead she said simply, “It wasn’t a great introduction to sex.” And in that one wry line, her lips pursed and frowning, she felt like she’d summed up pretty much all there was to say.

“You were…?” Blake trailed off.

“A virgin,” Julia finished his question. “Danny, too.”

“And did you…?”

“It took us a long time to work up to it,” Julia admitted. “Longer than it probably otherwise would have, in normal circumstances.”

“You were afraid.” It wasn’t a question.

It wasn’t something she normally talked about with people. There were so few men besides Danny that she would have had a reason to share anything about her sexual history with, and she always felt it was something she would have been judged for. For taking her time, for thinking sex was something that wounded more than it salved, for needing to know from whomever she was with that it didn’t have to be violent.

“It took so long for us to finally do anything. We were around each other nonstop and yet for him to first kiss me was epic. But I knew it had to be him. It was like it could only ever be with him. Because I always felt like…like he was the only one I knew I could trust. What if everyone harbored a secret Mark inside, and I’d think I knew who I was with but then one day I’d turn around and see this whole other person come out?”

“But you already said you didn’t like Mark,” Blake pointed out. “I mean, not like you can tell that about someone. But you knew there was something about him that was bad news.”

“I know, and it’s not like I can go around assuming that everyone is a Mark until they prove they’re not, or assume that even if I think I trust them, there might still be this dark side lurking around. But it was hard not to feel that way for a long time. Danny was a good big brother. Yeah, he mostly ignored us when I was over, but I knew what he was like in the family. He was protective, the kind of guy who looked out for his kid sister. He was devastated by what happened, not just that it happened to Liz but also that people were capable of these things at all. Some people who knew or found out later tried to rationalize—oh, Mark was drunk. Oh, he thought Liz still wanted to go out with him. But Danny knew that was bullshit, and he couldn’t understand.”

She paused for a minute. “He’s a nice guy, Danny. He really is. But it was like we were afraid of each other. Afraid of what sex might do.”

Blake stroked his hand down her cheek and rested his forefinger lightly on her lips. She bit the pad of his finger lightly. It was nice to see him smile, after she’d made the evening so heavy instead.

“And now?” he asked quietly.