“There’s something important I came here to tell you.” My hands were trembling so hard that I had cross my arms over my stomach to hide them. “My visit actually has nothing to do with Noah. That was just my excuse. I need you to trust that what I’m about to tell you isn’t something I’m saying out of cruelty or as part of some sick game. I’m simply relaying information. It’s the truth. And I need you to promise you’re going to trust me.”

That pretty smile of hers disappeared. “You’re freaking me out.”

I was freaking myself out.

“Sit,” she commanded. She grabbed my wrist and plopped down in the glass, taking me with her. She tucked her knees under her body, reminded me of the way she’d sat to inspect my DVD collection. “You’re shaking.” She still held my arms. “What is it? Talk to me.”

Why did she have to be so damn sweet when she wanted to be?

“Ben’s alive,” I blurted out. No need to beat around the bush any longer. I shifted in the grass. Only college kids lounged around in the itchy grass, and I certainly wasn’t one of those. “I overheard Ellie on the phone talking to him.”

“Wait. What do you mean he’s alive?”

“I mean he didn’t drown, he washed up on shore, and he’s now living with some old lady out in Malibu. That’s what I mean,” I explained.

Gasping, she snapped her hand over her mouth. I couldn’t decide if she was merely shocked, angry, or excited by this news, so I kept talking. I told her every detail Ellie had already shared with me. Then I mentioned the ‘group vacation’ Ellie was in the middle of planning.

“The Los Angeles vacation,” she repeated. “Georgina invited me. I already paid for my ticket. So it’s not really a vacation—but a trip to see Ben? To do what…bring him home?”

Noah had invited me along on this so-called ‘vacation’ as well. I still hadn’t decided if I wanted to go or not. “I have no idea. Noah and Georgie don’t know any of this. They think it’s a real vacation. Ellie made me promise not to tell anyone.”

“And here you are? Telling me?”

“Here I am.”

For a few long minutes we both sat there in silence. I didn’t know what to say, and I figured she needed some time to let this sink in. She kept making these funny—and honestly, kind of cute, despite the heaviness of this moment—little breaths into her hands. Then at one point, she started to cry. I desperately wanted to hug her when that happened, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I had my own emotional wellbeing to preserve. Telling her this…this already meant I was losing her forever. Touching her in this moment would have been like a knife through my already wounded heart.

A second later, she brushed the tears from her eyes and stood up. I stood up too.

“I don’t know what to say,” she told me.

“You don’t have to say anything. But I’ve got to get going.”

Her big, green, tear-filled eyes stared up at me. “So soon?”

If I stayed a moment longer then I undoubtedly would find myself doing something stupid. Like blurting out how much I loved her. Which was beyond ridiculous. She’d never been mine. She was never going to be mine. This was over before it had even started. Time for me to man the fuck up and move on. “Bye, Sydney. Please don’t tell Georgie or Noah this. Ellie wants to be the one to tell them.”

And I walked off. The hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my life, but I did it.

CHAPTER 11:

SYDNEY

Here I was with five other people, all crammed into one very tight Honda Accord, all on our way to the airport. It was a two hour drive from Luke University to Charlotte. Once we made it to the airport we had a five hour flight to LA ahead of us. I was here. I was doing this. I was going to see Ben again. But dammit, if this wasn’t already turning into the day from hell.

“Just drink one more. Noah, please,” Ellie begged from the driver’s seat. “I know you better than I know myself. You worry too much. If you could be cleaning something right now, you probably would be. It’ll help you relax, so we all can relax.”

Noah had ‘OCD.’ Or at least that was what everyone else called it. The more I got to know him, the more I saw that it was something he struggled with daily. But I think textbook OCD wasn’t actually what he had, more like general anxiety. He worried about lots of different things. The cleaning aspect just seemed to be something he did to help calm himself down when the worrying got out of control. Georgina also seemed to help that a lot.

Since we were on our way to airport, with Noah about to take his first ride on an airplane ever, Ellie had decided that he needed to take a few shots of whiskey to help him relax a little. But the thing was, with Georgina curled up against his side, he didn’t seem the least bit anxious today. Hell, I was more freaked out than he was.

That was why I’d secretly taken the two shots Ellie thought he’d already taken. He’d handed them to me when I gestured for them. Which was case-in-point, why the three of us had become such close friends over this past school year. They were cool with whatever. They never judged some of my more questionable decisions and they never pressured me one way or the other with Rhett. Even though I knew they were both close with him too.

Speaking of Rhett. He sat in the passenger’s seat, up front with Ellie, with a girl named Luce sitting on his lap. There hadn’t been enough room in the car for all of us, so she’d volunteered to sit on his lap. Splendid. I hadn’t even known he was coming along on this trip until today. I guess he’d made a last minute decision. And he’d brought this random girl along too. Luce. She worked with him as a bartender at Chancy’s Claw. Apparently, she and Rhett were close. Apparently, I’d already met her once—the night Rhett and I slept together. But, honestly, I couldn’t remember her.

Georgie said she was nice, so I had to trust that, but…really…what the hell was Rhett thinking? Coming along and bringing her. As if this trip weren’t going to be hard enough already.

Finally we reached the airport. So far, I’d managed to completely avoid speaking to Rhett. I hadn’t even made eye contact with him yet. And vice versa. He seemed to be avoiding me, too. We all unloaded our bags, checked in at the ticket counter, and made it easily past security. It was almost fun watching Noah pretend to be drunk through all of this. He used his fake intoxication as an excuse for some extra PDA with Georgie. Meanwhile, I had a nice buzz going, which almost made being so close to Rhett and his new girl bearable. But, seriously, I couldn’t get past my anger.

Because the honest truth was—I was jealous. Which had to be the most absurd thing, but knowing how much Rhett slept around with everyone, I had to assume he and this Luce girl had been together. Maybe recently, maybe not— regardless, it rubbed me the wrong way.

When he came to visit me a little over a month ago, to tell me Ben was still alive, I’d been genuinely happy to see him. I don’t know what it was that had changed inside me, but seeing him again I felt giddy and excited like never before. If he’d come that day to ask me out, I would have said yes. Instead, it was like the second he found out about Ben, he automatically gave up on me.

“Hey, Sydney, come with me to the bathroom before we board?” Georgina urged. “Please.”

“Sure,” I answered, and we split up from the rest of the group to head toward the ladies room.

Georgina was the prettiest girl—inside and out—that I’d ever known. She was kind, thoughtful, and fun. Gorgeous brown hair. Bright blue eyes. Flawless tan skin. Plus, she was the type of person that was infectious to be around, that brought life to any situation. All four years of high school we’d lived on opposite ends of the social pool, never once speaking. But take high school out of the equation, and we had a chance to become friends. Actually, the thing that really bonded us was Ben—losing Ben. She struggled with that in her own way, and I in mine. But together, in the last few months we’d been at school, we’d really helped each other come to terms with his death.