The summer after college graduation, the summer Tommy attacked Kayla and me, I had been running drugs between Boston and the Hamptons and making a shitload of money doing it. It wasn’t that I needed the money, and to this day I don’t know why I did it. At first it was just to get product to my friends, but then word got out and before I knew it, I was selling to everyone I knew. The supplier had long ago dried up and had replaced ten times over, I was sure but still I knew there was one.

That same summer James and I had also taken using a bit too far. We vowed at the summer’s end, after way too much shit had gone down, to stay away from the blow, and I was pretty certain we both had—so I got why he was concerned.

“Logan, you’re not lying to me, are you?”

I looked around. It had been a long time since I wanted to lose myself in oblivion and even though I really wanted to right now, I knew I had to stay focused. “Come on, James, you know me.”

“Okay. Give me a day. I’ll ask around and get back to you.”

“Thanks, I’ll owe you one.”

“If I were counting, you’d owe me way more than that,” he laughed.

“Fuck off. You’re the one who owes me.”

“Your memory is warped.”

“No, no, no. I think it actually dates back more than ten years ago.”

“What are you talking about?”

I couldn’t resist taunting him. “Remember that time you were jonesing to get back together with George?”

“Fuck, don’t remind me. How is it that you never made me see that she really did have a mouth like a monkey?”

It felt good talking to my old friend. “You can’t be serious. Who do you think named her after Curious George?”

“I’m pretty sure that was me.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Lindsay,” he yelled. “Come here—you have to hear this story and tell me who you think is lying.”

Lindsay was James’s wife, whom he met on a Friday night and married on a Saturday, the following day. Love at first sight. Turns out she was the right one for him, because I’d never seen him happier. She, of course, was a model, but he claimed that’s not why he loved her.

“Hey, Logan, how are you?” she said into the phone.

I sat back. This might take a while. James hated to lose. “Good, Lindsay, and you?”

“I’m great. So tell me how this one goes,” she said with a laugh.

As I started to relay the story from years gone by, I couldn’t help but think this time I believed James . . . He loved this woman and she was perfect for him.

The thought of finally finding the one fucked with my heart even more. I’d found the perfect girl for me when I hadn’t even been looking. And I had to let her go.

In my head I kept saying . . . for now.

That I was going to get lucky on this one.

But who knew?

Luck had never been on my side.

DAY 11

ELLE

Energy surrounded me.

The burst of flames in the open kitchen of B&G’s was intensified by the brilliant white marble bar that circled them. Walls painted in shades of blues and grays zapped charm into the place. Small balls of fire hung above my head, providing ambient lighting. The staff was dressed in all black and they were moving quickly.

Energy seemed to live everywhere.

Yet, I had none.

Not even a spark.

I couldn’t seem to find my center.

I was off balance.

It was as if the world was at an angle and I was trying to walk in a straight line but finding it more difficult with every passing minute.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Isn’t that what they say?

My heart was ripped from my chest when I walked away from Logan and although it almost killed me, it certainly didn’t make me feel any stronger.

Just the opposite, in fact.

I missed him.

Everything about him.

So much I could feel it down to my bones.

And I was starting to regret what I’d done.

I knew I shouldn’t be. I wasn’t wrong. I had a life now that didn’t have room for maybes. I knew this. Still, I was just so unhappy. And I didn’t understand it because here’s the thing—two weeks ago I never wanted a man in my life, and then along he came and hijacked me. Gave me a glimpse of something I’d never had, and now I wasn’t sure I could live without it. Without him. Yet, I knew I had to—for Clementine. For her I had to stay strong. Keep my mind healthy. Not let it wander with wonder.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I hope you got my text,” he said softly.

Blinking out of my daze, I looked up and tried to smile. “I did.”

Lips brushed my cheek in a way I didn’t feel entirely comfortable with. “I got a call at the last minute that I had to take.”

“It’s fine, Michael, relax. I ordered for the both of us.”

The Saks Fifth Avenue bag in his hand slid under the table. “Thank you for meeting me like this. I know it’s last minute, but I really needed to talk to you.”

Mild curiosity as to what was in the bag distracted me for a moment.

“You look tired. Are you sure everything is okay?”

Forcing myself to stop thinking about Logan was difficult, but I had to concentrate on the conversation at hand. “I’m fine. I’ve just had some trouble sleeping. But honestly, Michael, meeting you for lunch isn’t a problem. I wasn’t doing much today anyway. Peyton took care of the entire inventory restocking at the boutique yesterday and everything else was already done.”

Michael and I hadn’t talked since his early phone call Saturday morning and I found that strange. Usually, he called me for dinner on Sundays but he hadn’t called yesterday, and since I was in New York City, I hadn’t called him either.

He sat down. “Good then, I don’t have to feel guilty about dragging you out on a rainy day.”

It might be a cold, rainy spring day outside, but it didn’t matter because even in here I was chilled. Nothing could warm me. I was cold, sad, and tired. I hated feeling like this. I blinked away my thoughts and focused on Michael. “What is it you wanted to talk to me about? It sounded urgent. Is everything okay with Clementine’s new nanny?”

Unfolding his napkin, he set it on his lap. “Yes, they’re both fine. This meeting isn’t about Clementine.”

“Oh. From the urgency in your voice, I just assumed it was.”

Actually, I had come here with two trains of thought. One—he knew I’d lied about the cocaine being delivered to my boutique; or two—he had changed his mind about who he was appointing as Clementine’s guardian and had invited me here to let me know.

My heart started beating so fast.

This had to be about the delivery.

I was so screwed. I tried to remember what Logan had told me to say under this circumstance, but nerves got the better of me and my brain felt frazzled.

A small sip of his water on his part alerted me that he was nervous too.

I wondered why.

Finally, he spoke. “First of all I want to apologize for involving you in that entire mix-up last week. I never should have put you in a position like that.”

Phew, he was completely unaware of not only the delivery, but also Logan’s involvement. Another attempt at a smile I just couldn’t seem to form failed. Instead, I tried to be as upbeat as I could. “Please, Michael, I think we’re past all the pleasantries. I understand why you had to ask me for help. Sending the packages to the boutique and not the house or your office made sense. No one would have had any idea. I’m just glad the people who were threatening you and Clementine are now behind bars and we can put all of this behind us.”

I hoped that was true.

Dark circles below his eyes couldn’t hide how tired he looked and I wondered if something was still worrying him. “Good then, we can agree to put that behind us.”

I nodded.

“You’re certain everything is okay?” he asked again.