“Can you go already?” she whined, pushing me along.

We were holding up traffic, so I grabbed my bag and kept going. I didn’t get it. She’d worshiped the guy from our living room every Sunday night for the past two seasons of his show, and now, given the chance to meet him, she’d barely even blinked in his direction.

Sydney shot me a smile as we were leaving. At least someone out there seemed to understand the importance of that selfie. Or maybe…she was merely smiling at me because she liked the way I looked. Hell. I was so confused right now.

If all it would have taken was me collapsing on the floor to get Sydney’s attention, then I would have keeled over long ago. But, in actuality, my mini panic attack hadn’t been that bad. Luce pretty much had it covered. I would have survived with or without Sydney’s help. But Sydney had turned all protective on me, unexpectedly, and it was hot. Damn hot. But I didn’t want to read too much into that moment, or too much into her ‘I miss you’ comment, or even too much into our hand holding. Because what was going to happen once Ben was back in the picture? She’d probably kick me to the curb the moment she saw him again. So it was better to not let myself feel anything.

Still, one look in my direction from those green eyes, and it was hard not to feel something.

Ugh. I sighed to myself as we walked.

See…so freaking confusing.

Our little group of six headed through the airport, to the exit, and toward the rental car place. We had a nice SUV lined up, courtesy of Susan and Wade Turner—Ellie’s parents. They’d been so supportive of this trip, especially Susan. With Ben’s ‘death’ and Georgie’s suicide attempt, Ellie’s family had been through some serious shit over the last year. Susan only wanted her children to start living again—go out, have fun, and try new things. So when I saw her last, she’d been very excited about our little California adventure. But hell, what would she think if she knew what this vacation was really about?

“Thank you, Mom,” Ellie said when she spotted our rental. Not hesitating in the least, she hopped in the passenger seat. Noah drove. The girls and I sat in the back—Luce and I together, Sydney and Georgie in the last row. Sydney and I hadn’t spoken since the plane. But I wasn’t taking that as a bad sign. Actually, I think it was good. There was this rekindled spark between us. Like we were both suddenly hyperaware of one another. Every time our eyes connected, I had the impression that she felt exactly the same. It was powerful and it had my body feeling like it was free-falling off a cliff all afternoon.

Our hotel in West Hollywood was fancy as hell. It had to be, for the price we were paying. Luce and I were sharing a room, while everyone else was in another. We all checked in and then headed upstairs to our separate rooms to unpack, change, and get ready to go out. I was happy I’d brought Luce along on this trip. Really, I was. She was good company, my best friend from work, and we always got along easily. But we had shared something of a relationship in the past, which in a way kind of made her my ex, and I didn’t want whatever that was to come between whatever I had with Sydney. Sydney was my priority. Always.

“She’s so in love with you,” Luce told me matter-of-factly as she started emptying her suitcase onto the ground. She began sorting her stuff into piles. “You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah. Right,” I retorted, pacing around the room, checking out the mini-bar and whatnot.

“I’m serious. The way she looked at me when she found us on the ground together on the plane. As unpleasant as that was…it told me everything. She cares for you.”

Needing something to distract me from this conversation, as I wasn’t in the mood for it, I heaved my own bag onto my bed, unzipped it, and pulled out a fresh change of clothes. My stomach had gone straight to mush talking about this. “I’m not reading into anything or acting on anything until she sees Ben again. There’s no fucking way I can compete with that kid.” I sighed, wishing now that there hadn’t been any sort of moment between Sydney and me earlier. It was only going to make everything harder later. And I could only take so much rejection from her. “He’s like Grey Goose. And I’m like the shitty well-drinks we serve on happy hour. He’s Patron Platinum, and I’m Jose Cuervo. Sure, you can get drunk off me just as easily as the good stuff. But you’re going to feel like shit the next morning and regret it.”

“Oh. My. God,” Luce huffed, moving to grab a pillow off the bed and chuck it in my direction. I wasn’t ready for it and it bounced off my head.

“Hey,” I groaned.

“You’re not Jose Cuervo, you ass,” she whined. “You’ve got to stop selling yourself short. The only reason you aren’t with this girl already…is because of your own insecurities. You keep acting like she’s some princess in some unreachable castle. She’s just a girl. And this whole Ben thing…you should be glad he’s alive. Competing with a memory is much harder than competing with the real thing.”

Her words hit deep. Wow. I’d been disappointed when I first found out Ben was alive, but maybe Luce was right. Maybe this was better. I didn’t want to be Sydney’s second choice. I wanted to be her first. The same way I’d been her first for everything else. I wanted her to choose me over Ben. “So you’re saying I should go balls to the wall and fight for her?” I swallowed as my question slipped out. It was a gut-wrenching thought when I feared the worst.

“Hell yes,” Luce answered.

Not to compare a girl to a sport, but growing up, I put everything I had into baseball—all my tears, blood, and sweat—and when I failed at that, it crushed me. I still hadn’t fully recovered from the loss of that dream. Maybe that was the real reason I half-assed everything else in life. That sort of disappointment was not something I wanted to experience twice.

“Yeah,” I mumbled, “I’ve got to think on that one.”

“Ugh,” Luce groaned, rolling her eyes. “Go think about it in the bathroom so I can change. I’m starving. That flight was too long. And your indecisive, male stupidity is annoying me.”

Luce was a prime example of why I’d never officially had a girlfriend in my life. Females were too much work. It made me wonder for a moment why I wanted that next level with Sydney. I guess it boiled down to something I couldn’t describe. A feeling in my gut I couldn’t shake about her.

I gave Luce her space so she could get dressed. Then once we were both ready, we headed one door down for Noah, Ellie, Georgina, and Sydney’s room. While everyone started arguing over dinner plans and what we should do first, I remained quiet. Sydney sat on the edge of one of the beds. She’d changed into a light pink dress that was a little too tight around her very perfect tits. Her attention wasn’t on me, as she weighed in on the different options with the others, but I had trouble keeping my eyes off her. She was an angel. While my ‘yellow snow’ comment still remained true. And I still couldn’t decide what to do about the balls to the wall thing.

This whole situation was frustrating, to say the least.

Finally the group decided on a plan. We were heading out to the beach to watch our first West Coast sunset. Then dinner would come second. I was fine with that. I was always fine with whatever. So that was what we did. And the whole ambiance of it all might have been romantic, had I been alone with Sydney, but obviously we weren’t alone. We had a whole bunch of other people right there with us. I forced myself to make conversation, not something I ever had to do, and keep relatively calm all evening. But by the time we were back at the hotel and back in our separate rooms, with a wall dividing me from Sydney, I was so fucking relieved to get away from her.