How the fuck do I fix this?

How do I fix her?

***Raven***

I wake up to Gage sitting in a chair by the bed, just watching me. Yawning, I rub the sleep from my eyes. I feel so rested. Better than I’ve felt in a long time. Parts of last night start coming back to me. Me and the prospects, all that weed...no wonder I was knocked out. But then, I remember the dream. It was clearer this time. I saw my room, the rope that kept me bound to my bed. I saw him. He was standing by my door, holding a knife, his face hidden by a ski mask. I saw myself struggling as he moved toward me menacingly.

I jump out of bed and rush to my artist’s table.

“Babe?”

I ignore Gage as I grab a pencil and begin to sketch the images from my dream. I feel him standing over me but I’m not aware of anything else, just my pencil moving over the paper. When I’m done, I drop the pencil and bring my trembling fingers to my lips. There it is, in black and white. There’s no denying it now. Now, it feels real. This man broke into my house, violated, tortured, and brutalized me. He took something from me that I can never get back, something that was not his to take. And it makes me mad. It pisses me the fuck off.

I spring to my feet, grab the side of the table and fling it to the floor. Gage reaches for me but I march to his punching bag, needing to release some of this anger bubbling inside me. As soon as I throw a punch, he grabs me and wraps his arms around me so he’s keeping mine at my sides.

“You’ll mess up your shoulder.”

“I don’t care!” I scream. “Let me go!”

“Calm down.”

I struggle against him but he’s too strong. I’m helpless, just like I was that night. I start sobbing and go lax in his arms. He slides down to the floor along with me and holds me while I cry.

Why? Why did this have to happen to me? Is God punishing me? What did I do to deserve this?

Gage whispers in my ear that he’ll make it right, that he’s doing everything he can to find the people responsible. I hope he does. No, I know he will. When he does, I want him to handle it. I want him to make the motherfucker suffer. Fuck letting the police handle it.

I turn to face him and look him in the eyes so he knows I’m serious.

“Find him, Gage. You find him and you hurt him the way he hurt me. Find him and kill him.”

He nods, taking my face in his hands. “Even if I’d never killed anyone before, that fucker is a dead man. For you, Raven, I’d pick a motherfucker up and drop him on the sun.”

I climb up and straddle him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. His are reassuring as they tighten around me.

“It was so real,” I whisper into his neck.

“I got you, Raven. I got you.”

“I know.” I pull back and stare into his eyes. “You’re a good man, Gage. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.”

I leave him there and head to the bathroom. When I return, he’s sitting on the bed, studying the picture I drew. He curls his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side as I sit next to him.

“Why were you watching me sleep?”

“Your nightmare. You were screaming, fighting...wouldn’t wake up. E had to give you something to calm you down.”

“How long were you watching me? Did you even get any sleep?”

“Some.” He kisses my forehead and moves to the closet. “Don’t worry about me.”

Easier said than done. How can I not worry? He hasn’t been sleeping much already, and now I’m fighting him in my sleep. Great. I notice he’s pulling out all black clothes again, so I know he’s heading out on another mission.

“What happened last night?” I ask him.

He gives me that look of his that’s supposed to tell me he can’t say anything, but I’m not having it today. “This isn’t club business. This is about me, so you can tell me. What happened last night?”

He sighs and shakes his head in resignation. “Fine, but the only thing I’m telling you is that we found the guy responsible for the drug that was used on you.”

“And?”

“And he won’t be a problem for anyone anymore.”

Good. It’s good, right? I mean, at least we’re getting somewhere now. Plus, he’s saved countless other women who would have gone through what I did. Now, I need to know what the next step is.

“And today?”

“Today, I’m heading to Atlanta. I’ll be gone all day, so maybe you should call Chrissy. She misses you.”

“I miss her, too, but why are you going to Atlanta?”

“Following a lead.” He grabs the black duffel bag again and it makes me curious as to exactly what is in it. “I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.”

“Take me with you.”

“What? No, I’m not taking you with me.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” he says. “I need you here where I know you’re safe. What we’re doing is dangerous. It’s no place for you.”

“But –”

“No ‘buts’,” he states with finality. “You’re staying here.”

“Fine.” I roll my eyes and reach for the phone he bought me. This is the first time I’m even looking at it. I turn it on and within seconds, notifications start coming in. I go to the contacts and see he’s programmed in a few numbers – Chrissy, Ellen, himself, Laurelyn, Nita, Ron, and Toni. I send a text to Chrissy asking her to come over, and another to Toni saying I’ll call later.

“You good?”

“Yeah,” I answer as I read Chrissy’s reply. “Chrissy’s on her way.”

He crouches in front of me and takes my hand, his expression worrisome. “Raven, I think it’s time to give the therapist a call. You need to talk to someone who can help you work through your emotions.”

“Okay.” I nod.

“I’ll have E make the call.”

He kisses my forehead, grabs his bag, and heads for the door. I decide to follow him out because I’ve been cooped up in this room for far too long. The bar is like a beehive. I’ve never seen so many people in here before, and they’re all moving around with purpose. The guys are getting ready to leave, but the Hounds look busy, too.

“What’s going on?”

“Chopper,” Gage answers. “He’s preparing for Thanksgiving tomorrow.”

Thanksgiving? That would mean it’s November. Not only that but the end of November. Holy shit. What have I been doing for a whole month? I missed Halloween, Dia de los Muertos…I didn’t even light a candle for Daddy.

Chopper comes out of the kitchen, giving out directions left and right. The moment he spots me, he comes right over and pulls me into his arms.

“Oh, lil darlin’. It’s good to see you.”

“You, too, Chopper.”

“Come.” He ushers me away. “Let’s get you something to eat.”

He doesn’t even spare Gage a glance. I turn my head to look back at him, but he just shakes his head and moves toward the door. In the kitchen, Chopper chases everyone out and lifts me onto the counter. I’m a little surprised but I say nothing.

“What do you want?” he asks. “Pancakes, eggs, bacon? Anything you want.”

“I’m not really hungry.” I return his smile. “Toast would be fine.”

“Nonsense.” He grabs a tray of eggs from the fridge. “I’ll make you an omelet.”

I watch him, wondering if he knows how alike he and his son are. They each have their own brand of ‘sweet’, but I would bet Chopper was as much of a player as Gage is. Hell, he probably still is.

He pours me a glass of orange juice then gets started on the eggs.

“How do you feel, darlin’?”

I raise both shoulders in a shrug. “Okay, I guess. I just want it all to be over.”

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.” He turns to face me with a determined stare. “If Gage can’t get to the bottom of this then I will. You have my word on that.”

Overcome with emotion, I hop off the counter and wrap my arms around him. He curls one arm around me and kisses the top of my head.

“It’ll be over soon, baby girl.”